Marriage, non-marriage and ultimatums

[rightwinger]

I don't believe in ultimatums but think couples should be open and honest about what they want from a relationship. If one partner wants eventual marriage and family while the other is only interested in a loose relationship with no long term strings it is time to move on.
You don't say "If we are not married in a year, I am leaving" But after a year, you have a discussion on where the relationship is going. If you are not happy with the answer....Move on

 

[BDBoop]

Have you been in love since then?

The thing about marriage - ... all those peaks and valleys. There has to at least be affection and respect at the base of it. Love is almost secondary, if you're going to make it through the long haul, it takes a lot of different ingredients.

Sure I have. I just have no desire to go through that divorce process again, I don't want to be one of those old guys with 3 or 4 marriages under his belt.

But do you want to be one of those old guys with 3-4 long-term failed relationships under your belt?

 

[High_Gravity]

It irks me when I start off a relationship with a woman and I make it clear from the jump that marriage is not in the cards, than years later the subject comes up. Pisses me off.

 

[High_Gravity]

Have you been in love since then?

The thing about marriage - ... all those peaks and valleys. There has to at least be affection and respect at the base of it. Love is almost secondary, if you're going to make it through the long haul, it takes a lot of different ingredients.

Sure I have. I just have no desire to go through that divorce process again, I don't want to be one of those old guys with 3 or 4 marriages under his belt.

But do you want to be one of those old guys with 3-4 long-term failed relationships under your belt?

I had 3-4 failed relationships under my belt before I was 21.

 

[BDBoop]

I don't believe in ultimatums but think couples should be open and honest about what they want from a relationship. If one partner wants eventual marriage and family while the other is only interested in a loose relationship with no long term strings it is time to move on.
You don't say "If we are not married in a year, I am leaving" But after a year, you have a discussion on where the relationship is going. If you are not happy with the answer....Move on

Right. A person on yet another board recommended she just give herself the out. Say "If he hasn't committed, this is my plan. I'll start saving, looking at cute little apartments up on Cathedral Hill, etc." Leave him out of it.

 

[High_Gravity]

I don't believe in ultimatums but think couples should be open and honest about what they want from a relationship. If one partner wants eventual marriage and family while the other is only interested in a loose relationship with no long term strings it is time to move on.
You don't say "If we are not married in a year, I am leaving" But after a year, you have a discussion on where the relationship is going. If you are not happy with the answer....Move on

I think some women look at guys like me as a challenge, oh he doesn't believe in marriage we'll see about that I will change him.

 

[High_Gravity]

I don't believe in ultimatums but think couples should be open and honest about what they want from a relationship. If one partner wants eventual marriage and family while the other is only interested in a loose relationship with no long term strings it is time to move on.
You don't say "If we are not married in a year, I am leaving" But after a year, you have a discussion on where the relationship is going. If you are not happy with the answer....Move on

Right. A person on yet another board recommended she just give herself the out. Say "If he hasn't committed, this is my plan. I'll start saving, looking at cute little apartments up on Cathedral Hill, etc." Leave him out of it.

Well if shes using her own money thats fine I suppose, in the Military you have to provide a place for your wife to live as long as you are still married, you can't just kick them out.

 

[BDBoop]

Well, she better not be using him! I'm basing my statement on her needing to move ahead as though she made a bad decision letting things get as far as they got, so she needs to make her own way in life now.

 

[BDBoop]

I don't believe in ultimatums but think couples should be open and honest about what they want from a relationship. If one partner wants eventual marriage and family while the other is only interested in a loose relationship with no long term strings it is time to move on.
You don't say "If we are not married in a year, I am leaving" But after a year, you have a discussion on where the relationship is going. If you are not happy with the answer....Move on

I think some women look at guys like me as a challenge, oh he doesn't believe in marriage we'll see about that I will change him.

That's youth. Older women know that he speaks the truth.

 

[High_Gravity]

Well, she better not be using him! I'm basing my statement on her needing to move ahead as though she made a bad decision letting things get as far as they got, so she needs to make her own way in life now.

Yeah pretty much, and on the bright side at least she can move on without filing for a divorce and spending thousands of dollars on lawyers.

 

[BDBoop]

Yup. Oh, and another point.

He's a dad. So she's been doing the mommy work without the mommy pay.

