Did anyone else grow up in a dysfunctional and/or abusive household?

[evenifigoalone]

This probably really isn't the site for this, but..... whatever.

In my teen years my seemingly healthy family (as far as I knew at least) slowly turned into a living hell, and I became the scapegoat. I got blamed for so many of our problems, and while I was never physically struck or beaten, the damage was still done.
It took me so so long to even sort out what had happened, whether or not it counted as dysfunctional, whether it counted as emotional abuse. I've worked out some stuff in therapy.

Honestly, I thought I was over it. I actually still think I am, mostly..... but last year some stuff happened that effed up my mental health and is still affecting me a year later. And I'm kinda thinking the reason that is, is connected to my history of having been emotionally abused. Idk. I'll bring it up w/ my actual therapist in a couple weeks.

Functional households are over-rated.

They are highly under-rated.

I’m adopted. I grew up in a stable supportive environment. Most people would look at me today and consider me a success.

I’ve met the people who put me up for adoption. Nice people but It’s a giant shitshow. Volatility, alcoholism, multiple fathers, etc. My sister was a single mother at 15 then 18. My brother is a homeless crackhead.

No way I’m the person I am today raised in that environment. I owe everything to my parents.

Nah, what I mean is that you can strengthen yourself growing up with adversity as opposed to someone who was shielded and protected.

Or you can end up with psychological trauma and mental illness.....

I have generalized anxiety and social anxiety

Yes...

Just as you can if you come from a "functional" household.

All I was saying is that it isn't the worst thing in the world to make your kid stretch a bit while growing up instead of being

This probably really isn't the site for this, but..... whatever.

In my teen years my seemingly healthy family (as far as I knew at least) slowly turned into a living hell, and I became the scapegoat. I got blamed for so many of our problems, and while I was never physically struck or beaten, the damage was still done.
It took me so so long to even sort out what had happened, whether or not it counted as dysfunctional, whether it counted as emotional abuse. I've worked out some stuff in therapy.

Honestly, I thought I was over it. I actually still think I am, mostly..... but last year some stuff happened that effed up my mental health and is still affecting me a year later. And I'm kinda thinking the reason that is, is connected to my history of having been emotionally abused. Idk. I'll bring it up w/ my actual therapist in a couple weeks.

Functional households are over-rated.

They are highly under-rated.

I’m adopted. I grew up in a stable supportive environment. Most people would look at me today and consider me a success.

I’ve met the people who put me up for adoption. Nice people but It’s a giant shitshow. Volatility, alcoholism, multiple fathers, etc. My sister was a single mother at 15 then 18. My brother is a homeless crackhead.

No way I’m the person I am today raised in that environment. I owe everything to my parents.

Nah, what I mean is that you can strengthen yourself growing up with adversity as opposed to someone who was shielded and protected.

Yes, you can strengthen yourself as I did, but who needs this abuse because it interferes with the fun you should have when growing up.

I didn't say anything about abuse.

I was abused.
A dsyfunctional household is not a healthy one, it goes beyond enduring a little bit of hardship here and there.

 

[RodISHI]

miketx Sure glad you have a secure relationship with your wife. Family members attempted to run Rod off many times over the years. It got especially bad when I said that's it and quit the big money contracting but we likes one another a whole lot so I'm sure you can imagine where those who attempted shit are in our daily lives. It is their loss not ours and the same goes for you and your wife.

 

[candycorn]

This probably really isn't the site for this, but..... whatever.

In my teen years my seemingly healthy family (as far as I knew at least) slowly turned into a living hell, and I became the scapegoat. I got blamed for so many of our problems, and while I was never physically struck or beaten, the damage was still done.
It took me so so long to even sort out what had happened, whether or not it counted as dysfunctional, whether it counted as emotional abuse. I've worked out some stuff in therapy.

Honestly, I thought I was over it. I actually still think I am, mostly..... but last year some stuff happened that effed up my mental health and is still affecting me a year later. And I'm kinda thinking the reason that is, is connected to my history of having been emotionally abused. Idk. I'll bring it up w/ my actual therapist in a couple weeks.

Functional households are over-rated.

They are highly under-rated.

I’m adopted. I grew up in a stable supportive environment. Most people would look at me today and consider me a success.

