Seth Meyers' Opening Lines

[Reasonable]

On the recent sexual misconduct scandals
“Good evening, ladies and remaining gentlemen.”

“There’s a new era under way. I can tell because it’s been this long since a white man has been nervous in Hollywood.”

“It’s time to address the elephant not in the room: Harvey Weinstein is not in the room tonight. I’ve heard rumours he’s crazy and difficult to work with. He’ll be back in 20 years when he’s the first person booed during the In Memoriam.”

For the men in the room, this will be the first time in three months where it won’t be terrifying to hear your name read out loud.”

On James Franco
“If you haven’t seen The Deuce, it’s about Times Square in the ’70s when New York was so seedy there were two James Francos.”


On a woman not being the host
“If it’s any consolation, I’m a man with absolutely no power in Hollywood. I’m not even the most powerful Seth in the room tonight [points at Seth Rogen]. Hey, remember when he was the one causing trouble with North Korea? Simpler times.”

“They tried to get a woman to host this show, they really did. They said, ‘Hey, how’d you like to come and be judged by some of the most powerful people in Hollywood?’ And they said, ‘Hm, where is it?’ And they said, ‘It’s at a hotel.’ Long story short, I’m your host tonight.”

On Donald Trump
“We’re here tonight courtesy of the Hollywood Foreign Press — a string of three words that could not be better designed to infuriate our president. Hollywood. Foreign. Press. The only name that could make him angrier is the Hillary Mexico Salad Association.”


Read more at The best opening lines from Seth Meyers' Golden Globes opening monologue - NME

 

[Lastamender]

Who cares? Besides you.

 

[Dale Smith]

Seth Meyers is proof positive that you can go far with no talent. All that is required? Great fellatio skills!!! You could put his comedic attributes on the left hand side of a sesame seed. I would rather have my eyes poked out than be forced to watch that unfunny sack of shit,

 

[BertramN]

Who cares? Besides you.

People of reason and good conscience are interested. That clearly eliminates conservatives from the list.

As always, thoughtful comments are welcome. But thus far, the conservatives' response(s) to this thread have again proven, all we can expect is their typical nonsense, denial, alternate facts, and off-topic silliness (e.g. written posts, ratings, memes, etc.). The message board designers included "funny" in their ratings system as an additional method conservatives can use to deny facts. The “funny” rating enables the conservatives to remain safely cloistered in their alternate reality.

As people discovered long ago, any reply to a conservative's foolishness is a waste of time.

 

[Dale Smith]

Who cares? Besides you.

People of reason and good conscience are interested. That clearly eliminates conservatives from the list.

As always, thoughtful comments are welcome. But thus far, the conservatives' response(s) to this thread have again proven, all we can expect is their typical nonsense, denial, alternate facts, and off-topic silliness (e.g. written posts, ratings, memes, etc.). The message board designers included "funny" in their ratings system as an additional method conservatives can use to deny facts. The “funny” rating enables the conservatives to remain safely cloistered in their alternate reality.

As people discovered long ago, any reply to a conservative's foolishness is a waste of time.

Bertram? I have been kicking leftard commie ass in this forum for a long time.......nothing you have written here has given me "pause for thought" nor have you ever taken me up on the challenge for an honest debate. Leftards shun true exchange of ideals like a Hollywood vampire avoids sunlight.


Next?????

 

[Dale Smith]

Who cares? Besides you.

People of reason and good conscience are interested. That clearly eliminates conservatives from the list.

As always, thoughtful comments are welcome. But thus far, the conservatives' response(s) to this thread have again proven, all we can expect is their typical nonsense, denial, alternate facts, and off-topic silliness (e.g. written posts, ratings, memes, etc.). The message board designers included "funny" in their ratings system as an additional method conservatives can use to deny facts. The “funny” rating enables the conservatives to remain safely cloistered in their alternate reality.

As people discovered long ago, any reply to a conservative's foolishness is a waste of time.

BertramN? Remember this brash boast??????

With his poll numbers tumbling (despite the misinformation, or wishful thinking, spread by his supporters), Trump’s massive ego will force him to pull out of the presidential race very soon, rather than face losing by a landslide to Hillary Clinton.



For all those ignorant suckers he conned into voting for him in the primaries and those who have jumped on the Trump “dam*ed” wagon since, here is some disappointing news. The deadline for replacing the Republican name on the ballot has already come and gone in the following states: Michigan, Delaware, West Virginia, South Dakota, Ohio, and unofficially in North Carolina.



In these states there will be no (R)'s name on the ballot leaving those voters the choice of either not voting for a presidential candidate, or voting for the Libertarian, or(?). We know they won’t vote for Mrs. Clinton. But no matter how it turns out, the GOP will have lost these states months before Election Day.



Now for more bad news, the deadlines are approaching fast in the following states: Missouri is August 16, for Iowa and Louisiana it’s August 19, and for Mississippi and North Dakota August 20. That leaves only five days for The Donald to slink away and the Republican establishment to replace him in these five states.



