Lord Long Rod
Diamond Member
- Jan 17, 2023
- 7,706
- 8,122
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- Banned
- #1
Big Thicket
Well boys, the life of a squatcher/moonshiner living up here in the deep, dark hills of Sasquatch Hollow is very much the Idyllic life one would think. But ever now and then it does a soul good to get away from yer routine and take em a vacation in order to charge thar batteries, if’n ya’ll knowd what I mean.
So I dee -sided to up and take me one of them thar vacations. I wanted to light sumwhar quiet and relaxin. I wuz a’gonna be leavin my business affairs to my new still hand, old “Big Cock From Little Rock”. He ain’t exactly a good old southern boy. But his uncle Willie out thar in Little Rock taught him to shine …. and to flavor ceegars.
After cypherin on my trip fer a spell I decided on a destination: The Big Thicket in the great state of Texas!! I wuz a’goin huntin! See, the Big Thicket is knowd round the world fer not only being a hotbed of Bigfoot activity, but fer havin sum of the biggest, badest Sasquatch sumbitchs any whar!
So I wuz going out thar to the wild and woolly Big Thicket that ever one is a’talkin bout. Plus, I decided to put a spin on it: primitive hunting! That is, I wuz only gonna hunt down and kill them thar critters with my BARE HANDS! Now that thar is sum fun!!! Rest and relaxation, here’s I comes!!!
I managed to git myself to Texas in pretty good time. Thar wuz a little trouble in Mississippi at an all-night truck stop over a pack of Skittles and a glory hole in the restroom which wasn’t exactly as advertised. But I won’t go into that right now except to say that I have to go back out thar in a couple months fer a court day. But don’t fret over it fer me. I ain’t goin!
I hit the Texas state line round daybreak on a Saturday morning. It had been a long and arduous journey. My old donkey, Kamala, wuz gittin up thar in age. I wasn’t sure if’n she would even survive the long trip frum Sasquatch Hollow to Texas pulling me in my old rustic wagon along with my supplies. But the old girl made it like a trooper!!
When I entered the State of Texas I knew I wuz bout another two days from Big Thicket. But I also knew that I had sumthang else I had to do first, before I went huntin.
Jest then I noticed that I wuz passin by a Ford dealership on the side of the road. Well sir, a lightbulb went off in my head! The first thang I did wuz to pull out my old .44 magnum hawg leg frum my pants, pointed it at my mule’s head, then …. NOTHING HAPPENED!!
Upon inspection I realized that I wuz holding my cock! I dun did accidentally pull my old cooch pole frum my pants. I got to tell ya’ll at this point that I had been on the road for two weeks and I wuz hot and tired. I shook my head, put my cock up, found my revolver, then sent my beloved Kamala to heaven. I put the old girl out of her misery. After the long sojourn on the concrete of the interstate she did not even have hoofs anymore. They have worn off! By the time we reached Texas old Kamala wuz walking on four bloody stumps, she wuz!
I bowed my head, took off my old huntin hat, and sed a little prayer fer Kamala. Then I got out my knives and bone saw and butchered the mule right thar on the side of the road. In fact, I set up camp right thar, on Interstate 10 West, jest Inside Texas. I needed a break. So I kicked back and slow cooked the mule’s loin on the fire I built as I sat down, leaned up agin a wagon wheel, and drank sum of my good old homemade corn licker brewed back home in Sasquatch Hollow.
Bout 2:00 a.m. a Texas State Patrol car pulled up to my camp. Thar wuz two pigs. The first one wuz a real prick named “Officer Pedro Gonzalez”. He wuz fast-talkin and clearly on a power trip of the degree reserved for short dicks. The other offer was called “Lieutenant Big Meat Pete”. He wuz more laid back, spoke and moved slower, and seemed like someone I could do bidness with.
Gonzalez stormed into my camp and right up to me, getting in my face. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!? YOU CAN’T CAMP HERE!! YOU NEED TO PUT OUT THAT FIRE … NOW!!! CLEAN UP THIS FUCKING MESS, GET THAT DEAD ANIMAL OFF THE ROAD, AND GET THAT GODDAMNED CONTRAPTION OUT OF HERE…. NOW!!!
I shook my head and looked down at the ground. “What I’m the hell has the world come to?”, I thought as I reached into my pants and slid my hand around the grips of my .44 magnum and slowly started pulling it out.
Just then old Lt. Big Meat Pete walked over with his hand held up and saying “Whoah thar, fellas. Thar’s no need ta git all squirrelly over this here situation.” I thought yo myself that this old boy is alright. He seemed to be the kind of true Texas gentleman that you expect when you come to this state, unlike that little swarthy prick, Gonzalez.
Old Pete continued on, “Hi thar, feller! I’m old Big Meat Pete. Welcome to Texas! What brings ya’ll this way?” I told old Pete my name and explained to him why I wuz thar in Texas and about camping out. That arrogant rat Gonzalez wuz clearly getting agitated. He had already pulled out his baton from his duty belt and wuz a’statin at me like he wuz wantin to smash in my head with it.
Old Pete kept on talkin. “Well, son, we am sure iz glad to have ya here in …. [pause] uh hey, Roy… is that mule I smell?” I sed “Shore is, Pete. Why don’t ya sit awhile and have ya sum. Have ya a little nip of this here shine too. Made it myself!” Pete got a big, wide grin on his face, sed “Well, I don’t mind if’n I do! Mighty kind of ya, Roy!”
It wuz at this point where Gonzalez lost his shit. He pulled his pistol and pointed it in old Roy’s direction. He then started going on and on about how old Pete is corrupt and that he wuz taking over the investigation. Then “
BAM!!!”, the report frum my .44 magnum is a beautiful thang to behold! Quiet then fell upon my camp, save for old Pete’s chomping on a piece of smoked mule meat.
I sed to Pete, “Sorry I had to do that, Pete”. Old Pete did not even stop chewing as he spoke “Oh, fuck that w#tba#k sumbitch. Boy, this here is sum damn fine mule, Roy! <BURP!>”
After Pete ate about 3 pounds of mule meat and drank an entire Mason jar of my high-proof moonshine. He sed “Goodnight, Roy! Thanky fer the vittles and hooch! Let me knowd if’n ya’ll need anything whilst ya in the great state of Texas!” I sed goodbye and then watched as the patrolman got into his car, turned on its siren and took off headed East in the westbound lanes at high speed. It clearly struck me that the sumbitch wuz going the wrong way. But I jest shrugged and thought “fuck him”. I then curled up under a burlap sack and got some much needed sleep.
