Military humor

[Ringel05]

 

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[eagleseven]

Loading DD-class ordinance, as ordered.

 

[Foxfyre]

One of my favorite stories was told by an uncle who was career army. I doubt it originated with him but it is fun to think that it did.

He told about being temporarily stationed on one of those multi-force bases during the 'mop up' phase of the Korean War. The time of day was announced on the hour over the loudspeaker. One morning he was walking to the chow hall when the time was announced:

Good morning!
Civilian personnel - it is 8 a.m.
Army and Air Force personnel - it is 0800
Navy personnel - it is 8 bells.
Marine personnel - the big hand is on 12 and the little hand. . . . .

 

[mightypeon]

I have some Soviet ones:
The Russians and the Chinese are at the peak of political conflict.
Both countries threaten each other militarily...
A big package arrives to the Kremlin... Brezhnev opens it, it's a big bag of beans... And a note from Mao: "This is how many we will come to crush you!".
Brezhnev writes another note, orders for a big bag of flour to be sent to Beijing.
Mao receives it with the note: "...And this is how we will send you back!"


Hungarian communist president, János Kádár and Soviet president Leonid Brezhnev are arguing about which country has better soldiers? Hungary or the Soviet Union?
Brezhnev: "Of course, the Soviets are better! The Soviet soldier first thinks, only then hits!
Kádár: "No, certainly not! The Hungarian is better, he hits and only thinks afterwards!"
Then, to settle the problem, the two commy leaders make a bet and a Soviet and a Hungarian soldier are bourght for a test.
Brezhnev asks the Soviets soldier...
Brezhnev: "Sergei, that's korade Kádár, president of Hungary, hit him!"
The Soviet soldier starts thinking...
Soviet soldier: "No, I kould never hit a komrade!"
Then, the Hungarian soldier enters the test...
Kádár: "László, hit Brezhnev as hard as you can!"
The Hungarian sodlier blasts him with his fist, Brezhnev falls on his back...
The Hungarian soldier is ordered to leave...
But he just stops at the door and starts thinking...
Then Kádár despairs...
Kádár: "You stupid! You will ruin my bet! What are you thinking?"
Hungarian soldier: "I was thinking I should also kick him..."

A Russian pilot is shot down in a spy plane over Alaska.
He is captured by the US Army and locked up for interrogation.
US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the Mig-29 fighter!"
Russian pilot: "I don't know"
He is beaten up, then he's interrogated again...
US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the Mig-29 fighter!"
Russian pilot: "I have no idea about anything, I swear!"
He is beaten up again, then again and again, and finally the Americans get tired of interrogating him, so they let him go back to Russia.
In Russia, when he first meets his pilot comrades, he tells them: "Comrades, learn the Mig-29 plans well, 'cause the Americans almost had me killed for not knowing them!"

 

[SmellyLemmings]

rofl! number 8 was hilarious! very refreshing

 

[Charles Stucker]

The Different services have different slang for helicopters.
In the Air force they are called Copters
In the Army they are called Choppers
IN the Navy they are called Helos
And in the Marines they point and call "Ooh, Ooh , Ooh"

 

[California Girl]

Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral &diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD &defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines



U.S. Navy Directive 16134 ( Inappropriate T-Shirts )
The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval installations in the Middle East .
(It was obviously directed at the Marines.)

To: All Commands Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134/ /24 K
All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:
1. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions]
2. 'Shrine Busters' [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
3. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy' [Both English and Arabic versions]
4. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.' [Both English and Arabic versions]
5. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
6. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [Both Arabic and English versions]
7. 'Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]
8. 'Infidel' [English, A rabic and other coalition force languages.]

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive. In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:

1.. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.'
2.. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?'
All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

 

[Charles Stucker]

US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

Because that's what marines are for.

 

[California Girl]

US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

Because that's what marines are for.

Join the Navy - be the taxi service for real fighting men.

 

[Colin]

Civilian phrasebook for those about to leave the Army


ARMY PHRASE ..... CIVVY PHRASE

1. No fucking way ..... 1. I don't think that is feasible

2. You're fucking joking ..... 2. Really!!!

3. No bastard told me ..... 3. I'm not aware of that project

4. I don't have fucking time ..... 4. I will try to work late

5. Who fucking cares? ..... 5. Are you sure that's a problem?

6. Eat shit and die ..... 6. You don't say

7. Eat shit and die Bastard ..... 7. You don't say sir

8. Kiss my arse ..... 8. So you'd like me to help?

9. He's a fucking psycho ..... 9. He's somewhat aggressive

10. She's a ball busting Bitch ..... 10. She's somewhat aggressive

11. You've not got a fucking clue ..... 11. You could use some more training

12. This place is fucked ..... 12. We're not focused today

13. What sort of fuckwit are you? ..... 13. You're new here aren't you?

14. Fuck off shit head ..... 14. Well there you go

15. You're a fucking wanker ..... 15. You're my boss, i respect you

16. Blow it out your arse ..... 16. I wasn't here that day

17. You're fucking useless ..... 17. You may not be fully trained

18. Fuck right off ..... 18. I'll look into it and call you

19. Fuck off dickhead ..... 19. I'll no longer need your help

20. Tell someone who gives a fuck ..... 20. Have you run that by the boss?

21. How did you get this fucking pile of shit to work? ............. 21. Well done

 

[SFC Ollie]

An Army Sergeant Major was a guest at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of young and idealistic ladies in attendance, one of them approached the Sergeant Major.


"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and
said, "It looks like you've seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

Trying to move the conversation along, the young lady said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her and said nothing that suggested a lighter mood.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him upstairs to a bedroom where she "relaxed" him several times.

Afterward, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major glanced at his watch, "I hope not, ma'am. It's only 2130 now."

 

[AdlerianThinker]

An Army Sergeant Major was a guest at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of young and idealistic ladies in attendance, one of them approached the Sergeant Major.


"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and
said, "It looks like you've seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

Trying to move the conversation along, the young lady said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her and said nothing that suggested a lighter mood.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him upstairs to a bedroom where she "relaxed" him several times.

Afterward, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major glanced at his watch, "I hope not, ma'am. It's only 2130 now."

 

[Colin]

Military truisms

• Cluster bombing is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
• Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
• Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
• If your attack is going too well, you are walking into an ambush.
• If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
• Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
• No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
• Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
• If the enemy is in range, so are you.
• Tracers work both ways.
• Friendly fire isn't.
• Five second fuses only last three seconds.
• Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
• The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• Clothing scores only two sizes: too large and too small.
• If you can see the enemy, he can see you.
• And never tell your Boss you have nothing to do.

 

[SFC Ollie]

FARM KID IN THE MARINE CORPS

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are.
Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled up.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing..
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water and nice soap.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The Sargent is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.
I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.
The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .
I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Alice

 

[mightypeon]

A german and a US Army soldier discuss tactics over some beer.

American:"Oh well, in practice we do the following, run around, run into the enemy, take cover, call in the airforce and drink a coke."
German:"Hah, our ways are much more manly zan zis is!"
American:"How so?"
German:"Well, in zeh field we do zeh following, run around, run into zeh enemy, take cover, call in the Artillery and drink a beer."
American:"How is that more manly?"
German:"Easy, beer is more manly zan coke, and everything is more manly zan ze Airforce!"

 

[ThunderKiss1965]

 

[Foxfyre]

omg, I had forgotten all about this old thread. Do you guys ever run across threads that you have no recollection of making? But so much funny stuff here.

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