You'll need the following: a cup of water a cup of sugar four large brown eggs two cups of dried fruit a teaspoon of salt a cup of brown sugar lemon from your neighbor's tree nuts from last walnut grove on Piedmont Rd. a bottle of whiskey. Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Put it down somewhere. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in that large, fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer! It's splattered dough everywhere! Beat two leggs and add to the fluffy bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity... Whew is it hot in here ? Okay.. Next, sift two cups of salt... or something. Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon ... urp ... juice and strain your nuts. Add one table ... spoon ... of sugar or something ... Who cares? Whatever the heck you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Check the whishkey again. Throw up in the bowl and go to bed. Who the fuck eats fruit cake anyway?!?!?!