Now, to cut a long story short, I woke up well before dawn at the sound of the wailing sirens on cop cars and ambulances speeding east. I decided to git to werk. I walked over to that old Ford dealership in front of which I had set up camp. I stole me an F350 Dually and and enclosed toy trailer fer hauling motorcycles and moonshine and sech. I then gathered up the shit I needed before setting my camp on fire. Then I hauled ass in my new truck and towing trailer!!
Before I headed over to the Big Thicket to murder sum of them thar Bigfoots, I headed south to the US-Mexican border. See, I had decided to do my patriotic duty and help out with that thar border crises that old man Joe Biden created when he took office and fucked the ever livin shit outa everthang. See, what I dun did wuz call my contact in the Taco Mafia, an old feller named Rodrigo Burrito, and told him I wuz gonna hep him smuggle sum leaf blowers across the border. They is paying $1,500.00 a head fer this!!
Well, I stole me a a big old pickup truck and an enclosed trailer to pull behind it. I’d roll up to the border at a secluded location, load up not thutty them tamales at a time, and take payment. After that I would give each landscaper a small baggie of fentanyl ((I told em it were headache powder) then locked them sumbitches up in the trailer I hauled add to Houston … straight to the local DEA office, where I turned them all in fer drug smugglin!
Them thar DEA fellers was tickled pink! They yanked them old Mexican families out of my trailer, beat them into submission, then performed repeated and violent body cavity searches. It wuz a win-win fer me cuz I made good bank off the Taco Mafia and I kept a bunch of swarthy illegal aliens of the streets of America. But still, I felt like I deserved more.
Whilst them old DEA boys were probin them Mexicans with their batons, I called the head guy over. “Hey, Lieutenant Himmler! Can I have a word wit ya?”, I said. The cop sauntered on over to me. I sed, “Now looky here. Ya’ll don’t wanna have to process all these here be#ners. That’s a lot of work.” The Lieutenant replied with a heavy Texas drawl, “Well now, Roy, I reckon that bout 5-6 of them thar little fellas will make a run fer here shortly and we’ll have to gun em down, know what I mean?” I knowd what he means.
I continued on “Well now, that thar sounds like a right good plan. In fact, I’d like to git in on sum that too if’n I can. But there’s sumthang else I wanna talk to ya bout.” The Lieutenant sed “Well hell yeah, Roy!! Jest grab yer old shootin iron and I’ll deputize ya! We is got us a pool goin. The most head shots wins!”
“Sounds good!”, I sed. “But thar’s sumthang else.” The old top cop narrowed his eyes, cocked his head, and leaned forward. Clearly I had his attention. I continued, “Ya see that thar girl over thar in the ass-tight jeans and Joe Biden T-shirt?” The Lieutenant looked over at her and sed “Yep.”
I sed “Well, I dun took a likin to that little squaw. I want her.”
The Lieutenant replied “Well now, Roy, of course I don’t rightly give a shit. I mean, I cain’t sell her to ya. I’m an officer of the law and that would be an ethical problem fer me. I think they call it a ‘conflict of interest’. But sure, I COULD give her to ya.”
The cop continued, “But Roy, how you know me that lil bitch is of legal age?” I sed “I checked her ID”. The Lieutenant immediately sed “Oh, OK! As long as she is of legal age then go ahead and take the lil Taco. I don’t give a fuck. Have fun. Knock yer self out!! But do me one favor, Roy.” I sed “Sure, whut?” The Lieutenant sed “Well, if’n that thar young, seemingly healthy girl happens to drop dead while in your possession, don’t leave it in my jurisdiction, ok?” I sed “You got it, Chief!”
Of course, I knowd that this here cute lil bitch wuz over 18. I got an up close and person look at her whilst I wuz shoving the baggy of drugs up her cooter hole. So thar’s no problem with that. She’s my property now!
I took that pretty little brown skinned girl, put her in my truck, and tied her up so she can’t escape. She spoke no English, only Taco Muncher. Man, she sure wuz pretty, and her tight little body wuz smoking hot! I bet I could take her back to Sasquatch Hollar and make a pretty penny selling her to Madam Kalashnikov at the local whoowah house! But I had other plans fer her.
Well, as predicted, then illegal aliens did make a run fer it. But the cruel hand of justice came down on them hard on ‘em! Me and the DEA boys had us a good laff, shook hands, and then I left with my new jizz jug tied up in the seat next to me.
I headed on up to Big Thicket from thar. Bout halfway thar I caught a ferocious case of the shits from eating old Kamala! I pulled over to relive myself in sum bushes, then got run off by the folks in the Lowe’s garden department. But that weren’t the end of it. I had to stop 7 more times because of explosive diarrhea. I shit myself so bad, in fact, that I ruined my britches and skivvies and had to go plum bare assed. On on such stop I couldn’t even get out of my truck without launching a load of brown water across the cab of the truck and allow my lil Mexican companion and the passenger side window. I felt a little bad fer her after that so I stopped at a Taco Bell and bought her a burrito.
After a couple hours on the road I had pretty much emptied my bowels of old Kamala. Then, jest as we were pulling up to an access road fer the Big Thicket I saw blue lights in the part of my rear view mirror that wuz not covered in shit. I pulled over to see what the fuck the oinker wanted.
Well sir, this. Lil lady in a poleece uniform walked up to my winder. I rolled her down and sed “Well hello there, little lady! What can I do ya fer?” She said she pulled me over because all my windows were obscured by a brown substance and that it weren’t safe fer me to be driving this way. I replied, “Aww shucks, it ain’t nuthin! I been getting along jest fine. Hey, you knowd what? You sure is a pretty lil thang!”
Then that lil police girl got all sorts of bent outa shape. She sed that wuz a mangled kid’s bicycle and two road hazard cones wedged up under the front end of my truck. I replied, “Well, sum fuckers jest don’t know they ain’t supposed to be playing in the road. I figured if’n thar sorry assed parent weren’t gonna teach em then old Roy should step in and teach em, know what I mean?”
