Hugs in Kindergarten

[Cecilie1200]

My 5-year-old just completed his first week of kindergarten. Already, this year is shaping up into a pain in the ass. I do not understand what it is with public school teachers that they all believe themselves to be infallible know-it-alls about the "right" way to think and be.

First day of school, I had lengthy meetings with Quinn's teacher, the principal, and the school counselor to discuss the behavior issues he's been having while he deals with the aftermath of my divorce (Primarily, he has an exaggerated dislike of change and transition, and has been very clingy and bad-tempered about the switch from preschool to kindergarten.) During this conversation, I explained to her why he often insists on being called, "Robin": he decided months ago that his father was Batman, he was Robin, and his older brother was Superman, and they fight "bad guys" together. His preschool just shrugged and went with it, not considering it worth a power struggle. His new teacher, however, informed me that she didn't believe in accommodating fantasies and was "really invested in making him live in reality and be Quinlan". I looked at her like a dog hearing a high-pitched sound and said, "I should explain that Quinlan's parents were both creative writing majors, his older brother is studying to be a video game designer, and we're members of the SCA. For Quinlan, this IS reality." Seriously, lady? You think your job is to define reality for kindergartners and make them reign in their imaginations? I shudder to think.

Now we have a new conflict. Quinlan is a very physically affectionate child, who lives in a very physically affectionate world. For several days now, the teacher has been reporting - in very disapproving tones - that he needs to learn to "stop touching people". By this, she means that he's prone to patting people on the arm or shoulder, either to get their attention or to tell them that he likes them.

Okay, fine. I'm not impressed, but I actually do get the issue. There are some freaky-weird parents in the world, and the teachers and schools are concerned about protecting themselves from accusations of molestation. It's lousy that kindergarten teachers can't hug their students when appropriate, but whatever. And those same parents probably have passed on all sorts of strange aversions to physical contact to their kids. I explained this to Quinlan, and told him that he needs to only hug and pat people that Mommy has told him are okay with that sort of behavior, because we don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

However, he came home last night and told me that "Hugs are only for mommies and daddies. No one else." Excuse me? You need to enforce your rules, but you won't be doing it by making negative value judgements to my kid about how his family works.

Hoo boy.

 

[dilloduck]

Best of luck-

 

[Cecilie1200]

Best of luck-

You know me. The challenge isn't going to be speaking up and defending my kid; it's going to be doing it without creating a mushroom cloud over the school.

 

[dilloduck]

Best of luck-

You know me. The challenge isn't going to be speaking up and defending my kid; it's going to be doing it without creating a mushroom cloud over the school.

You have no idea how happy I am that my son has graduated and moved on from that liberal cesspool of child psychology theories.

 

[Gracie]

The teacher is being Mommy. Tell her to knock it off.

 

[Cecilie1200]

The teacher is being Mommy. Tell her to knock it off.

Funny thing is, I'm sure she'd be hyper-sensitive to anything smacking of value judgements if we were talking about me being a lesbian or something. If this keeps coming up, we're going to have a talk about how I expect her to respect MY family's unique character and behavior just as much as any "hot-button" group out there.

 

[Rikurzhen]

I do not understand what it is with public school teachers that they all believe themselves to be infallible know-it-alls about the "right" way to think and be.

Keep this in mind, of all the students who attend college, those who major in Education tend to be drawn from the least bright of the entire lot. Girls who major in dance and students who major in farming actually score higher on the SAT. Early Childhood Education majors are actually the least bright of the sub-disciplines found in the Education faculties.

Dim people thinking that they're bright is a very common occurrence.

 

[Cecilie1200]

I do not understand what it is with public school teachers that they all believe themselves to be infallible know-it-alls about the "right" way to think and be.

Keep this in mind, of all the students who attend college, those who major in Education tend to be drawn from the least bright of the entire lot. Girls who major in dance and students who major in farming actually score higher on the SAT. Early Childhood Education majors are actually the least bright of the sub-disciplines found in the Education faculties.

Dim people thinking that they're bright is a very common occurrence.

I've noticed that. And everyone knows that education is one of the degrees you get when you can't manage the math and science for a real degree.

 

[JT8691]

My 5-year-old just completed his first week of kindergarten. Already, this year is shaping up into a pain in the ass. I do not understand what it is with public school teachers that they all believe themselves to be infallible know-it-alls about the "right" way to think and be.

First day of school, I had lengthy meetings with Quinn's teacher, the principal, and the school counselor to discuss the behavior issues he's been having while he deals with the aftermath of my divorce (Primarily, he has an exaggerated dislike of change and transition, and has been very clingy and bad-tempered about the switch from preschool to kindergarten.) During this conversation, I explained to her why he often insists on being called, "Robin": he decided months ago that his father was Batman, he was Robin, and his older brother was Superman, and they fight "bad guys" together. His preschool just shrugged and went with it, not considering it worth a power struggle. His new teacher, however, informed me that she didn't believe in accommodating fantasies and was "really invested in making him live in reality and be Quinlan". I looked at her like a dog hearing a high-pitched sound and said, "I should explain that Quinlan's parents were both creative writing majors, his older brother is studying to be a video game designer, and we're members of the SCA. For Quinlan, this IS reality." Seriously, lady? You think your job is to define reality for kindergartners and make them reign in their imaginations? I shudder to think.