It doesn’t look much better for the GOP in Montana (Aug. 24), or in Virginia and Minnesota (Aug 26 and 29), or Nevada, Oregon, and Texas (Aug 30), and Utah (Aug 31).



That’s a lot of states for the Republican Party to sit out during a presidential election year. (Unless the governments of the Red States pass some fast legislation to change their deadlines.)



So, if there is a “rigged” election, as Trump claims, his supporters and the GOP will be forced to forever blame the Donald himself for not seeing his campaign through to November. Regardless of anything the Democrats or Hillary might do in the coming months, all the blame for a Republican loss falls on Trump.

 

[Dale Smith]

Who cares? Besides you.

People of reason and good conscience are interested. That clearly eliminates conservatives from the list.

As always, thoughtful comments are welcome. But thus far, the conservatives' response(s) to this thread have again proven, all we can expect is their typical nonsense, denial, alternate facts, and off-topic silliness (e.g. written posts, ratings, memes, etc.). The message board designers included "funny" in their ratings system as an additional method conservatives can use to deny facts. The “funny” rating enables the conservatives to remain safely cloistered in their alternate reality.

As people discovered long ago, any reply to a conservative's foolishness is a waste of time.

Donald Trump has the opportunity to be the greatest hero this country has ever known. Not by being elected president, but instead, conceding the presidency to Hillary Clinton in the morning on election day.



He would then explain the true reason for his run for the White House.



Trump would open his speech by telling the world how his supporters cheered when he called all illegal immigrants from south of the border murderers and rapists. He would then remind every person listening to him speak how his condemnation of all Muslims as terrorists gained him even more support from the conservatives. Additionally, The Donald would repeat his statement about grabbing a woman’s genitals and tell how his fans had no qualms concerning his sexually assaulting women. Also, he would describe how his many fans agreed that killing Mrs. Clinton would be quite acceptable.



After listing his many horrific statements about women, non-whites, Muslims, the handicapped, etc., and his personal attacks against individuals, Trump could then carefully repeat all the lies he told over the past sixteen months and show videos of the crowds who hung on his every word as if they were hearing unquestionable facts.



Following his concession and confession, he would then tell the crowd assembled, the viewing television audience, and the world that his campaign had been a sham. His plan had never been to win the office of the president, or to take advantage of the gullible members of the U.S. public. He had only one goal, and that was to expose how the Republican Party's manipulation of U.S. conservatives over the past four decades has made them, as a group, an extreme danger to our nation and the world. These are truths Republican leaders are loath to admit, especially to themselves.



To illustrate just how dangerous, he would cite how his political rallies had revealed the right wing’s overwhelming desire to wage religious wars here at home, in the Middle East, and anywhere else the right wing felt Christian law should be imposed. His campaign would have gathered evidence of the right-wingers’ willingness to overthrow our government and impose their own oppressive government, which would demand all citizens follow Biblical law, or the hypocrisy that passes for Biblical law by Christian conservatives.



A sham campaign by Trump would bring the needed attention to the right's willingness to use nuclear weapons and the many other dangers to this country posed by U.S. conservatism. These are threats the mainstream press have chosen to ignore.



Trump's campaign has unmasked the hypocrisy of Evangelical leaders and their followers through their support for his candidacy.



The millions of Americans who voted for Bernie and Hillary Clinton, the leaders and citizens of Western nations, and others who have decried a Trump Presidency would see his hoax as an act of heroism.



His campaign, sham or not, has uncovered the evil that exists in conservatism, the corruption that has eaten away at our democracy, and the need to keep “big money donors” and their influence out of our political system.



Of course, rational and informed people have no reason to expect Trump has this kind of courage and integrity. After all, he is a Republican, and his words have proven he is a true American conservative, with all the bigotry, racism, misogyny, homophobia, xenophobia, and every other objectionable and offensive character flaw of a typical 21st century right-winger.



Romney, Rubio And Many Others Have Called Trump A 'Con Man,' But Millions Of Voters Are Nonetheless Lining Up Behind Trump | Huffington Post

 

[Dale Smith]

Who cares? Besides you.

People of reason and good conscience are interested. That clearly eliminates conservatives from the list.

As always, thoughtful comments are welcome. But thus far, the conservatives' response(s) to this thread have again proven, all we can expect is their typical nonsense, denial, alternate facts, and off-topic silliness (e.g. written posts, ratings, memes, etc.). The message board designers included "funny" in their ratings system as an additional method conservatives can use to deny facts. The “funny” rating enables the conservatives to remain safely cloistered in their alternate reality.

As people discovered long ago, any reply to a conservative's foolishness is a waste of time.

In an update to the lead Mrs. Clinton currently holds over Trump in the popular vote, her lead now exceeds 2.3 million votes.

Hopefully, the electors in the Electoral College will take note of this tremendous lead that proves the will of the majority, and to the many conflicts-of-interest Trump has committed in less than a month since the election.

It is difficult for rational people to believe that even the most devoted Republican electors can be so stupid as to permit such a blatant crook as Trump to be President of the United States. Again, people of reason ask the Electoral College members to do the right thing and the responsible thing and make Hillary Clinton President of the United States.