At this point the lil police girl pulled out her service pistol, pointed it at me, and ordered me out of my truck. With a long sigh I complied and stepped outs my truck. “THUMP!!!!” came the loud sound. The lil cop looked in the direction of the sound. It were my cock a’hittin the ground cuz I were still naked from the waste down. She stood thar with her mouth plum open staring at my old tallywacker layin thar in the dirt. I sed, “Ya’ll like what ya see thar, sweet thang?” Her mouth closed abruptly and she returned her angry gaze to my face.
Well now, it were at this here point that the little copper noticed my Mexican travel companion tied up in the passenger seat and covered up in dried feces. The cop looked surprised. She exclaimed “OH MY GOD!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?” The little Mexican gal then started talking excitedly with her jibber jabber. I thunk to myself “Well hell, Roy. I guess you is a’gonna hafta do sumthang bout this before that lil cop girl gits hysterical.” Besides, it wuz gonna be nightfall soon and I aimed to git out in the woods to choke out a squatch er three.
Quick as a bunny I grabbed the pistol outa the little cop’s hands. Then I took hold off my fuckin stick, twirled it away 2-3 times over my head, and then busted her over her pretty lil head with it “BAMMM!!!” She hit the ground like a sack of taters she did!! I then looked at the pistol I took away frum her to see what she had been packin. It were a lil old .380 Glock. I sed “Jeeeesus Christ… PUSSY SHIT!!”, then threw the little pea shooter into the woods.
Well no, I gathered the unconscious dick-whipped little po-lease girl and throwd her into the cab of my truck along with my lil Mexican gal, got myself in, then took off down the Big Ticket access road. I had my a route plotted out on my old topography map I stole from the old sporting goods store back home, the “Sasquatch Bait and Pizza”. Unfortunately it too wuz covered in a thick and crusty layer of dried shit. “Well, shit!”, I sed.
I drove bout 2 and a half hours in Big Thicket. I went down the dirt access road fer a while, then took an old logging road, then road down sum rough-ass old pig trails. Finally I decided to stop and prepare fer my hunt. By this here time the lil cop wuz coming to. I wanted to go scout out the land a little bit a’fer I hed out fer the night. But I couldn’t leave the pig here. So I pulled her ass outa the truck and tied up her hands with my long damn cock rod.
She asked “What are you doing?!?” First thang I sed wuz “Shut the fuck up!!!” Then I explained that we were gonna do sum scoutin and that she wuz comin along.
Now it didn’t take long before the cop’s training come into play. She started in with all this bullshit about surrendering to her and how it wuz in my best interest to let her go and other psychological horse shit. I stopped, then turned to her to speak. I explained the situation to her. I told her that we wuz smack dab in the middle of lair of sum of the biggest and meanest Sasquatch on the face of this heat earth. Therefore, is wuz in her best interest to shut up lest she irritate one of them thar rascals and it rips off her head. Second, I advised her that if she chooses to keep on yapping I wuz a’gonna pull the whiskey cork outa my asshole, which I been dun using to stop the flaming shits, and stick it in her mouth. Either way, she WUZ gonna shut the fuck up.
That thar lil cop kept quiet after that, and I hit back to scouting. After a good half hour hike I finally came across the first Sasquatch sign! It wuz a hellish, Jurassic Park sounding “Ohio Call” sounding vocalization. What’s more, it wuz close, like with a half mile. We stood thar listening. That damned old critter let out 2 more howls! I knew I had to move!! I had to get back to my truck and git ready!!!
Well, right bout that thar time I wuz struck by a powerful pain in my old Johnson. Before I could investigate I heard the lil cop girl cry out in pain. I quickly figured out what wuz going on. Hearing them thar Sasquatch howls wuz giving me a stiffy!! I quickly untied my P-Rod from the cop’s hands. Lord knows what would have happened if’n I hadn’t of untied myself in time. I’m guessing my old tallywacker would have busted! I shore would have been in a world of hurt then!
I grabbed the lil lady and we high-tailed it back to my truck. After hearing them thar menacing Sasquatch howls the little cop-ess became very compliant. As we ran back to the cop she wuz nervously asking what the sound wuz from and whether we were in danger. I told her to shut the fuck up. “We gots us sum of that thar bidness to tend to, tits!! Shut up and do what I say!”, I sed. She just nodded and kept on running with me.
When we reached my truck the little enchilada I had tied up had obviously heard the horrific Bigfoot howls becuz she wuz goin bat shit crazy. Amazingly, I discovered in that moment the bitch knows how to speak English. She yelled out “ROY! ROY!!!” I told her to shut the fuck up, realizing having two bitches at yer side doubles the bullshit ya gotta deal with.
But the little taco girl continued, “ROY!! ROY!!! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!! THERE’S A MONSTER!!!! Annoyed, I sed to her “DAMMIT, BITCH!!! YOU DUN SEEN IT!! AND YOU KNOWD I DUN SHIT MY BRITCHES!!! I AIN’T GOT NOWHAR ELSE TO PUT IT!!!”
I wuz assuming she wuz talking bout my monster dong. But she continued. “ROY!!! NO!!! THATS NOT WHAT I MEAN!!!” By this time I had had it with this little south-of-the-border snooch. I started to reach fer my old .44 magum shootin iron when she sed the one thang that made my blood run cold: “ROY!!! BEHIND THE TRUCK!!! ITS HERE NOW!!! IT CAME AROUND WHEN YOU AND THE PIG WALKED OFF!!”
Now I understood. It was a trap!!! That mothertrucker wuz gonna ambush me!! I jabbed my hand deeper under the front seat looking fer my shootin iron. Then things got worse. Much worse.
I heard my hammer on my pistol cock behind me. Then I heard that lil ole sissy cop say “Put your hands over your head, Roy! NOW!! Do it or I will kill you where you stand!!!” Boy, wuz I pissed at myself!!! In all the excitement I momentarily lost track of that cop bitch. Now she got the slip on me, and with my own gun!!! Shit!!!!
I decided to work my charm. I sed “Put that thar shootin iron down you stupid skank-bitch before I cock whip you again!” Her voice wuz quivering in rage as she sed “I am going to save the taxpayers some money and just do it and send you back to hell, where you came fro…..” then complete and utter silence followed by a loud “THUD!”
I sed, “Uh, honey? Is you ok?” Then I turned around and looked jest as her headless body crumpled to the ground. Standing right thar behind where the pig girl wuz a’standing wuz a GIGANTIC Sasquatch!!! The motherfucker wuz ever bit of 14 feet tall! The shoulders were more broader than Oprah Winfrey’s fat ass. They had to be 7 feet wide, minimum!