I’ve met the people who put me up for adoption. Nice people but It’s a giant shitshow. Volatility, alcoholism, multiple fathers, etc. My sister was a single mother at 15 then 18. My brother is a homeless crackhead.

No way I’m the person I am today raised in that environment. I owe everything to my parents.

Nah, what I mean is that you can strengthen yourself growing up with adversity as opposed to someone who was shielded and protected.

Or you can end up with psychological trauma and mental illness.....

I have generalized anxiety and social anxiety

Yes...

Just as you can if you come from a "functional" household.

All I was saying is that it isn't the worst thing in the world to make your kid stretch a bit while growing up instead of being

This probably really isn't the site for this, but..... whatever.

In my teen years my seemingly healthy family (as far as I knew at least) slowly turned into a living hell, and I became the scapegoat. I got blamed for so many of our problems, and while I was never physically struck or beaten, the damage was still done.
It took me so so long to even sort out what had happened, whether or not it counted as dysfunctional, whether it counted as emotional abuse. I've worked out some stuff in therapy.

Honestly, I thought I was over it. I actually still think I am, mostly..... but last year some stuff happened that effed up my mental health and is still affecting me a year later. And I'm kinda thinking the reason that is, is connected to my history of having been emotionally abused. Idk. I'll bring it up w/ my actual therapist in a couple weeks.

Functional households are over-rated.

They are highly under-rated.

I’m adopted. I grew up in a stable supportive environment. Most people would look at me today and consider me a success.

I’ve met the people who put me up for adoption. Nice people but It’s a giant shitshow. Volatility, alcoholism, multiple fathers, etc. My sister was a single mother at 15 then 18. My brother is a homeless crackhead.

No way I’m the person I am today raised in that environment. I owe everything to my parents.

Nah, what I mean is that you can strengthen yourself growing up with adversity as opposed to someone who was shielded and protected.

Yes, you can strengthen yourself as I did, but who needs this abuse because it interferes with the fun you should have when growing up.

I didn't say anything about abuse.

I was abused.
A dsyfunctional household is not a healthy one, it goes beyond enduring a little bit of hardship here and there.

Sorry you were abused.

I have a difference of opinion than you. Glad you've strengthened yourself.

 

[RodISHI]

I was abused.
A dsyfunctional household is not a healthy one, it goes beyond enduring a little bit of hardship here and there.

"Was" should be key for you. If you get into a situation now as an adult walk away from it.

 

[Bobob]

This probably really isn't the site for this, but..... whatever.

In my teen years my seemingly healthy family (as far as I knew at least) slowly turned into a living hell, and I became the scapegoat. I got blamed for so many of our problems, and while I was never physically struck or beaten, the damage was still done.
It took me so so long to even sort out what had happened, whether or not it counted as dysfunctional, whether it counted as emotional abuse. I've worked out some stuff in therapy.

Honestly, I thought I was over it. I actually still think I am, mostly..... but last year some stuff happened that effed up my mental health and is still affecting me a year later. And I'm kinda thinking the reason that is, is connected to my history of having been emotionally abused. Idk. I'll bring it up w/ my actual therapist in a couple weeks.

Functional households are over-rated.

They are highly under-rated.

I’m adopted. I grew up in a stable supportive environment. Most people would look at me today and consider me a success.

I’ve met the people who put me up for adoption. Nice people but It’s a giant shitshow. Volatility, alcoholism, multiple fathers, etc. My sister was a single mother at 15 then 18. My brother is a homeless crackhead.

No way I’m the person I am today raised in that environment. I owe everything to my parents.

Nah, what I mean is that you can strengthen yourself growing up with adversity as opposed to someone who was shielded and protected.

Or you can end up with psychological trauma and mental illness.....

I have generalized anxiety and social anxiety

Yes...

Just as you can if you come from a "functional" household.

All I was saying is that it isn't the worst thing in the world to make your kid stretch a bit while growing up instead of being candled and not ready for the real world.

This probably really isn't the site for this, but..... whatever.

In my teen years my seemingly healthy family (as far as I knew at least) slowly turned into a living hell, and I became the scapegoat. I got blamed for so many of our problems, and while I was never physically struck or beaten, the damage was still done.
It took me so so long to even sort out what had happened, whether or not it counted as dysfunctional, whether it counted as emotional abuse. I've worked out some stuff in therapy.