Now we have a new conflict. Quinlan is a very physically affectionate child, who lives in a very physically affectionate world. For several days now, the teacher has been reporting - in very disapproving tones - that he needs to learn to "stop touching people". By this, she means that he's prone to patting people on the arm or shoulder, either to get their attention or to tell them that he likes them.

Okay, fine. I'm not impressed, but I actually do get the issue. There are some freaky-weird parents in the world, and the teachers and schools are concerned about protecting themselves from accusations of molestation. It's lousy that kindergarten teachers can't hug their students when appropriate, but whatever. And those same parents probably have passed on all sorts of strange aversions to physical contact to their kids. I explained this to Quinlan, and told him that he needs to only hug and pat people that Mommy has told him are okay with that sort of behavior, because we don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

However, he came home last night and told me that "Hugs are only for mommies and daddies. No one else." Excuse me? You need to enforce your rules, but you won't be doing it by making negative value judgements to my kid about how his family works.

Hoo boy.

I've noticed that. And everyone knows that education is one of the degrees you get when you can't manage the math and science for a real degree.

My major is in business, and other than teaching I run my own successful online business. I assure you that I'm more than capable of work outside of teaching.

You have to keep in mind the threat of teaching and molestation charges are VERY real. My personal rule is that I will shake their hands or give them high-fives. NOTHING else. EVER. A teacher should never even ever be in the same room as a student if there's only one of them. Not under ANY circumstance. Anybody who thinks that's paranoia has never dealt with students before (these kids aren't as sweet as their parents think they are), or worse dealt with the crazy parents.

Every once in a blue moon I'll have a female student give me a hug. I just put my hands into the air and start to backup and make sure that others see it happening. It's sad because it's completely innocent and it hurts their feelings. But it's what it is. I don't want to get fired, or even worse be accused of a heinous crime that will follow me and my family around for the rest of my life just to protect the feelings of a student (who'll get over it by the next day). If somebody can't understand that--I don't know what else to say. You just don't get it I guess.

 

[bripat9643]

Best of luck-

You know me. The challenge isn't going to be speaking up and defending my kid; it's going to be doing it without creating a mushroom cloud over the school.

It's useless to fight the school. They will make your life miserable if you do. I had the principle of the school threaten to call child services on me because I was 2 minutes late to pick my stepson up at the bus stop, which is about 4 houses down from where we live.

These people are Nazis. Control freaks go into education because it's an environment where they get to control others.

One word of advice: record every conversation you have with anyone from the school.

 

[Jackson]

Take it easy mom. I think the teacher is paranoid about the "touching." As a first grade teacher, I hugged all day long as, we were "family". Anyway, you were way off base about "Robin." This is a school and they should be called their given names until they can write them properly. And never are they called a fantasy name! Maybe she can call him that once in a while as a joke when he does well on an assignment, but not as a rule!

This is just the beginning of Quinlan's school career. There's going to be many rules you will have to adapt to. Get used to it. Don't be known as a 'difficult parent.'

 

[Cecilie1200]

Take it easy mom. I think the teacher is paranoid about the "touching." As a first grade teacher, I hugged all day long as, we were "family". Anyway, you were way off base about "Robin." This is a school and they should be called their given names until they can write them properly. And never are they called a fantasy name! Maybe she can call him that once in a while as a joke when he does well on an assignment, but not as a rule!

This is just the beginning of Quinlan's school career. There's going to be many rules you will have to adapt to. Get used to it. Don't be known as a 'difficult parent.'

I don't "take it easy" where my children are concerned; do not even understand such a concept, nor do I want to. Anyone who thinks this is or should be possible, much less something that someone could legitimately ask or require of me, has automatically marked themselves as having nothing of consequence to say to me.

You want to relax and "take it easy" about your children? Go right ahead. Laissez faire parenting is the norm these days, which to my mind is a big part of why simply attending school becomes a life-or-death adventure all too often.

Rest of this post? Not worth the effort when it's written by someone who thinks the good opinion of bureaucrats is relevant where one's children are concerned.

 

[Ravi]

Put him in private school and quit whining like an entitlement junkie.

How are your S&M functions going, btw?

 

[boedicca]

Poor Quinlan...

Sadly, given how college boys are being falsely accused of rape for innocuous or consensual behavior, it's best that he learn to not touch girls....

 

[Moonglow]

I home schooled at that age....But the customers never enjoyed when my kids turned into strippers when the entered Wal Mart...must have been the music??

 

[ricechickie]

As far as the touching thing, there is also a time and a place where it is appropriate. If it's disrupting someone's concentration, then your child should understand that it's not a good time to hug. I don't understand the problem with patting on the arm or back, necessarily. But again, it can be about when and where it's happening.