While that stupid bitch wuz standing thar pointing my Hawg Laig at me that damned old Sasquatch snuck up behind her and ripped her head plum clean off!! The thud I heard wuz her head hitting the ground after the monster dropped it. As I stood thar jest staring at the beast I heard that little Mexican gal screaming in horror behind me. I thought to myself as I rolled my eyes, “Goddamn… This here is the last time I bring a bitch with me on a Sasquatch hunt.” But I did not have time fer the battle of the sexes. I had to deal with this murderous Sasquatch!!!
The next thang I dun did wuz to pull out my pecker to take a leak and cypher on this here situation fer a minute. But that big ole beast-critter wusn’t havin enny of it. He let loose with a big old god awful roar. Well sir, I gathered up 4-5 feet of my, whipped it round in a circle a time er two, then concked the critter on its head with it.
The Sasquatch looked stunned. Apparently it ain’t never been dick-whipped before. Then somethang funny happened. It got a real sad look on its face. It wuz jest a’starin at my massive cock laying thar on the ground. Then the critter got all drawn up and covered it’s nethers with both hands. It seemed right embarrassed, it dun did.
I felt a bit empathetic fer the critter. Sure, it wusn’t packing as much man meat down thar as I were. But hell, who does? I have caused horses to die from envy. Yep, they jest see what I got goin on and they start running into brick walls, head first, until they kilt themselves. I always been taught that with great cock comes great responsibility.
I started talking to the poor Sasquatch in a baby voice. “Hey… Why the long face, fella? Come on now, I am sure you ain’t got nuffin to be afraid of. Heck, you is a big old boy! Even an average Wang on you is going to be bigger than most men. Come on, let me see that thar hog leg!” But the Sasquatch stewed in its shame, maintaining a gaze to the ground and using its hands to hide its groin. But I kept it up. I figured the old boy jest needed sum reassurance.
After a few minutes, and me sharing a Butterfinger with the beast, things got a little more relaxed. After a bit we both had forgotten about the Sasquatch’s dick. We wuz sittin side by side on the ground and sippin from a jar of shine I retrieved from under the seat of my old truck. I wuz even showing the big old Bigfoot video of me fucking sum old truck stop whore I recorded on my phone!
Finally, I sed, “Looky here, Bigfoot. You is alright. But it’s late and I think I’d like to go find a whoowah house and git my freak on. Why don’t you take this here little Mexican gal I got tied up in my truck, and I’ll go hits me a little Asian whoowah in town. Whaddaya say?”
Well sir, that monster’s eyes got as big as saucers, and a grin appeared on its face. I untied Dora the Explorer and handed her over to the beast. The damned thang wuz slobbering! That gal wuz gonna got the pounding of her life! But hell, I wuz jest a’gonna use her fer Bigfoot bait anyway. At least this here way she has a chance to live AND she will git to have the time of her life.
“You have a good ‘un, feller”, I said as I waived goodbye to the Bigfoot. I turned to git in my truck. Then, things took a dark and sudden turn.
At first I heard giggles coming from the little Latina. Then they escalated into all-out belly laughter. I went over there to see what the duck wuz so funny. The chick was pointing at the the beast’s groin while laughing her ass off. I look up at the Sasquatch. It had hung its head, tears were streaming down its cheeks. I felt kinda bad fer the critter, especially since he and I had jest partied together.
I looked down at the animals groin. My first thought wuz “Well, where in the fuck is it?” Truth be told, nuffin wuz thar. I pulled out my pack of matches and lit one fer illumination. I held it up close to the animal. But still I couldn’t find its pecker. I wuz plum perplexed!
By this point the lil Mexican gal had somewhat composed herself. She sed to me, “Look Roy, right here!” She pulled back the hair on that mangy beast whar it’s rod should be. I leaned in real close with my match as close to the critter as I could get it without catching the hair on fire. I couldn’t see shit!
I sed “Goddamn it woman!! Thar ain’t nuffin thar!!” Now she is pointing close to the skin and saying “Look closer!!! Ha ha ha ha!!!”
I sed “Jest wait a fucking minute!”, then wint yo my truck to fetch my old reading glasses. Back at the squatch, with glasses and another lit match fer illumination, I bent in real close to the critters junk. After the Mexican chick pulled back the hair and pointed right at it, I finally saw it. I sed “Damn. That’s it huh?” It wuz the size of a BB, like what kids shoot through air guns. I stood up, dumbfounded. I took off my hat and rubbed my scalp with my free hand. I think to myself “Goddamn, that thar is done humiliating shit. It’s no wonder that thar animal is pissed off 24-7.”
I looked up at the face of the Sasquatch. It wuz still looking down at the ground, tears streaming down. Then, in silence, it slowly raised its head and looked at me. It was one of them thar rare moments of harsh, cruel honesty. In fact, it were probably an existential reckoning fer the beast. I felt bad fer it, really bad.
Then I made up my mind. No man anywhar wants to live with a dick that small …BAMM!!!!!!
The blast frum my .44 maggum wuz deafening! The bullet hit the poor beast right betwixt it’s eyes. Blood and brains rained down on the forest floor and converted it into a colorful canopy of gloom. The Bigfoot’s body hit the ground and crumpled into its position of eternal sleep.
The little Latina bitch wuz as shocked by the report of my revolver as she wuz by being covered in the monster’s blood and brains. She jestcstood thar in silence. But I weren’t dun with her yet. Not by a long shot.
Before I left I tied that bitch up to a big old oak tree. Then I layed out a copious amount of dog treats. They wuz Snausages: Dogman Edition. Yep, this here were doggy treats jest fer dogman. Them damned old demon dogs wuz thick up in this here Big Ticket region!
I figured that since that dumb bitch humiliated that Sasquatch, she deserves some payback. I tied her ass up, made some calls that sounded like distressed and dying animals, and surrounded her with Dogman doggy treats, not to mention the gory remains of my Bigfoot buddy. The howls started growing closer and closer before I even left the area. That bitch is gonna get ripped to pieces, like carnitas on a taco!
Well friends, that thar wuz my trip to Big Thicket. Or more accurately, that wuz Day 1! I hung round fer 2 more days, choked out 3 more Sasquatch, skinned an entire pack of Dogmen alive, and had a 3-way with 2 chick campers! All in all, it were a ton of fun!
