French Attack?

[editec]

The Complete Military History of France

Amusing, Andrew.

Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

France is still alive. Where are those pesky Roman legions, again? Oh yeah, that's right. They still control the lower east side of Manhatten only now they call themselves the Mafia.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

I note a distinct lack of Britian control on the continent.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Yet amazingly, people still speak French in France.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

You mean Catholic France?

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

There was a war? The French didn't notice as they were too busy living well for three decades.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

Unlike some nations of obsequious pandering slaves I can name, the Frogs had the good sense to dispatch their royal parasites.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

Yet, amazingly France ended up with more territiory.

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

Viva Quebec, mon cher.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

Yeah granted. Spain and France did not become the privately kingdom of the Burbons. Whatever happened to the Austo-Hapsburgs Empire, anyway? Oh yeah, that's right...kaput!

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

No French help? No United States of America. If you don't know that, Andrew? You don't know jack shit about American history.

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

Who is the king of France now? Oh yeah, that's right...they don't bow down to kings, do they? That's more of a John Bull kinda thing, isn't it?

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

A delightful romp all over Europe. Note to self...cancel Russian holiday plans, and drink more wine.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night

.

Finally, they French managed to palm off the Alsace-Lorraine on the unsuspecting Kruats.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

Oh? You mean when French stopped the Hun dead in their tracks and fought that war of attrition that so crushed the Germans that they pleaded for peace at any price?

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

You mean the same British who ran away from the war until their cousins the Americans finally came to save that nation of royalty asskissing shopkeepers? Yes, the French certainly made a mistake counting on the English for anything like fidelity that's for sure.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Ho Ho Ho. And then the Americans got their asses kicked by 13 year old girls wearing black pajamas. Very impressive.

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

First defeat of a western army by the heathens? Somebody needs to read their history a tad more closely, I think.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Yeah, remember how those terrorists flew planes into the Eiffel tower and the Palace Royale?

Oh wait...that was the USA getting handed its ass in Washington and New York on 9-11 wasn't it?

My bad.

 

[Andrew2382]

lol editc..
you're a fucking idiot.

Listen, I am going to run to the store let me know if you want me to buy you a clue

 

[pAr]

Ok, I'll take a bite.

From what I can gather from this thread, it seems the fuss between Brits, Germans and French still exists, but only in America!

Because in Europe today, I would venture to say the majority of us is looking forward to building a peaceful EU.

Yeah, I know, peace in Europe is not in the interest of Lockheed Martin et al; but guess what.......

Cheers!

 

[Andrew2382]

Yes also, damn the English for not being to save France's ass earlier. I mean it only took a whopping 40 days or so for French to completely surrender. Hell, Poland got taken over but guess what...they never surrendered unlike you're french frogs.

In fact France got taken out so quickly, England had to take out the French fleet in the north so the Germans wouldn't sieze them.

Don't worry though, it was the selfish greedy American and British pigs that lay dead on the shores that prevented the French from eating Schnitzel today.

The thread was satire you imbicile, not to be taken literally sorry it went over your head...but please stop spewing bullshit as if France is a huge military power or they have long traditions of fighting. The peak of France's military mught is probably a 4 foot 5 guy named Napelon who evutally go this ass handed to him by Russia and a Burning Moscow, whose own generals backstabbed him and then exiled him to Elba


Also, did France help us in our war of independence?

Yes...and no...

They also came at the fucking end basically.

From the perspective of the American Revolution, however, the high point of French support is the landing of five battalions of French infantry and artillery in Rhode Island in 1780. In 1781, these French troops under the command of Count Rochambeau marched south to Virginia where they joined Continental forces under Washington and Lafayette. Cornwallis, encamped on the Yorktown peninsula, hoped to be rescued by the British navy. A French fleet under the command of Admiral DeGrasse intercepted and, after a fierce battle lasting several days, defeated the British fleet and forced it to withdraw. This left the French navy to land heavy siege cannon and other supplies and trapped Cornwallis on the Yorktown peninsula.

