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Discussion in 'Humor' started by Phoenix, Sep 1, 2009.

  1. Phoenix
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    Phoenix fideli certa merces

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    Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

    The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

    The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

    "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'
     
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  2. Phoenix
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    Phoenix fideli certa merces

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    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom.

    "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
     
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  3. Phoenix
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    A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

    She jumped up and slapped him silly.

    He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

    "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

    "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
     
  4. Phoenix
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    Phoenix fideli certa merces

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    New Terrorist Weapon ...

    $new_terrorist_weapon.jpg
     
  5. Ringel05
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    Ringel05 Diamond Member

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    Cool, the new ITD. (Improvised Trapping Device)
     
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  6. Phoenix
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    Phoenix fideli certa merces

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    a Chelsea Pensioner was sitting on a bench in the park in London.

    A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair that was all different colors -- green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

    The old soldier just stared!!

    The young man said. "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?"

    The old soldier replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
     
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  7. Big Black Dog
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    Big Black Dog Gold Member Supporting Member

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    I didn't know that Eve was such a pervert. I always pictured her as the "pure" Snow White kind of lady... Will have to re-evaluate my thoughts about her. I think there's a dark side...
     
  8. Zoom-boing
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    Zoom-boing Gold Member

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    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

    Damn!
     
  9. Zoom-boing
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    Zoom-boing Gold Member

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    • Thank You! Thank You! x 1
  10. Phoenix
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    Phoenix fideli certa merces

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    Exactly! :D
     

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