Jos's Special chilli con carne

Discussion in 'Food & Wine' started by Jos, Apr 8, 2011.

  1. Jos
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    Jos BANNED

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    I went food shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to Shit yourself' chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your arse cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's a thing. I Woke up that morning, and even after two cups of coffee and a few sit - ups (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No Movement number 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbours as thunder and lightning.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Morrison’s supermarket that I often haunt in search of tasty titbits and the usual every day food
    Upon entering Morrison’s at first all seemed normal. I selected a trolley and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the shop from the Bathroom that the pain hit me.

    Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, Jeez this is close, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

    The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the bathroom which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot, a bit like a Crack of thunder crashing through the sound barrier.

    There I stood, alone in the biscuits and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? #

    Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Big mistake.

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few shoppers in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing Morrison’s and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. It was coming, and I raced off through the shop towards the bathroom, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand event took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the throne room, Then it came On I was floating above the toilet seat because my arse is burning red hot, purging. One person walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe', made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ' Oh my God' and quickly left.

    Once finished I left the Bathroom, re-acquired my partially filled trolley intending to carry on with my shopping when a shop employee approached me and said, ' “you might want to go outside for a few minutes.
    Why I asked?

    "It appears some prick has set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The shop guy took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.

    I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls.

    The next day I went to shop at Tesco`s. I can't say anymore about that because there could be a court case over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the shop"
     
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  2. AllieBaba
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    AllieBaba BANNED

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    Those poor people! You are a bad, bad man.
     
  3. Douger
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    Douger BANNED

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    That was absolutely fucking hilarious.:lol::lol::lol::lol:
    Gracias.
    :clap2:
     
  4. Mr. H.
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    Mr. H. Diamond Member

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