Dear Friends, > >My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be >something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" > >Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true >story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. > >Here goes. Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn >that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily >tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was >our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra >for my sweet girl. > >What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with >a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is >a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to >incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage >electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be >short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but >allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the >prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, >and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, >whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things >in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! > >Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two >triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I >was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no >stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular >model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I >do love fire for effect. > >I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a >metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and >forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. > >I did so. > >Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! >Yipeeeeee!!! I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have >yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her >microwave. > >Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it >couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. >There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting >little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not >Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a >flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for >a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet >kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to >protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it >would work as advertised. > >Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the >time. > >So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading >glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one >hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst >would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was >supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a >three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the >ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this >little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in >circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy >triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' >way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. > >What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. >Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what >followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head >cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a >one-second >burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, >rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I >decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. >(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. >It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though >it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?) > >I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY >**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura >ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then >body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely >recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, >testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked >under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was >standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking >my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" >(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note >of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst >when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until >it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the >floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't >dislodge one of the prongs 1/4"deep in your thigh like yours truly.) > >SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! > >A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at >this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and >surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the >fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both >titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up >with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or >two, I'm pretty sure. > >By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm >offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and >handsome if I must say so myself. > > > >Miss 'em . . .sure would like to get 'em back. > >NOTE TO MEN: DO NOT buy your wife a Tazer gun. >NOTE TO WOMEN: Buy lots of batteries . . think of the possibilities. > >This message is provided to you as a public service to illustrate that >stupid should hurt, and most assuredly always does in my case. > >Have a nice day!