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jokes
- Thread starter miketx
- Start date
miketx
Diamond Member
- Dec 25, 2015
- 121,556
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- Thread starter
- Banned
- #23
An elderly gentleman
had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen
from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple
had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet,
who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties
are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, soas not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen
and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs .
She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
A senior citizen
said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys
are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man
was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'
Maurice ,
an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said,
'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Maurice replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen
from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple
had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet,
who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties
are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, soas not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen
and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs .
She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
A senior citizen
said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys
are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man
was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'
Maurice ,
an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said,
'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Maurice replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
Mikeoxenormous
Diamond Member
A woman walks into an exotic pet store and sees a beautiful Macaw Parrot in a birdcage, the parrot's name is "Chet the singing parrot". So the woman walks up to the storekeeper and asked what the parrot sings. The keeper says "Chet sings Christmas carols". The woman says "wonderful, how do you make Chet sing". The store keeper says "You put a lit match under his right leg and he sings, Oh Holy Night". "And if you put a lit match under his left left he sings, Silent Night". The woman wonders and then decides to put a lit match between his legs, and she hears Chet sing "Chet's, nut's, roasting on an open fire....."An elderly gentleman
had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen
from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple
had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet,
who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties
are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, soas not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen
and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs .
She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
A senior citizen
said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys
are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man
was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'
Maurice ,
an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said,
'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Maurice replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
miketx
Diamond Member
- Dec 25, 2015
- 121,556
- 70,505
- 2,645
- Thread starter
- Banned
- #25
Murphy goes to his friend Pat and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife.
Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"
Pat doesn't like it but, being Murphy's longtime friend, he agrees.
After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of
stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the Pastor gets
annoyed and asks Pat what he's really up to.
Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago.
Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"
Pat doesn't like it but, being Murphy's longtime friend, he agrees.
After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of
stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the Pastor gets
annoyed and asks Pat what he's really up to.
Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago.
miketx
Diamond Member
- Dec 25, 2015
- 121,556
- 70,505
- 2,645
- Thread starter
- Banned
- #26
Dr. Geezer
An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that's Gasoline!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young: (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.
Moral of the story -Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer. Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off. ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!
An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that's Gasoline!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young: (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.
Moral of the story -Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer. Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off. ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!
miketx
Diamond Member
- Dec 25, 2015
- 121,556
- 70,505
- 2,645
- Thread starter
- Banned
- #28
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely
terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like
it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that
was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of
the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run
away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no. says the nun. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws"
, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the
sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "Don't tell me you missed a goddamn 6 inch putt!"
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely
terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like
it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that
was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of
the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run
away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no. says the nun. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws"
, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the
sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "Don't tell me you missed a goddamn 6 inch putt!"
miketx
Diamond Member
- Dec 25, 2015
- 121,556
- 70,505
- 2,645
- Thread starter
- Banned
- #30
A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep crap now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks
away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from nearby tree figures he can put this
knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see
what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am
I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he
hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep crap now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks
away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from nearby tree figures he can put this
knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see
what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am
I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he
hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
miketx
Diamond Member
- Dec 25, 2015
- 121,556
- 70,505
- 2,645
- Thread starter
- Banned
- #31
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps..
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert."
The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him."
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake."
The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert."
The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him."
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake."
The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
miketx
Diamond Member
- Dec 25, 2015
- 121,556
- 70,505
- 2,645
- Thread starter
- Banned
- #32
The teacher said...Let's begin by reviewing some history.
Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
Very good! "Who said: "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bitl more difficult. "Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She hears a loud whisper:.. "F--k the Japs." "Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, the same student yells, "Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Damn, we're screwed."
Little Akio said quietly, "Chuck Schumer when Trump got elected in 2016"....
Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
Very good! "Who said: "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bitl more difficult. "Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She hears a loud whisper:.. "F--k the Japs." "Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, the same student yells, "Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Damn, we're screwed."
Little Akio said quietly, "Chuck Schumer when Trump got elected in 2016"....