Clinton's Popular Vote Lead Over Trump Now Exceeds 2.3 Million

 

[westwall]

Who cares? Besides you.

People of reason and good conscience are interested. That clearly eliminates conservatives from the list.

As always, thoughtful comments are welcome. But thus far, the conservatives' response(s) to this thread have again proven, all we can expect is their typical nonsense, denial, alternate facts, and off-topic silliness (e.g. written posts, ratings, memes, etc.). The message board designers included "funny" in their ratings system as an additional method conservatives can use to deny facts. The “funny” rating enables the conservatives to remain safely cloistered in their alternate reality.

As people discovered long ago, any reply to a conservative's foolishness is a waste of time.

Based on your past history of failed political prognostications I would say you are full of horse dung.

 

[Snouter]

“There’s a new era under way. I can tell because it’s been this long since a white man has been nervous in Hollywood.”

Uhhh, there are very few Whites in the Hollywood industry actually.

 

[Dale Smith]

“There’s a new era under way. I can tell because it’s been this long since a white man has been nervous in Hollywood.”

Uhhh, there are very few many Whites in the Hollywood industry actually.

Lots of liberal Hollywood queer pedophiles for sure.......

 

[Reasonable]

Who cares? Besides you.

I understand you don't like comedy unless it's unintentional with our unintentional comedian president.

 

[Snouter]

I understand you don't like comedy unless it's unintentional with our unintentional comedian president.

The Donald is often hilarious at his rallies, usually as a tasteful break from the serious subjects. His humor goes over the heads of insecure qu33rs and weirdos with insecurity complexes.

 

[Reasonable]

Seth Meyers is proof positive that you can go far with no talent. All that is required? Great fellatio skills!!! You could put his comedic attributes on the left hand side of a sesame seed. I would rather have my eyes poked out than be forced to watch that unfunny sack of shit,

Yet millions do every night. And he positively skewers trump every night. Castigates him. Emasculates him.
Trump makes it so soo easy with his daily buffoon act.
The one thing Trump has been successful at is creating great material for comedians everywhere.

Dope in chief: I'm going to lose a lot of money on this tax bill.
Dale: I'm sure you are . I believe you massa.

 

[Reasonable]

Who cares? Besides you.

People of reason and good conscience are interested. That clearly eliminates conservatives from the list.

As always, thoughtful comments are welcome. But thus far, the conservatives' response(s) to this thread have again proven, all we can expect is their typical nonsense, denial, alternate facts, and off-topic silliness (e.g. written posts, ratings, memes, etc.). The message board designers included "funny" in their ratings system as an additional method conservatives can use to deny facts. The “funny” rating enables the conservatives to remain safely cloistered in their alternate reality.

As people discovered long ago, any reply to a conservative's foolishness is a waste of time.

Great comment about the " funny " rating.
A deplorable can say the most inane thing and another member of the cult will quickly write WINNER !
What a joke!

 

[Reasonable]

Who cares? Besides you.

People of reason and good conscience are interested. That clearly eliminates conservatives from the list.

As always, thoughtful comments are welcome. But thus far, the conservatives' response(s) to this thread have again proven, all we can expect is their typical nonsense, denial, alternate facts, and off-topic silliness (e.g. written posts, ratings, memes, etc.). The message board designers included "funny" in their ratings system as an additional method conservatives can use to deny facts. The “funny” rating enables the conservatives to remain safely cloistered in their alternate reality.

As people discovered long ago, any reply to a conservative's foolishness is a waste of time.

Bertram? I have been kicking leftard commie ass in this forum for a long time.......nothing you have written here has given me "pause for thought" nor have you ever taken me up on the challenge for an honest debate. Leftards shun true exchange of ideals like a Hollywood vampire avoids sunlight.


Next?????

You never pause for thought that's why.
There is NOTHING ever happening upstairs.
A birther who believes the craziest conspiracy theories hatched by the nutball right.
You remind me of Trump: " I'm a real smart person" .... no smart person has EVER SAID.
Ha!

 

[Reasonable]

“There’s a new era under way. I can tell because it’s been this long since a white man has been nervous in Hollywood.”

Uhhh, there are very few Whites in the Hollywood industry actually.

^^ didn't get Seth's joke.
How funny is that!

 

[Reasonable]

I understand you don't like comedy unless it's unintentional with our unintentional comedian president.

The Donald is often hilarious at his rallies, usually as a tasteful break from the serious subjects. His humor goes over the heads of insecure qu33rs and weirdos with insecurity complexes.

Yes... it's very easy to laugh AT Trump.
And you including the word " tasteful " when referring to a trump rally is mind blowingly funny.
His rallies are similar to Mussolini's, Pol Pot's etc and other despots except they use better grammar.

 

[Moonglow]

I've never seen Seth Meyers and don't care to..

 

[Reasonable]

One of Seth's regular shows talking about Trump.

Here he plays clips of Trump educating the world that Puerto Rico is an island!
Who knew?

And of course himattacking the San Juan mayor because he's not happy unless he's attacking someone.
Funny as hell. Check it out.