Discussion in 'Humor' started by Sandy73, Sep 10, 2004.

  1. Sandy73

    Sandy73 Guest

    Dear Friends,
    >My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
    >something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
    >Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true
    >story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future.
    >Here goes. Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn
    >that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily
    >tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was
    >our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra
    >for my sweet girl.
    >What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with
    >a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is
    >a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
    >incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
    >electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be
    >short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
    >allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
    >prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button,
    >and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
    >whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things
    >in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
    >Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
    >triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
    >was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
    >stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
    >model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
    >do love fire for effect.
    >I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a
    >metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
    >forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
    >I did so.
    >Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
    >Yipeeeeee!!! I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have
    >yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her
    >Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    >couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
    >There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
    >little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not
    >Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
    >flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for
    >a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
    >kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to
    >protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
    >would work as advertised.
    >Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the
    >So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    >glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    >hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
    >would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
    >supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
    >three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
    >ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
    >little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
    >circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
    >triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'
    >way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
    >What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
    >Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
    >followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
    >cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
    >burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound,
    >rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I
    >decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
    >(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty.
    >It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though
    >it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?)
    >I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
    >**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
    >ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
    >body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely
    >recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire,
    >testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked
    >under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was
    >standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking
    >my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
    >(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note
    >of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst
    >when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until
    >it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
    >floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
    >dislodge one of the prongs 1/4"deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
    >SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!
    >A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
    >this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
    >surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the
    >fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
    >titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
    >with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or
    >two, I'm pretty sure.
    >By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
    >offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
    >handsome if I must say so myself.
    >Miss 'em . . .sure would like to get 'em back.
    >NOTE TO MEN: DO NOT buy your wife a Tazer gun.
    >NOTE TO WOMEN: Buy lots of batteries . . think of the possibilities.
    >This message is provided to you as a public service to illustrate that
    >stupid should hurt, and most assuredly always does in my case.
    >Have a nice day!
  2. Jackass

    Jackass Active Member

    Aug 29, 2003
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    That was hysterical!! I know I could see myself doing the same thing!!
  3. Johnney

    Johnney Senior Member

    Dec 9, 2003
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    you can bet that had this story been real one of the USMB men would have been the one writting it!

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