Well boys, the life of a squatcher/moonshiner living up here in the deep, dark hills of Sasquatch Hollow is very much the Idyllic life one would think. But ever now and then it does a soul good to get away from yer routine and take em a vacation in order to charge thar batteries, if’n ya’ll knowd what I mean.
So I dee -sided to up and take me one of them thar vacations. I wanted to light sumwhar quiet and relaxin. I wuz a’gonna be leavin my business affairs to my new still hand, old “Big Cock From Little Rock”. He ain’t exactly a good old southern boy. But his uncle Willie out thar in Little Rock taught him to shine …. and to flavor ceegars.
After cypherin on my trip fer a spell I decided on a destination: The Big Thicket in the great state of Texas!! I wuz a’goin huntin! See, the Big Thicket is knowd round the world fer not only being a hotbed of Bigfoot activity, but fer havin sum of the biggest, badest Sasquatch sumbitchs any whar!
So I wuz going out thar to the wild and woolly Big Thicket that ever one is a’talkin bout. Plus, I decided to put a spin on it: primitive hunting! That is, I wuz only gonna hunt down and kill them thar critters with my BARE HANDS! Now that thar is sum fun!!! Rest and relaxation, here’s I comes!!!
I managed to git myself to Texas in pretty good time. Thar wuz a little trouble in Mississippi at an all-night truck stop over a pack of Skittles and a glory hole in the restroom which wasn’t exactly as advertised. But I won’t go into that right now except to say that I have to go back out thar in a couple months fer a court day. But don’t fret over it fer me. I ain’t goin!
I hit the Texas state line round daybreak on a Saturday morning. It had been a long and arduous journey. My old donkey, Kamala, wuz gittin up thar in age. I wasn’t sure if’n she would even survive the long trip frum Sasquatch Hollow to Texas pulling me in my old rustic wagon along with my supplies. But the old girl made it like a trooper!!
When I entered the State of Texas I knew I wuz bout another two days from Big Thicket. But I also knew that I had sumthang else I had to do first, before I went huntin.
Jest then I noticed that I wuz passin by a Ford dealership on the side of the road. Well sir, a lightbulb went off in my head! The first thang I did wuz to pull out my old .44 magnum hawg leg frum my pants, pointed it at my mule’s head, then …. NOTHING HAPPENED!!
Upon inspection I realized that I wuz holding my cock! I dun did accidentally pull my old cooch pole frum my pants. I got to tell ya’ll at this point that I had been on the road for two weeks and I wuz hot and tired. I shook my head, put my cock up, found my revolver, then sent my beloved Kamala to heaven. I put the old girl out of her misery. After the long sojourn on the concrete of the interstate she did not even have hoofs anymore. They have worn off! By the time we reached Texas old Kamala wuz walking on four bloody stumps, she wuz!
I bowed my head, took off my old huntin hat, and sed a little prayer fer Kamala. Then I got out my knives and bone saw and butchered the mule right thar on the side of the road. In fact, I set up camp right thar, on Interstate 10 West, jest Inside Texas. I needed a break. So I kicked back and slow cooked the mule’s loin on the fire I built as I sat down, leaned up agin a wagon wheel, and drank sum of my good old homemade corn licker brewed back home in Sasquatch Hollow.
Bout 2:00 a.m. a Texas State Patrol car pulled up to my camp. Thar wuz two pigs. The first one wuz a real prick named “Officer Pedro Gonzalez”. He wuz fast-talkin and clearly on a power trip of the degree reserved for short dicks. The other offer was called “Lieutenant Big Meat Pete”. He wuz more laid back, spoke and moved slower, and seemed like someone I could do bidness with.
Gonzalez stormed into my camp and right up to me, getting in my face. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!? YOU CAN’T CAMP HERE!! YOU NEED TO PUT OUT THAT FIRE … NOW!!! CLEAN UP THIS FUCKING MESS, GET THAT DEAD ANIMAL OFF THE ROAD, AND GET THAT GODDAMNED CONTRAPTION OUT OF HERE…. NOW!!!
I shook my head and looked down at the ground. “What I’m the hell has the world come to?”, I thought as I reached into my pants and slid my hand around the grips of my .44 magnum and slowly started pulling it out.
Just then old Lt. Big Meat Pete walked over with his hand held up and saying “Whoah thar, fellas. Thar’s no need ta git all squirrelly over this here situation.” I thought yo myself that this old boy is alright. He seemed to be the kind of true Texas gentleman that you expect when you come to this state, unlike that little swarthy prick, Gonzalez.
Old Pete continued on, “Hi thar, feller! I’m old Big Meat Pete. Welcome to Texas! What brings ya’ll this way?” I told old Pete my name and explained to him why I wuz thar in Texas and about camping out. That arrogant rat Gonzalez wuz clearly getting agitated. He had already pulled out his baton from his duty belt and wuz a’statin at me like he wuz wantin to smash in my head with it.
Old Pete kept on talkin. “Well, son, we am sure iz glad to have ya here in …. [pause] uh hey, Roy… is that mule I smell?” I sed “Shore is, Pete. Why don’t ya sit awhile and have ya sum. Have ya a little nip of this here shine too. Made it myself!” Pete got a big, wide grin on his face, sed “Well, I don’t mind if’n I do! Mighty kind of ya, Roy!”
It wuz at this point where Gonzalez lost his shit. He pulled his pistol and pointed it in old Roy’s direction. He then started going on and on about how old Pete is corrupt and that he wuz taking over the investigation. Then “
BAM!!!”, the report frum my .44 magnum is a beautiful thang to behold! Quiet then fell upon my camp, save for old Pete’s chomping on a piece of smoked mule meat. I sed to Pete, “Sorry I had to do that, Pete”. Old Pete did not even stop chewing as he spoke “Oh, fuck that w#tba#k sumbitch. Boy, this here is sum damn fine mule, Roy! <BURP!>”
After Pete ate about 3 pounds of mule meat and drank an entire Mason jar of my high-proof moonshine. He sed “Goodnight, Roy! Thanky fer the vittles and hooch! Let me knowd if’n ya’ll need anything whilst ya in the great state of Texas!” I sed goodbye and then watched as the patrolman got into his car, turned on its siren and took off headed East in the westbound lanes at high speed. It clearly struck me that the sumbitch wuz going the wrong way. But I jest shrugged and thought “fuck him”. I then curled up under a burlap sack and got some much needed sleep.
