The Complete Military History of France
Amusing, Andrew.
Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]
France is still alive. Where are those pesky Roman legions, again? Oh yeah, that's right. They still control the lower east side of Manhatten only now they call themselves the Mafia.
- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.
I note a distinct lack of Britian control on the continent.
- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Yet amazingly, people still speak French in France.
- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
You mean Catholic France?
- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
There was a war? The French didn't notice as they were too busy living well for three decades.
- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
Unlike some nations of obsequious pandering slaves I can name, the Frogs had the good sense to dispatch their royal parasites.
- The Dutch War
- Tied
Yet, amazingly France ended up with more territiory.
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
Viva Quebec, mon cher.
- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
Yeah granted. Spain and France did not become the privately kingdom of the Burbons. Whatever happened to the Austo-Hapsburgs Empire, anyway? Oh yeah, that's right...kaput!
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
No French help? No United States of America. If you don't know that, Andrew? You don't know jack shit about American history.
- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
Who is the king of France now? Oh yeah, that's right...they don't bow down to kings, do they? That's more of a John Bull kinda thing, isn't it?
- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
A delightful romp all over Europe. Note to self...cancel Russian holiday plans, and drink more wine.
.- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night
Finally, they French managed to palm off the Alsace-Lorraine on the unsuspecting Kruats.
- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
Oh? You mean when French stopped the Hun dead in their tracks and fought that war of attrition that so crushed the Germans that they pleaded for peace at any price?
- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
You mean the same British who ran away from the war until their cousins the Americans finally came to save that nation of royalty asskissing shopkeepers? Yes, the French certainly made a mistake counting on the English for anything like fidelity that's for sure.
- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
Ho Ho Ho. And then the Americans got their asses kicked by 13 year old girls wearing black pajamas. Very impressive.
- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
First defeat of a western army by the heathens? Somebody needs to read their history a tad more closely, I think.
- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
Yeah, remember how those terrorists flew planes into the Eiffel tower and the Palace Royale?
Oh wait...that was the USA getting handed its ass in Washington and New York on 9-11 wasn't it?
My bad.