Honestly, I thought I was over it. I actually still think I am, mostly..... but last year some stuff happened that effed up my mental health and is still affecting me a year later. And I'm kinda thinking the reason that is, is connected to my history of having been emotionally abused. Idk. I'll bring it up w/ my actual therapist in a couple weeks.

Functional households are over-rated.

They are highly under-rated.

I’m adopted. I grew up in a stable supportive environment. Most people would look at me today and consider me a success.

I’ve met the people who put me up for adoption. Nice people but It’s a giant shitshow. Volatility, alcoholism, multiple fathers, etc. My sister was a single mother at 15 then 18. My brother is a homeless crackhead.

No way I’m the person I am today raised in that environment. I owe everything to my parents.

Nah, what I mean is that you can strengthen yourself growing up with adversity as opposed to someone who was shielded and protected.

Yes, you can strengthen yourself as I did, but who needs this abuse because it interferes with the fun you should have when growing up.

I didn't say anything about abuse.

Abuse of sorts is most often affiliated with a dysfunctional household.

 

[marvin martian]

This probably really isn't the site for this, but..... whatever.

In my teen years my seemingly healthy family (as far as I knew at least) slowly turned into a living hell, and I became the scapegoat. I got blamed for so many of our problems, and while I was never physically struck or beaten, the damage was still done.
It took me so so long to even sort out what had happened, whether or not it counted as dysfunctional, whether it counted as emotional abuse. I've worked out some stuff in therapy.

Honestly, I thought I was over it. I actually still think I am, mostly..... but last year some stuff happened that effed up my mental health and is still affecting me a year later. And I'm kinda thinking the reason that is, is connected to my history of having been emotionally abused. Idk. I'll bring it up w/ my actual therapist in a couple weeks.

Most of us Gen X'ers were raised in a way that would today be described as abusive; i.e. we were punished/reprimanded for screwing up, disciplined, had expectations to live up to, were sometimes told "no" or rejected from things like sports teams or clubs, and sometimes had to do things we didn't want to do.

 

[evenifigoalone]

This probably really isn't the site for this, but..... whatever.

In my teen years my seemingly healthy family (as far as I knew at least) slowly turned into a living hell, and I became the scapegoat. I got blamed for so many of our problems, and while I was never physically struck or beaten, the damage was still done.
It took me so so long to even sort out what had happened, whether or not it counted as dysfunctional, whether it counted as emotional abuse. I've worked out some stuff in therapy.

Honestly, I thought I was over it. I actually still think I am, mostly..... but last year some stuff happened that effed up my mental health and is still affecting me a year later. And I'm kinda thinking the reason that is, is connected to my history of having been emotionally abused. Idk. I'll bring it up w/ my actual therapist in a couple weeks.

Most of us Gen X'ers were raised in a way that would today be described as abusive; i.e. we were punished/reprimanded for screwing up, disciplined, had expectations to live up to, were sometimes told "no" or rejected from things like sports teams or clubs, and sometimes had to do things we didn't want to do.

Trust me, psychologists and mental health professionals don't think what you describe is abusive. None I've spoken to at least.
As for me, try having been screamed at and ganged up on by half the family for literal hours having to hear what a bad person I was and how ugly my personality was so that my only escape was to feign falling asleep--and even then they didn't stop until they were satisfied. Most of the time I'd end up falling asleep for real. No matter what I did I was the bad guy of the family, and I was often blamed for my younger siblings'bad behavior. Said younger sibling could get away with murder, though. And somehow if he hit me it was my fault. If I defended myself and hit him back I'd have to endure another several hours long screaming session.

Now that me and sib are both adults, we don't hold grudges. Sib was a dumb kid and didn't know better. But my parents? They did.

 

[candycorn]

I'm not sure why everything has to be an argument on this board.

I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about. We have a nurse who works in the ICU. Makes good money. She's terrible with money management and lives way beyond her means. Why? Because Amber Lynn (not her name but she has a name very much like what you think of when you think of someone named Amber Lynn along with the upbringing and so on and so fourth--received a Mercedes as her graduation present) never had a family that had to sit down and plan out a budget, a parent whose employment was tenuous, or developed any sense of what it means to have to scratch and claw out an existence.