Now, to cut a long story short, I woke up well before dawn at the sound of the wailing sirens on cop cars and ambulances speeding east. I decided to git to werk. I walked over to that old Ford dealership in front of which I had set up camp. I stole me an F350 Dually and and enclosed toy trailer fer hauling motorcycles and moonshine and sech. I then gathered up the shit I needed before setting my camp on fire. Then I hauled ass in my new truck and towing trailer!!
Before I headed over to the Big Thicket to murder sum of them thar Bigfoots, I headed south to the US-Mexican border. See, I had decided to do my patriotic duty and help out with that thar border crises that old man Joe Biden created when he took office and fucked the ever livin shit outa everthang. See, what I dun did wuz call my contact in the Taco Mafia, an old feller named Rodrigo Burrito, and told him I wuz gonna hep him smuggle sum leaf blowers across the border. They is paying $1,500.00 a head fer this!!
Well, I stole me a a big old pickup truck and an enclosed trailer to pull behind it. I’d roll up to the border at a secluded location, load up not thutty them tamales at a time, and take payment. After that I would give each landscaper a small baggie of fentanyl ((I told em it were headache powder) then locked them sumbitches up in the trailer I hauled add to Houston … straight to the local DEA office, where I turned them all in fer drug smugglin!
Them thar DEA fellers was tickled pink! They yanked them old Mexican families out of my trailer, beat them into submission, then performed repeated and violent body cavity searches. It wuz a win-win fer me cuz I made good bank off the Taco Mafia and I kept a bunch of swarthy illegal aliens of the streets of America. But still, I felt like I deserved more.
Whilst them old DEA boys were probin them Mexicans with their batons, I called the head guy over. “Hey, Lieutenant Himmler! Can I have a word wit ya?”, I said. The cop sauntered on over to me. I sed, “Now looky here. Ya’ll don’t wanna have to process all these here be#ners. That’s a lot of work.” The Lieutenant replied with a heavy Texas drawl, “Well now, Roy, I reckon that bout 5-6 of them thar little fellas will make a run fer here shortly and we’ll have to gun em down, know what I mean?” I knowd what he means.
I continued on “Well now, that thar sounds like a right good plan. In fact, I’d like to git in on sum that too if’n I can. But there’s sumthang else I wanna talk to ya bout.” The Lieutenant sed “Well hell yeah, Roy!! Jest grab yer old shootin iron and I’ll deputize ya! We is got us a pool goin. The most head shots wins!”
“Sounds good!”, I sed. “But thar’s sumthang else.” The old top cop narrowed his eyes, cocked his head, and leaned forward. Clearly I had his attention. I continued, “Ya see that thar girl over thar in the ass-tight jeans and Joe Biden T-shirt?” The Lieutenant looked over at her and sed “Yep.”
I sed “Well, I dun took a likin to that little squaw. I want her.”
The Lieutenant replied “Well now, Roy, of course I don’t rightly give a shit. I mean, I cain’t sell her to ya. I’m an officer of the law and that would be an ethical problem fer me. I think they call it a ‘conflict of interest’. But sure, I COULD give her to ya.”
The cop continued, “But Roy, how you know me that lil bitch is of legal age?” I sed “I checked her ID”. The Lieutenant immediately sed “Oh, OK! As long as she is of legal age then go ahead and take the lil Taco. I don’t give a fuck. Have fun. Knock yer self out!! But do me one favor, Roy.” I sed “Sure, whut?” The Lieutenant sed “Well, if’n that thar young, seemingly healthy girl happens to drop dead while in your possession, don’t leave it in my jurisdiction, ok?” I sed “You got it, Chief!”
Of course, I knowd that this here cute lil bitch wuz over 18. I got an up close and person look at her whilst I wuz shoving the baggy of drugs up her cooter hole. So thar’s no problem with that. She’s my property now!
I took that pretty little brown skinned girl, put her in my truck, and tied her up so she can’t escape. She spoke no English, only Taco Muncher. Man, she sure wuz pretty, and her tight little body wuz smoking hot! I bet I could take her back to Sasquatch Hollar and make a pretty penny selling her to Madam Kalashnikov at the local whoowah house! But I had other plans fer her.
Well, as predicted, then illegal aliens did make a run fer it. But the cruel hand of justice came down on them hard on ‘em! Me and the DEA boys had us a good laff, shook hands, and then I left with my new jizz jug tied up in the seat next to me.
I headed on up to Big Thicket from thar. Bout halfway thar I caught a ferocious case of the shits from eating old Kamala! I pulled over to relive myself in sum bushes, then got run off by the folks in the Lowe’s garden department. But that weren’t the end of it. I had to stop 7 more times because of explosive diarrhea. I shit myself so bad, in fact, that I ruined my britches and skivvies and had to go plum bare assed. On on such stop I couldn’t even get out of my truck without launching a load of brown water across the cab of the truck and allow my lil Mexican companion and the passenger side window. I felt a little bad fer her after that so I stopped at a Taco Bell and bought her a burrito.
After a couple hours on the road I had pretty much emptied my bowels of old Kamala. Then, jest as we were pulling up to an access road fer the Big Thicket I saw blue lights in the part of my rear view mirror that wuz not covered in shit. I pulled over to see what the fuck the oinker wanted.
Well sir, this. Lil lady in a poleece uniform walked up to my winder. I rolled her down and sed “Well hello there, little lady! What can I do ya fer?” She said she pulled me over because all my windows were obscured by a brown substance and that it weren’t safe fer me to be driving this way. I replied, “Aww shucks, it ain’t nuthin! I been getting along jest fine. Hey, you knowd what? You sure is a pretty lil thang!”
Then that lil police girl got all sorts of bent outa shape. She sed that wuz a mangled kid’s bicycle and two road hazard cones wedged up under the front end of my truck. I replied, “Well, sum fuckers jest don’t know they ain’t supposed to be playing in the road. I figured if’n thar sorry assed parent weren’t gonna teach em then old Roy should step in and teach em, know what I mean?”