At that point, the defeat of Cornwallis was essentially a matter of time.


General Patton said it best

I would rather have a german division in front of me then a French one behind me. I know the German one will be there in the morning.






Why are there so many trees on the Champs de Lyses

So the Germans can march in the shade.

 

[Andrew2382]

Ok, I'll take a bite.

From what I can gather from this thread, it seems the fuss between Brits, Germans and French still exists, but only in America!

Because in Europe today, I would venture to say the majority of us is looking forward to building a peaceful EU.

Yeah, I know, peace in Europe is not in the interest of Lockheed Martin et al; but guess what.......

Cheers!

lol, take a trip to london or berlin and see how well percieved the Frenchies are.

 

[editec]

lol editc..
you're a fucking idiot.

Listen, I am going to run to the store let me know if you want me to buy you a clue

That would be le clue, mon cher.

How very kind of you to offer, though.

Thanks, but I'm full up on history, so I won't be needing any of fracture fairy tales you're so fond of.

If I need any intellectual junk food, there's always the History Channel.

 

[Andrew2382]

I though tthe only thing French people know how to say was


J'ai remise

 

[editec]

Also, did France help us in our war of independence?

Yes...and no...

They also came at the fucking end basically.

You clearly don't know much about American Revolutionary history, sport.

You know a bit about some battles, I suppose, and think that's what all it took to win the war.

Seriously, you need to do a lot of reading on this subject if you truly believe the nonsense you posted above is even close to accurate.

I tell you this out of kindness because I do think you don't want to be ignorant, and because you are making yourself look like an ignoramous in this subject.

The French Navy and the French troops were the least of the help that France gave to America, not all that nation gave us, but the least that it gave us.

Like I said, and I mean it, had there been NO French help long before the closing days of the conflict?

There'd have been no United States of America.

 

[mightypeon]

I cannot speak about London, but noone I know in Berlin (and you know, I live here) has a significant problem with French people. In fact, antiamericanism is much more widespread than francophobia.
Of course you bitch a bit, but who does not? I mean, Germans also bitch a lot about not real Germans like Bavarians or Saxons.
The Brits are also fun, the fact that a slightly drunk Brit suddenly thinks he can drink as much as a Russian (and obviously can not) opens many interesting situations.

I mean, the worst prejudice thing I ever did was to create a Cocktail out of Black Tea and Whisky (dont ever try that!) for some British friends of mine. They later responded by mixing good German Beer with Good German Wodka (pity for both) which resulted in something pretty revolting... especially after they placed a raw sausage in it.

 

[Andrew2382]

You clearly don't know much about American Revolutionary history, sport.

You know a bit about some battles, I suppose, and think that's what all it took to win the war.

Seriously, you need to do a lot of reading on this subject if you truly believe the nonsense you posted above is even close to accurate.

I tell you this out of kindness because I do think you don't want to be ignorant, and because you are making yourself look like an ignoramous in this subject.

The French Navy and the French troops were the least of the help that France gave to America, not all that nation gave us, but the least that it gave us.

Like I said, and I mean it, had there been NO French help long before the closing days of the conflict?

There'd have been no United States of America.

Ed, did you even read what I wrote. Th eonly person who seems ignorant here is you. I clearly said the French did help, they were the final nail in the coffin to Britian.

Spain helped too, you know that right? Th ehistory guru that you are. For at least five years, Spain had sent more supplies and money than had been requested to help the American Rebels succeed in what must have appeared to be an impossible dream. Spanish men from the peninsula and throughout the Americas fought in the conflict.

However, make no mistake...The colonist di dthe majority of the fighting, to say otherwise is fucking stupid and wrong.

As a result of the victory of the Continental forces at Saratoga, Benjamin Franklin, who had gone to Paris as ambassador in 1776, was able to negotiate a Treaty of Amity and Commerce and a Treaty of Alliance with France. From this point, French support became increasingly significant. The French extended considerable financial support to the Congressional forces. France also supplied vital military arms and supplies, and loaned money to pay for their purchase.

