Today's joke

[seeJudy]

May 10th, 2014

One of my girl friends lost her boyfriend and rushed to my home cried that she couldn't go on any longer! I said I would give her a good advice, however first of all she must drink up that bottle of water (about 600ml).

After she drank up, she wanted to piss, but I told her to stay.

Half an hour later, she couldn't hold back to burst into the bathroom.

I caught her to say, "Do you ponder over your being crossed in love yet? Do you think that it's a BIG think just like the sky's broken?"

She replied, "Fuck them all! The only thing I want to do at present is piss! Others are so unimportant as to me!"

 

[Mr. H.]

I don't get it.

 

[USNavyVet]

May 10th, 2014

One of my girl friends lost her boyfriend and rushed to my home cried that she couldn't go on any longer! I said I would give her a good advice, however first of all she must drink up that bottle of water (about 600ml).

After she drank up, she wanted to piss, but I told her to stay.

Half an hour later, she couldn't hold back to burst into the bathroom.

I caught her to say, "Do you ponder over your being crossed in love yet? Do you think that it's a BIG think just like the sky's broken?"

She replied, "Fuck them all! The only thing I want to do at present is piss! Others are so unimportant as to me!"

Don't quit your day job.

 

[Iceweasel]

I think it must have lost a bit in the English translation.

 

[seeJudy]

I don't get it.

I think it must have lost a bit in the English translation.

Sorry, let me try again.

A girl, whose boyfriend dumped her for another girl, rushed into my home and told me she didn't want to live.
I passed her a bottle of water and listened attentively to her sobbing out.
However, after a while she wanted to piss (because she drank lots of water) even though her broken heart hadn't been patched up yet.
I stop her to bathroom without mercy.
Half an hour later, she couldn’t contain her urine anymore. She pushed me roughly aside and bursted into the bathroom. But I still caught her and asked, “Have you ever pondered over your being crossed in love yet? Do you think that it's a BIG thing just like the sky's broken?”
She replied, "Fuck them all! The only thing I want to do at present is pissing! Others are so unimportant as to me!"

Finally I concluded that love’s nothing.

 

[Iceweasel]

Mmmmmkay. So the moral of the story is that it's better to be pissed off than pissed on?

 

[shart_attack]

God bless ya, Judy, but I, too, for whatever the reason(s) totally do not get the joke.

I repped ya just 'cause you obviously meant well; but yeah, you probably should stick to writing trade books, doll.

(For the record, it is also not desirable to be sharted on. Just sayin'.)

 

[seeJudy]

OK, OK, I quit!

 

[seeJudy]

(For the record, it is also not desirable to be sharted on.)

Sorry for wasting your time ...

 

[seeJudy]

I'm back now.

 

[seeJudy]

May 12th, 2014
I always grieved at those who I didn't know in an unknown place. I remembered I once sat on the steps of a hotel crying but did't know why. Then I understood; in fact I felt sad at myself. I could see myself in those strangers and their fates I was afraid of. Actually my heart ached for every miserable me on the planet.

 

[editec]

I think it must have lost a bit in the English translation.

Perhaps it lost a lot in the original?

 

[seeJudy]

May 12th, 2014
My sister attended a spiritual program. In a class one of trainees shared an experience which was the time he came nearest to death. He said, "At that time I really wanted to die. I'd stood on the Yangtze River Bridge and thrown away my ID card and bank cards. On the point of jumping I saw the illuminated city across the river. In those lights, there was one especially bright. McD! All of a sudden I realized that I didn't taste each kind of hamburger in McD. So I couldn't die."

 

[shart_attack]

(For the record, it is also not desirable to be sharted on.)

Sorry for wasting your time ...

You ain't wasted my time.

(And I just up-repped you, for having asked that.)

 

[Iceweasel]

This guy is in line at the Safeway when he notices a hot blonde
behind him. She smiled and said hello to him, using his name.

He is stunned that such an attractive woman would know him,
and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from.

So he says "Sorry do you know me?"

She replies "Of course! You're the father of one of my kids!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
smiles and and says "Ah, you must be that stripper that I had on the
pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner sprayed whipped
cream all over us and beat me with wet celery."

"No" she replies with horror, "I'm your son's English teacher!"

 

[seeJudy]

your partner sprayed whipped
cream all over us

Something like this you mean.

 

[seeJudy]

May 14th, 2014
I asked a super student how he could get 140 scores in mathematics test (the full marks is 150).
He replied, "Just give up two fill-in questions."

 

[RosieS]

Sister Florence made it to the ripe old age of 86 before passing away.

Unfortunately, she found that she had been sent to the wrong place.

So she got on the Hot Line (yuk,yuk) and said, "Saint Peter! This is Sister Florence! They have pitchforks and fire down here! Help me!"

Saint Peter replied, "It is just a computer glitch, Sister Florence; we will get it fixed and get you up here."

The next day Sister Florence called again. "Saint Peter, I was a devoted nun and died still a virgin. They are lining up down here, saying they will have their way with me! Get me out of here, Saint Peter!"

Saint Peter replied, "We are working hard on it, Sister Forence! Any time now we will get you and bring you upstairs."

On the third day, the phone call was very short.

"Pete? This is Flo. Fuggetaboudit!".

 

[Iceweasel]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[seeJudy]

I think it's not good to make fun of a religious believer. In fact I know a few good guys, who're having a particular faith or religion. But it's ok to make fun of a smug American man.