At this point the lil police girl pulled out her service pistol, pointed it at me, and ordered me out of my truck. With a long sigh I complied and stepped outs my truck. “THUMP!!!!” came the loud sound. The lil cop looked in the direction of the sound. It were my cock a’hittin the ground cuz I were still naked from the waste down. She stood thar with her mouth plum open staring at my old tallywacker layin thar in the dirt. I sed, “Ya’ll like what ya see thar, sweet thang?” Her mouth closed abruptly and she returned her angry gaze to my face.
Well now, it were at this here point that the little copper noticed my Mexican travel companion tied up in the passenger seat and covered up in dried feces. The cop looked surprised. She exclaimed “OH MY GOD!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?” The little Mexican gal then started talking excitedly with her jibber jabber. I thunk to myself “Well hell, Roy. I guess you is a’gonna hafta do sumthang bout this before that lil cop girl gits hysterical.” Besides, it wuz gonna be nightfall soon and I aimed to git out in the woods to choke out a squatch er three.
Quick as a bunny I grabbed the pistol outa the little cop’s hands. Then I took hold off my fuckin stick, twirled it away 2-3 times over my head, and then busted her over her pretty lil head with it “BAMMM!!!” She hit the ground like a sack of taters she did!! I then looked at the pistol I took away frum her to see what she had been packin. It were a lil old .380 Glock. I sed “Jeeeesus Christ… PUSSY SHIT!!”, then threw the little pea shooter into the woods.
Well no, I gathered the unconscious dick-whipped little po-lease girl and throwd her into the cab of my truck along with my lil Mexican gal, got myself in, then took off down the Big Ticket access road. I had my a route plotted out on my old topography map I stole from the old sporting goods store back home, the “Sasquatch Bait and Pizza”. Unfortunately it too wuz covered in a thick and crusty layer of dried shit. “Well, shit!”, I sed.
I drove bout 2 and a half hours in Big Thicket. I went down the dirt access road fer a while, then took an old logging road, then road down sum rough-ass old pig trails. Finally I decided to stop and prepare fer my hunt. By this here time the lil cop wuz coming to. I wanted to go scout out the land a little bit a’fer I hed out fer the night. But I couldn’t leave the pig here. So I pulled her ass outa the truck and tied up her hands with my long damn cock rod.
She asked “What are you doing?!?” First thang I sed wuz “Shut the fuck up!!!” Then I explained that we were gonna do sum scoutin and that she wuz comin along.
Now it didn’t take long before the cop’s training come into play. She started in with all this bullshit about surrendering to her and how it wuz in my best interest to let her go and other psychological horse shit. I stopped, then turned to her to speak. I explained the situation to her. I told her that we wuz smack dab in the middle of lair of sum of the biggest and meanest Sasquatch on the face of this heat earth. Therefore, is wuz in her best interest to shut up lest she irritate one of them thar rascals and it rips off her head. Second, I advised her that if she chooses to keep on yapping I wuz a’gonna pull the whiskey cork outa my asshole, which I been dun using to stop the flaming shits, and stick it in her mouth. Either way, she WUZ gonna shut the fuck up.
That thar lil cop kept quiet after that, and I hit back to scouting. After a good half hour hike I finally came across the first Sasquatch sign! It wuz a hellish, Jurassic Park sounding “Ohio Call” sounding vocalization. What’s more, it wuz close, like with a half mile. We stood thar listening. That damned old critter let out 2 more howls! I knew I had to move!! I had to get back to my truck and git ready!!!
Well, right bout that thar time I wuz struck by a powerful pain in my old Johnson. Before I could investigate I heard the lil cop girl cry out in pain. I quickly figured out what wuz going on. Hearing them thar Sasquatch howls wuz giving me a stiffy!! I quickly untied my P-Rod from the cop’s hands. Lord knows what would have happened if’n I hadn’t of untied myself in time. I’m guessing my old tallywacker would have busted! I shore would have been in a world of hurt then!
I grabbed the lil lady and we high-tailed it back to my truck. After hearing them thar menacing Sasquatch howls the little cop-ess became very compliant. As we ran back to the cop she wuz nervously asking what the sound wuz from and whether we were in danger. I told her to shut the fuck up. “We gots us sum of that thar bidness to tend to, tits!! Shut up and do what I say!”, I sed. She just nodded and kept on running with me.
When we reached my truck the little enchilada I had tied up had obviously heard the horrific Bigfoot howls becuz she wuz goin bat shit crazy. Amazingly, I discovered in that moment the bitch knows how to speak English. She yelled out “ROY! ROY!!!” I told her to shut the fuck up, realizing having two bitches at yer side doubles the bullshit ya gotta deal with.
But the little taco girl continued, “ROY!! ROY!!! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!! THERE’S A MONSTER!!!! Annoyed, I sed to her “DAMMIT, BITCH!!! YOU DUN SEEN IT!! AND YOU KNOWD I DUN SHIT MY BRITCHES!!! I AIN’T GOT NOWHAR ELSE TO PUT IT!!!”
I wuz assuming she wuz talking bout my monster dong. But she continued. “ROY!!! NO!!! THATS NOT WHAT I MEAN!!!” By this time I had had it with this little south-of-the-border snooch. I started to reach fer my old .44 magum shootin iron when she sed the one thang that made my blood run cold: “ROY!!! BEHIND THE TRUCK!!! ITS HERE NOW!!! IT CAME AROUND WHEN YOU AND THE PIG WALKED OFF!!”
Now I understood. It was a trap!!! That mothertrucker wuz gonna ambush me!! I jabbed my hand deeper under the front seat looking fer my shootin iron. Then things got worse. Much worse.
I heard my hammer on my pistol cock behind me. Then I heard that lil ole sissy cop say “Put your hands over your head, Roy! NOW!! Do it or I will kill you where you stand!!!” Boy, wuz I pissed at myself!!! In all the excitement I momentarily lost track of that cop bitch. Now she got the slip on me, and with my own gun!!! Shit!!!!
I decided to work my charm. I sed “Put that thar shootin iron down you stupid skank-bitch before I cock whip you again!” Her voice wuz quivering in rage as she sed “I am going to save the taxpayers some money and just do it and send you back to hell, where you came fro…..” then complete and utter silence followed by a loud “THUD!”
I sed, “Uh, honey? Is you ok?” Then I turned around and looked jest as her headless body crumpled to the ground. Standing right thar behind where the pig girl wuz a’standing wuz a GIGANTIC Sasquatch!!! The motherfucker wuz ever bit of 14 feet tall! The shoulders were more broader than Oprah Winfrey’s fat ass. They had to be 7 feet wide, minimum!