As I said before though the high point was when the 5 battalions landed with naval forces and the French and Americans pounded Cornwallis until he evuntally surrendered.

Their support was undeniable, but don't act as if they did the majority of the fighting, and quite simply, they took part in it for their own intrest not to see us free. British and French (and to a lesser extent, Dutch and Spanish) forces fought for colonial wealth and empire around the world. From 1778 through 1783 -- two years after the defeat of Cornwallis at Yorktown -- French forces fought the British in the West Indies, Africa and India.


Whenever you want that clue, let me know....I think they deliver

 

[catzmeow]

Because in Europe today, I would venture to say the majority of us is looking forward to building a peaceful EU.

Except the Italians, who can't stand you smelly french people.

 

[pAr]

Italian women can stand my French arse easy. And I've been so wonderfully received in London, if you knew you'd be jealous. Wait. I think you already are. Why would you belittle the French if not to flatter your wounded ego? How pathetic of you! Yeah, I know, many Americans have European ancestors, but it doesn't mean you ought to act as brats.

 

[catzmeow]

Italian women can stand my French arse easy. And I've been so wonderfully received in London, if you knew you'd be jealous. Wait. I think you already are. Why would you belittle the French if not to flatter your wounded ego? How pathetic of you! Yeah, I know, many Americans have European ancestors, but it doesn't mean you ought to act as brats.

I will say definitively that you are the ONLY Franker I like.

 

[Diuretic]

Didn't some of you get the memo? The "We Hate France" propaganda routine was repealed when Sarkozy entered the Elysee Palace

 

[pAr]

I will say definitively that you are the ONLY Franker I like.

I'm gonna take that as a compliment. XD

Didn't some of you get the memo? The "We Hate France" propaganda routine was repealed when Sarkozy entered the Elysee Palace

FRANCETASTIC! Isn't it?

 

[Avatar4321]

Nice to see someone trying to do something about Piracy.

 

[catzmeow]

I'm gonna take that as a compliment. XD

I'd hope for nothing else.

 

[tigerbob]

I cannot speak about London, but noone I know in Berlin (and you know, I live here) has a significant problem with French people. In fact, antiamericanism is much more widespread than francophobia.

It's the same in London.

The Brits are also fun, the fact that a slightly drunk Brit suddenly thinks he can drink as much as a Russian (and obviously can not) opens many interesting situations.

True. We always rise to the challenge, and always fall face first.

I mean, the worst prejudice thing I ever did was to create a Cocktail out of Black Tea and Whisky (dont ever try that!) for some British friends of mine. They later responded by mixing good German Beer with Good German Wodka (pity for both) which resulted in something pretty revolting... especially after they placed a raw sausage in it.

Pity the sausage.


There has always been rivalry between Britain and France, and Britain and Germany, but it's pretty good natured generally these days (except sometimes at soccer matches, but even that is nothing like it used to be).

England has many, many other rivalries much further afield - Australia and Argentina being probably the two most competitive.

 

[Epsilon Delta]

Obviously, the only sensible thing for France to do is burn Mugadishu to the ground, and have Sarkozy demand the blood of every man, woman, and child in all of Somalia.

 

[Diuretic]

It's the same in London.



True. We always rise to the challenge, and always fall face first.



Pity the sausage.


There has always been rivalry between Britain and France, and Britain and Germany, but it's pretty good natured generally these days (except sometimes at soccer matches, but even that is nothing like it used to be).

England has many, many other rivalries much further afield - Australia and Argentina being probably the two most competitive.

The difference between Australia and Argentina being that we didn't invade any British territory.....except for Lords, The Oval, Trent Bridge....but then you did launch the Barmy Army on us a few summers ago (oh and thank you for the money they pumped into our economy, it was very welcome )