A favorite old joke

lg325

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A friend of mine and his wife wanted to have a child. When things were not working out there doctor gave them a device that he said when her body temperature was right for conception a buzzer will go off. But no physical contact until that buzzer goes off. Well days went by and no buzzer and things were getting sort of tense between them. Well, there she was one morning holding a jug of milk .bacon and a dozen eggs, and the buzzer went off. Her husband and her threw down the milk it busted on the floor and the bacon and eggs went as well busted eggs ,bacon in all that milk. They tore off each other clothes and had made love right there in all that mess on the floor. She sure she's pregnant , but that grocery store manager said to put there clothes back on, clean up the mess and buy there groceries some where else from now on.;)
 

miketx

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How many different ways can that lame story be told?
 
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lg325

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How many different ways can that lame story be told?
I first heard it in hunting camp when I was a young child back in the 1960s.
 

Shelzin

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If you have sex with a prostitute against her will... Is that rape or shoplifting?
 

DGS49

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First day of hunting season, 911 Operator gets a cell-phone call from the middle of nowhere.

"I was out here hunting deer with my buddy, and he seems to have had a heart attack. I can't detect any breathing, and he's starting to turn blue. Can you get someone out here to help him?"

"Well sir," she responds, "since you are in a very remote area we would have to send out a MediVac helicopter, so you will need to determine definitely whether he dead or alive."

"Hold on a second," the hunter says.

The operator hears a loud BANG, and the hunter gets back on and asks, "OK, now what?"
 

xband

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A friend of mine and his wife wanted to have a child. When things were not working out there doctor gave them a device that he said when her body temperature was right for conception a buzzer will go off. But no physical contact until that buzzer goes off. Well days went by and no buzzer and things were getting sort of tense between them. Well, there she was one morning holding a jug of milk .bacon and a dozen eggs, and the buzzer went off. Her husband and her threw down the milk it busted on the floor and the bacon and eggs went as well busted eggs ,bacon in all that milk. They tore off each other clothes and had made love right there in all that mess on the floor. She sure she's pregnant , but that grocery store manager said to put there clothes back on, clean up the mess and buy there groceries some where else from now on.;)
What did Pat and Mike say when the sow rubbing her thing on the fence post? Pat said I wish that was Gina Lollobrigida and Mike said I wish it was dark. Old farmer joke.
 

two_iron

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I'll try to clean this up...

What's the difference between ghetto booty and a bowling ball?

That's right, if you HAD to, you could eat that bowling ball......
 

ReinyDays

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Two guys out walking in the desert, got to go pee and sure enough ... one of them gets bit by a rattlesnake on the end of his dick ... his buddy quickly phones a doctor tells the story, listens a bit, then hangs up ...

"What did the doctor say?"

"He says you're going to die"
 

Shelzin

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Two guys out walking in the desert, got to go pee and sure enough ... one of them gets bit by a rattlesnake on the end of his dick ... his buddy quickly phones a doctor tells the story, listens a bit, then hangs up ...

"What did the doctor say?"

"He says you're going to die"
Somehow that is even funnier when you leave out what the doctor said.
 

Gracie

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Old one, but I still crack up at it. Imagination of it all transpiring helps. :auiqs.jpg:

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named "FRANK", who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. bitch is
starting to look HOT ... . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb!
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?
 
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lg325

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Music Teacher: The keys on a piano are made of ivory .It takes two elephants to to make keys for just one piano.
Student: I didn't know animals that big were capable of such delicate work. :)
 

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