While that stupid bitch wuz standing thar pointing my Hawg Laig at me that damned old Sasquatch snuck up behind her and ripped her head plum clean off!! The thud I heard wuz her head hitting the ground after the monster dropped it. As I stood thar jest staring at the beast I heard that little Mexican gal screaming in horror behind me. I thought to myself as I rolled my eyes, “Goddamn… This here is the last time I bring a bitch with me on a Sasquatch hunt.” But I did not have time fer the battle of the sexes. I had to deal with this murderous Sasquatch!!!
The next thang I dun did wuz to pull out my pecker to take a leak and cypher on this here situation fer a minute. But that big ole beast-critter wusn’t havin enny of it. He let loose with a big old god awful roar. Well sir, I gathered up 4-5 feet of my, whipped it round in a circle a time er two, then concked the critter on its head with it.
The Sasquatch looked stunned. Apparently it ain’t never been dick-whipped before. Then somethang funny happened. It got a real sad look on its face. It wuz jest a’starin at my massive cock laying thar on the ground. Then the critter got all drawn up and covered it’s nethers with both hands. It seemed right embarrassed, it dun did.
I felt a bit empathetic fer the critter. Sure, it wusn’t packing as much man meat down thar as I were. But hell, who does? I have caused horses to die from envy. Yep, they jest see what I got goin on and they start running into brick walls, head first, until they kilt themselves. I always been taught that with great cock comes great responsibility.
I started talking to the poor Sasquatch in a baby voice. “Hey… Why the long face, fella? Come on now, I am sure you ain’t got nuffin to be afraid of. Heck, you is a big old boy! Even an average Wang on you is going to be bigger than most men. Come on, let me see that thar hog leg!” But the Sasquatch stewed in its shame, maintaining a gaze to the ground and using its hands to hide its groin. But I kept it up. I figured the old boy jest needed sum reassurance.
After a few minutes, and me sharing a Butterfinger with the beast, things got a little more relaxed. After a bit we both had forgotten about the Sasquatch’s dick. We wuz sittin side by side on the ground and sippin from a jar of shine I retrieved from under the seat of my old truck. I wuz even showing the big old Bigfoot video of me fucking sum old truck stop whore I recorded on my phone!
Finally, I sed, “Looky here, Bigfoot. You is alright. But it’s late and I think I’d like to go find a whoowah house and git my freak on. Why don’t you take this here little Mexican gal I got tied up in my truck, and I’ll go hits me a little Asian whoowah in town. Whaddaya say?”
Well sir, that monster’s eyes got as big as saucers, and a grin appeared on its face. I untied Dora the Explorer and handed her over to the beast. The damned thang wuz slobbering! That gal wuz gonna got the pounding of her life! But hell, I wuz jest a’gonna use her fer Bigfoot bait anyway. At least this here way she has a chance to live AND she will git to have the time of her life.
“You have a good ‘un, feller”, I said as I waived goodbye to the Bigfoot. I turned to git in my truck. Then, things took a dark and sudden turn.
At first I heard giggles coming from the little Latina. Then they escalated into all-out belly laughter. I went over there to see what the duck wuz so funny. The chick was pointing at the the beast’s groin while laughing her ass off. I look up at the Sasquatch. It had hung its head, tears were streaming down its cheeks. I felt kinda bad fer the critter, especially since he and I had jest partied together.
I looked down at the animals groin. My first thought wuz “Well, where in the fuck is it?” Truth be told, nuffin wuz thar. I pulled out my pack of matches and lit one fer illumination. I held it up close to the animal. But still I couldn’t find its pecker. I wuz plum perplexed!
By this point the lil Mexican gal had somewhat composed herself. She sed to me, “Look Roy, right here!” She pulled back the hair on that mangy beast whar it’s rod should be. I leaned in real close with my match as close to the critter as I could get it without catching the hair on fire. I couldn’t see shit!
I sed “Goddamn it woman!! Thar ain’t nuffin thar!!” Now she is pointing close to the skin and saying “Look closer!!! Ha ha ha ha!!!”
I sed “Jest wait a fucking minute!”, then wint yo my truck to fetch my old reading glasses. Back at the squatch, with glasses and another lit match fer illumination, I bent in real close to the critters junk. After the Mexican chick pulled back the hair and pointed right at it, I finally saw it. I sed “Damn. That’s it huh?” It wuz the size of a BB, like what kids shoot through air guns. I stood up, dumbfounded. I took off my hat and rubbed my scalp with my free hand. I think to myself “Goddamn, that thar is done humiliating shit. It’s no wonder that thar animal is pissed off 24-7.”
I looked up at the face of the Sasquatch. It wuz still looking down at the ground, tears streaming down. Then, in silence, it slowly raised its head and looked at me. It was one of them thar rare moments of harsh, cruel honesty. In fact, it were probably an existential reckoning fer the beast. I felt bad fer it, really bad.
Then I made up my mind. No man anywhar wants to live with a dick that small …
BAMM!!!!!!The blast frum my .44 maggum wuz deafening! The bullet hit the poor beast right betwixt it’s eyes. Blood and brains rained down on the forest floor and converted it into a colorful canopy of gloom. The Bigfoot’s body hit the ground and crumpled into its position of eternal sleep.
The little Latina bitch wuz as shocked by the report of my revolver as she wuz by being covered in the monster’s blood and brains. She jestcstood thar in silence. But I weren’t dun with her yet. Not by a long shot.
Before I left I tied that bitch up to a big old oak tree. Then I layed out a copious amount of dog treats. They wuz Snausages: Dogman Edition. Yep, this here were doggy treats jest fer dogman. Them damned old demon dogs wuz thick up in this here Big Ticket region!
I figured that since that dumb bitch humiliated that Sasquatch, she deserves some payback. I tied her ass up, made some calls that sounded like distressed and dying animals, and surrounded her with Dogman doggy treats, not to mention the gory remains of my Bigfoot buddy. The howls started growing closer and closer before I even left the area. That bitch is gonna get ripped to pieces, like carnitas on a taco!
Well friends, that thar wuz my trip to Big Thicket. Or more accurately, that wuz Day 1! I hung round fer 2 more days, choked out 3 more Sasquatch, skinned an entire pack of Dogmen alive, and had a 3-way with 2 chick campers! All in all, it were a ton of fun!