 

[koshergrl]

Ask for a different teacher. And talk to this teacher's supervisor about her power trip with the kids.

Here's my school year run down...

My son who is talented and gifted, soon to be 11 years old, in fifth grade this year...has been placed in the crap classrooms for his grade for the last 2 years. His class performance has nose dived since we moved here from the charter school he was in before. Follow closely...so TWO years ago, I told the principal that I wanted to see my son in the older classroom that best reflects his age (we have one blended 4/5 grade) because it wasn't really great to put him in classrooms with really young, underachieving kids...Ok so the next year (last year) they didn't put him in the blended classroom. I went to the principal and said hey, I want him in this other class, and they talked me out of it. And so began the absolute WORST year he has EVER had in school. His teacher (who was a NEW teacher) wasn't consistent, told me repeatedly that he was distracting in the classroom, and that she had all these other kids she had to deal with so she couldn't really make sure that he was applying himself to his classwork, or make sure that he took home his homework, blah blah blah. I was finally like "what the HELL is going on? Do I need to come to school with him? I can only control what happens on MY end. I can't come to school with him to make sure that he does what he's supposed to on YOUR end...except I will, if I have to" they didn't like that much...I asked for a teacher or an aide for him, since they said he was such a pain in the classroom and wasn't doing his work at school, but I was told that his grades weren't bad enough. (That was when I was like "So what, should I take a LEAVE OF FREAKING ABSENCE from work and come to class with him so I can make sure he does what he's supposed to in class????? Seriously????) Anyway. At the end of the year (which was a complete wash) we managed to get him into a 5th grade class with a guy who was my daughter's fifth grade teacher last year, who the kids really like and know from Indian Ed and various programs where he's worked with them.

Then the teacher died, like a week before school started.

So. At registration, they put "Staff" for my son's teacher, and tell me that they'll post who his teacher is on the first day of school.

So we go to school on the first day, and damn if they didn't put him with the young class with an inexperienced, new teacher again. When I went to the class to meet her, about 3 special needs students walked into the classroom, and she was already looking sweaty.

The first day of school my son comes home, exceedingly upset, teacher is already yelling at him and taking stuff from him, he hates the class..all his friends are in the blended class, which is the class that he SHOULD have been in last year....

So I told the principal I wanted him moved. I said "I want Mrs. D's class for him. We were fine with Mr. D, but he's gone, last year was a wash, and I would like my son to have just ONE year here with a seasoned, recognized, and competent teacher" I looked at her student list, and it reads like a freaking Who's Who of this town...the other gifted and talented kids from his grade are in there (who happen to have 2 parents in the home) his friends are there, the kids of my friends are there, my BOSS'S kid is in there....

Do you know what that jackass said to me? He said "Well we like to keep the blended class sort of together..we dont' like to take out or put any new kids in" and I said "Uh, he SHOULD have been in there last year". He admitted that last year's teacher wasn't "a good match" and then said he'd "look into it" and let me know by the next Monday (this was Wednesday, second day of the first week of school).

Yeah. So I wrote the superintendent, and said look, I want my son moved, I want him moved into this class, i WANT IT DONE IMMEDIATELY. I wrote to the principal that maybe he could move one of the talented and gifted fourth graders currently in Mrs. D's class over to the crap class with the new teacher. But I wanted my kid in there.

I have never heard a parent say they regretted asking for a change of teacher for their kids..but I have heard plenty (I'm one, my sis is another) who have been very, very regretful that they DIDN'T insist on a change of teachers.

I went to school with my son the next day, presented myself at the office and said "I'm here to move my son into his new classroom". You should have seen people scramble.

Of course then it was like "Oh yeah we're all ready! We absolutely intended on doing that!" Like "what's wrong with you of course we're on it!" except we all know they weren't on it. "I'll look into it" is not the same as saying "Hell yes we'll do that tomorrow!"

So I'm persona non gratis at the school. The principal is definitely pissed at me, and I think the poor teachers were petrified that I was going to have a fit, but oh well.

They don't like it when parents (particularly single female parents) don't know their place.

I don't put up with their shit, unless I get tricked into it.

My son is in his new classroom, which he absolutely LOVES. He's doing great.

 

[koshergrl]

I fought with my daughter for years over being an over-enthusiastic hugger/toucher.

The teacher needs to shut the hell up...but you probably need to remind the child (like I did for years) "You know not everybody likes that, let's try not to touch people when we talk to them".

It's a work in progress. Teacher needs to wear a hazard suit if she's that worried about it.

 

[koshergrl]

I can always write the superintendent a letter, cecilie!!

 

[gallantwarrior]

The teacher is being Mommy. Tell her to knock it off.

Funny thing is, I'm sure she'd be hyper-sensitive to anything smacking of value judgements if we were talking about me being a lesbian or something. If this keeps coming up, we're going to have a talk about how I expect her to respect MY family's unique character and behavior just as much as any "hot-button" group out there.

You...are...a...lesbian! Oh, god forbid!!!!