Ever wonder how they choose a suicide bomber? (satire)

[Delta4Embassy]

How Jihadis Decide Who Becomes the Suicide Bomber VICE United States

The world of jihadis is fraught with ethical dilemmas and complex questions. This is particularly evident in operational matters, but there has so far been very little coverage of the intricate methods that jihadis employ. Choosing who gets to be a suicide bomber is a particularly thorny issue that has been completely unexplored. Until now. In an unprecedented coup, we gained access to a meeting that illustrated the complicated procedure involved. The transcript of this fascinating encounter is below.

Jihadi Commander: I have called you all in today so we can decide who gets to be the suicide bomber in the operation tomorrow. Any volunteers?

[Silence.]

Typical. Where is your zeal? Do we have to go through this every time? Why can’t one of you volunteer?

Jihadi Recruit 1: Why don’t you volunteer?

Commander: I’m the commander! Someone needs to be in charge.

Jihadi Recruit 2: Who died and made you boss?

Commander: Abu Omar! You know that. He said I should be the boss before he went to do his suicide operation.

Recruit 1: See, he didn’t mind even though he was the commander.

Commander: It’s different.

Recruit 1: How’s that different?

Commander: You don’t understand these things. Now we need to decide quickly. The blessed one needs to get measured for the suicide vest. We don’t have these in all sizes.

Jihadi Recruit 3: Why don’t we pick names out of a hat?

Commander: That’s gambling, you idiot! We’re not allowed to gamble.

Recruit 3: I’m sure Allah would understand this one time.

Commander: You can’t even write your name, and you want to become a theologian? We’re not doing that!

Recruit 1: How about eeny, meeny, miney, moe?

Recruit 2: What are you, six? We are al Qaeda! We can’t play eeny, meeny, miney, moe.

Recruit1: Let’s do it by alphabetical order.

Recruit 2: Now wouldn’t that be convenient? Your name is Ziad, and my name is Amjad.

Recruit 1: It is written.

Recruit 2: Don’t go all Sufi on me. Your real name is Andrew, anyway; you chose the name Ziad. Converts.

Recruit 1: What’s that?

Recruit 2: Nothing.

Commander: Shut up, both of you. The infidels are laughing at us. Look at them sniggering in the corner. This was supposed to be a professional PR exercise; you’re ruining the whole thing.

VICE: No, no, we weren’t…

Recruit: Let’s just kill them—that’s easier.

When did this become about us?

Commander: We’re not killing them. Why don’t you go? You don’t want to serve Allah? There are beautiful maidens waiting for you in heaven.

Recruit 2: I want to, but there are a few things I want to do before.

Commander: Like what?

Recruit 2: I’ve never been skiing.

Commander: We’re in the middle of the desert!

Recruit 2: I don’t have to do it here. I could go to Europe one day.

Commander: You’re making long-term plans? Maybe you don’t understand what being a jihadi is.

Recruit 2: I do! I just want to go skiing before I die. Can’t a mujahid live out his dream?

Recruit 3: Actually, I saw this thing on TV once—they were skiing on the sand in Dubai.

Commander: That wouldn’t work.

Recruit 3: It totally did! It looked really, really fun.

Recruit 1: Maybe we should try it. Then he can go.

Recruit 2: No, I want to do it on snow, like the real thing.

Recruit 1: Let’s try it anyway. It sounds like fun.

Commander: We’re not trying anything! We need to prepare for the operation!

Recruit 1: Relaxing is important for morale. You should employ some modern-management theory.

Commander: I’m old-school. How about a religious knowledge quiz?

Recruit 2: I’m not so into that.

Commander: You’re in al Qaeda!

Recruit 2: I’m more into practice than theory. I’m a hands-on guy.

Commander: I am going to decide who goes then. This is not a democracy.

Recruit 1: I think you are a wise man, you should choose.

Commander: I know what you are doing.

Recruit 3: Let’s play a video game and the loser goes.

Commander: We’re not playing games! Who are you? American teenagers? How did I end up with you lot? I’m going to decide.

Recruit 2: Wait, how about we send Ahmad?

Commander: Where is Ahmad?

Recruit 2: He went to the market to buy beard cream. You know he snores so loudly and keeps us all awake? Two birds with one stone. Give him the gift of martyrdom, and let us all get some decent sleep. We need it; we have important work.

Commander: I have made my decision. We are sending Ahmad.

Recruit 1: Now, who’s going to tell him the news?

Commander: Any volunteers?

 

[Indofred]

Quality.
Sorry, I forgot, I have no humour.
As soon as I get a volunteer, I'm going to have you suicide bombed.
Tell me, if I get a gay Muslim to rape you and you have AIDS, is that a suicide bumming?

 

[Delta4Embassy]

Quality.
Sorry, I forgot, I have no humour.
As soon as I get a volunteer, I'm going to have you suicide bombed.
Tell me, if I get a gay Muslim to rape you and you have AIDS, is that a suicide bumming?

Probably wouldn't want to send a gay Muslim, I'll only turn him by giving him the best night of his life. Then we'll debrief him (so to speak) and use what he knows about ya against you. Especially all those late-night talks about how horrible it is to be gay, to lie next to a man, to embrace a man, and to kiss a man. No one talks about that kind of stuff as much as those eager to try it.

 

[Indofred]

. No one talks about that kind of stuff as much as those eager to try it.

I fully intend to get around to fucking a man, as soon as I run out of women and sheep.

 

[Delta4Embassy]

Interesting you mention sheep. According to many interpretations, when God created Adam and the animals, and before He created Eve, Adam 'made due' having relations with sheep. God only then made Eve when Adam expressed how he hadn't found his help mate among the animals.

Proof, how about the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?

 

[Indofred]

Interesting you mention sheep. According to many interpretations, when God created Adam and the animals, and before He created Eve, Adam 'made due' having relations with sheep. God only then made Eve when Adam expressed how he hadn't found his help mate among the animals.

Proof, how about the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?

The dude on the left is getting a blow job.
Hope he took its teeth out first - they bite (or so I'm told).

 

[Delta4Embassy]

The dude on the left is getting a blow job.
Hope he took its teeth out first - they bite (or so I'm told).

Well in fairness, I seriously doubt anyone in the Sistine Chapel's art is ever getting a blowjob. But the proximity is more than slightly suggestive.

 

[Delta4Embassy]

"Um, excuse me Master Michaelangelo, but what's that sheep doing?"

 

[Indofred]

The dude on the left is getting a blow job.
Hope he took its teeth out first - they bite (or so I'm told).

Well in fairness, I seriously doubt anyone in the Sistine Chapel's art is ever getting a blowjob. But the proximity is more than slightly suggestive.

Are you sure?

 

[Indofred]

The modern church tends to condemn porn......must be a new thing.

 

[Delta4Embassy]

The modern church tends to condemn porn......must be a new thing.

Well, they condemn modern porn, not their own church-sponsored stuff

 

[Indofred]

The modern church tends to condemn porn......must be a new thing.

Well, they condemn modern porn, not their own church-sponsored stuff

Michelangelo scribbled this before he snuffed it, but didn't get chance to stick it in any churches.

 

[Delta4Embassy]

Opps, strike that, they like modern porn too, only it isn't porn, it's erotica. Erm...

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