Frankly, I don't think she EVER should have moved in with them.

 

[High_Gravity]

I don't believe in ultimatums but think couples should be open and honest about what they want from a relationship. If one partner wants eventual marriage and family while the other is only interested in a loose relationship with no long term strings it is time to move on.
You don't say "If we are not married in a year, I am leaving" But after a year, you have a discussion on where the relationship is going. If you are not happy with the answer....Move on

I think some women look at guys like me as a challenge, oh he doesn't believe in marriage we'll see about that I will change him.

That's youth. Older women know that he speaks the truth.

Older women were the best thing for me after my divorce, they were not looking to get married, have kids or any of that, they had all been there, done it and now just wanted to have fun. I had a couple divorcees in their 40s I would get together with regularly when I was 24 and they didn't put any expectations or pressure on me, we just had fun and it was great.

 

[High_Gravity]

Yup. Oh, and another point.

He's a dad. So she's been doing the mommy work without the mommy pay.

Frankly, I don't think she EVER should have moved in with them.

Oh wow so their basically a family, shes really ready to let this go because he won't get married?

 

[Unkotare]

Have you been in love since then?

The thing about marriage - ... all those peaks and valleys. There has to at least be affection and respect at the base of it. Love is almost secondary, if you're going to make it through the long haul, it takes a lot of different ingredients.

Sure I have. I just have no desire to go through that divorce process again, I don't want to be one of those old guys with 3 or 4 marriages under his belt.

So, when you were boxing did you refuse to fight because you were too afraid of losing?


Losing sucks. It hurts and sometimes it takes a long time to heal. BUT, you only gotta win once...

 

[BDBoop]

Yup.

 

[High_Gravity]

Have you been in love since then?

The thing about marriage - ... all those peaks and valleys. There has to at least be affection and respect at the base of it. Love is almost secondary, if you're going to make it through the long haul, it takes a lot of different ingredients.

Sure I have. I just have no desire to go through that divorce process again, I don't want to be one of those old guys with 3 or 4 marriages under his belt.

So, when you were boxing did you refuse to fight because you were too afraid of losing?


Losing sucks. It hurts and sometimes it takes a long time to heal. BUT, you only gotta win once...

Losing a boxing match didn't mean I had to spend thousands of dollars in legal fees and live with someone that didn't love me anymore.

 

[High_Gravity]

Yup.

If she is already living with him like this what does she think will change if they get married? does she think he will change, be a better partner?

 

[rightwinger]

I think some women look at guys like me as a challenge, oh he doesn't believe in marriage we'll see about that I will change him.

That's youth. Older women know that he speaks the truth.

Older women were the best thing for me after my divorce, they were not looking to get married, have kids or any of that, they had all been there, done it and now just wanted to have fun. I had a couple divorcees in their 40s I would get together with regularly when I was 24 and they didn't put any expectations or pressure on me, we just had fun and it was great.

Cougars

 

[BDBoop]

Yup.

If she is already living with him like this what does she think will change if they get married? does she think he will change, be a better partner?

As far as I can tell? She wants the security. That's why I said up-thread - that's no kind of security.

I used to tell my daughter when she was little and thought I could give her a dad "Honey, me getting married doesn't guarantee you a dad any more than it guarantees me a husband." I explained a bit about how the only thing worse than being single and lonely was being married - and lonely.

That's a big part of why I don't understand why people can't just be grateful for what they have.

I have also been wondering lately if relationships are truly meant to last forever. I don't believe that getting married automatically means that provided nobody dies, you'll be celebrating your 50th. I think people grow, and change, and it sucks but it beats being with someone that you have nothing in common with anymore.

 

[Unkotare]

Sure I have. I just have no desire to go through that divorce process again, I don't want to be one of those old guys with 3 or 4 marriages under his belt.

So, when you were boxing did you refuse to fight because you were too afraid of losing?


Losing sucks. It hurts and sometimes it takes a long time to heal. BUT, you only gotta win once...

Losing a boxing match didn't mean I had to spend thousands of dollars in legal fees and live with someone that didn't love me anymore.

Like I said, losing sucks, and you gotta understand the consequences before taking a fight. Some people don't have it in them to fight, and that's fine. But if the reason someone won't fight is because they are scared of losing, well...