...from all the major issues that plague it today. Notice: The news article below is completely fictional, but if it was true, I'd be doing the happy dance. Washinton D.C. - An amazing discovery has been made on Capitol Hill this morning and it has shocked the nation. With sweeping reforms, radical policy changes, and a few radical policy changes, this has to be the most significant governmental event since the end of the War Between the States. What possible discovery could have caused so much change on Capitol Hill, you ask? Well, it all started this morning when a vast majority of the politicians awoke this morning, and discovered something very special, something we thought had been lost for all time or feared they never had. These politicians found...their f***ing testicles. While we have not yet been given details on what the women of Congress discovered this morning, the changes were still the same, and everybody here knew something was different when the opening business of the morning was to "Figure out why we let ourselves be pushed around by hippies, which hippies they were, and go kick their @$$es." Shortly after PETA was told "Don't call us. We won't call you, either," a protest of illegal immigrants gathered outside the capitol to protest enforcement of the law. Five minutes later, Senator Edward Kennedy (D-MA), sober for the first time in decades, was seen headbutting the speaker off the stage. In response to Iran's latest threats against the world, a short address to the world as given by President Bush in front of one of Nebraska's many nuclear silos. In it, he was quoted as saying, "I know what you're thinking, Mr. Ama...something or other. You're thinking 'Would somebody really use a nuke on me?' To tell you the truth, I probably wouldn't have before today, but seeing as how this is a Saturn V MIRV rocket with 7 thermonuclear warheads and would blow your country clean off this planet, you have to ask yourself, "Do I feel lucky?' Well do ya...punk?" Even Cynthia "Nut Job" McKinney gave an energetic speech today to her main consituents that said, "Look, I've thrown you freeloaders a couple dozen bones. Your schools, welfare programs, and hand up programs are the best funded in the state. If you're still poor and don't have an education, it's because you're too lazy to get up off your sorry butt and go do something other than sit around the house and watch 'Oprah!'" Jesse Jackson, on stage at the time, accused McKinney of being a sell out. Rev. Jackson is in stable condition and doctors expect a full recovery. In related news, a Hamas rally held near the Israeli border carried the message to the Muslim world that America was still just a paper tiger and that this new-found bravery was just a ruse to scare everyone. There were no survivors. It's what I've been saying for far too long to Washington...GROW A PAIR, YOU SPINELESS TOADS!