Little Billy walked up to his dad one day, and said "Dad, I have a question...." His father says, well, ask away.
Billy then asks........"what's sex?"
His father then goes over, grabs Billy's mother, drags her to the bedroom, strips her down and puts her on the bed.
The father the says, "Billy........see that hole on your mom surrounded by hair? Watch this!"
The father then starts pounding the mother through the bed springs while Billy watches in fascination.
Two minutes later, Susie, Billy's sister walks in and asks.........."What are Mom and Dad doing?"
Billy answers, "They're having sex!"
Susie asks......."What's sex?"
Billy rips off all his clothes, and points towards his parents. Billy then says "See that hole on Dad surrounded by hair? WATCH THIS!"
Billy then asks........"what's sex?"
His father then goes over, grabs Billy's mother, drags her to the bedroom, strips her down and puts her on the bed.
The father the says, "Billy........see that hole on your mom surrounded by hair? Watch this!"
The father then starts pounding the mother through the bed springs while Billy watches in fascination.
Two minutes later, Susie, Billy's sister walks in and asks.........."What are Mom and Dad doing?"
Billy answers, "They're having sex!"
Susie asks......."What's sex?"
Billy rips off all his clothes, and points towards his parents. Billy then says "See that hole on Dad surrounded by hair? WATCH THIS!"
miketx
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Pretty blond woman seeking to hold onto her youth, spots an add for 'milk bath treatments for healthy skin'.
So she enters the business and inquires as to how much it would cost for a tub, and the proprietor asks "Whole, or Pasteurized"?
She says, nah, up to my tits will do just fine.
So she enters the business and inquires as to how much it would cost for a tub, and the proprietor asks "Whole, or Pasteurized"?
She says, nah, up to my tits will do just fine.
miketx
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A democrat walks into a bar and ask "what's the most popular drink".
The bartender replies..."A Russian Collusion".
The democrats said "I'll like to order one of those".
The bartender hands her an empty glass..............
The bartender replies..."A Russian Collusion".
The democrats said "I'll like to order one of those".
The bartender hands her an empty glass..............
miketx
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A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'
The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'
The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'
miketx
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A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnnie says "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a private jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while... banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnnie, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sally?"
Sally replies,
"I want to be his whore".
Little Johnnie says "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a private jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while... banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnnie, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sally?"
Sally replies,
"I want to be his whore".
miketx
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This is an interesting poll recently taken by the California Governor's Office
Is illegal immigration really a problem?
The poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."
Is illegal immigration really a problem?
The poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."
miketx
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Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down at the bar next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and stared up at the TV as the 10 o'clock news came on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building, preparing to jump.
Alexandria looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack said, "You know what, I bet he will."
Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. She was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
Alexandria replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money and Alexandria went back to work in the U.S. Congress
He sat down at the bar next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and stared up at the TV as the 10 o'clock news came on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building, preparing to jump.
Alexandria looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack said, "You know what, I bet he will."
Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. She was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
Alexandria replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money and Alexandria went back to work in the U.S. Congress
miketx
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Suddenly, a cow runs out onto the road, and a limo driving late at
night, hits it head on, and the car comes to a stop. The woman in the
back seat, in her usual abrasive manner, says to the Chauffeur, "You
get out and check on that poor cow. You were driving."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is
dead, but it appeared to be very old. Well, says the woman, "You were
driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over
there."
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full
belly, his hair ruffled, and a big grin on his face.
"My God, what happened to you?" asks the nasty woman.
The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king,
and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.
Well, I just knocked on the door, and when it opened, I said to them,
"I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."
night, hits it head on, and the car comes to a stop. The woman in the
back seat, in her usual abrasive manner, says to the Chauffeur, "You
get out and check on that poor cow. You were driving."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is
dead, but it appeared to be very old. Well, says the woman, "You were
driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over
there."
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full
belly, his hair ruffled, and a big grin on his face.
"My God, what happened to you?" asks the nasty woman.
The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king,
and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.
Well, I just knocked on the door, and when it opened, I said to them,
"I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."
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