That is what I meant when I said having a functional household is over-rated. As General Powell put it one time (paraphrasing) when talking about some commanders he saw coming up the ranks out of college; "We have a core of professional hemophiliacs who bleed to death when they are nicked by reality".

Abuse is another matter.

 

[evenifigoalone]

Well, usually when someone says a family is dysfunctional, they mean there is unhealthy and often manipulative behavior going on, such as a severe lack of communication, a lack of healthy boundaries or privacy or general respect, or one or both parents are neglectful, or a severe lack of affection, etc.

 

[evenifigoalone]

I'm not sure why everything has to be an argument on this board.

For real.

 

[candycorn]

Well, usually when someone says a family is dysfunctional, they mean there is unhealthy and often manipulative behavior going on, such as a severe lack of communication, a lack of healthy boundaries or privacy or general respect, or one or both parents are neglectful, or a severe lack of affection, etc.

Just my 2 cents.

Like, for example, my Grandfather was the father figure in my life. Dad just wasn't interested--never came to my games or whatever. So whatever effect that had on me and not really caring about anyone who was watching...I think it strengthened me. I played with one player whose father would shout "advice" from the bleechers--came to every game--shouted constantly. My team-mate hated when he did that. Some would call that functional parenting. I probably would too. What was the effect? I don't think they were that close. Stage moms are the same way. I know probably a good half dozen friends who had moms that I'd call stage-moms . I do know that some of them are now astringed from their parents.

Which is why I say functional households are over-rated.

 

[evenifigoalone]

I just think we are talking about different things but using the same terms here. A dysfunctional home the way I mean it is almost always an abusive home (even if just emotionally abusive), if not abusive then neglectful in some major, life altering way.

 

[justinacolmena]

whether it counted as emotional abuse. I've worked out some stuff in therapy.

Therapy only counts as further abuse. Plus it goes on your permanent criminal record as a felony.

 

[evenifigoalone]

whether it counted as emotional abuse. I've worked out some stuff in therapy.

Therapy only counts as further abuse. Plus it goes on your permanent criminal record as a felony.

dafaq are you on about

 

[justinacolmena]

whether it counted as emotional abuse. I've worked out some stuff in therapy.

Therapy only counts as further abuse. Plus it goes on your permanent criminal record as a felony.

A permanent irrevocable FBI record as a criminally insane adjudicated mental defective or a person who has been committed to a mental institution entails a lifelong loss of gun rights as well as employment rights in any of a number of otherwise lucrative professions.

If you have any sort of mental health record, you've lost out on the big bucks in this life. It's a lifetime of lost wages in any high paid profession no matter what.

You will never have a position of responsibility or any supervisory role if your sanity or mental health has ever been questioned. It's a permanent black mark against your character.

 

[evenifigoalone]

whether it counted as emotional abuse. I've worked out some stuff in therapy.

Therapy only counts as further abuse. Plus it goes on your permanent criminal record as a felony.

A permanent irrevocable FBI record as a criminally insane adjudicated mental defective or a person who has been committed to a mental institution entails a lifelong loss of gun rights as well as employment rights in any of a number of otherwise lucrative professions.

If you have any sort of mental health record, you've lost out on the big bucks in this life. It's a lifetime of lost wages in any high paid profession no matter what.

You will never have a position of responsibility or any supervisory role if your sanity or mental health has ever been questioned. It's a permanent black mark against your character.

Good thing I was the one abused and not the one doing the abusing. Nor have I ever spent time in an inpatient mental health facility.
I also heavily doubt this applies to any and all mental health diagnoses, just major ones that have to do with crimes or that have resulted in altercations with the police. Actually, I have a supervisor at work who has multiple, severe mental health diagnoses, including multiple personalities. (So she's told me.)

So far as disclosing mental health issues, I do know that is risky. I waited until I had been at work for two years and had an excellent track record before I informed them of my anxiety and asked for workplace accomodations.

 

[justinacolmena]

Good thing I was the one abused and not the one doing the abusing

That is immaterial. The only thing that matters there is whether you are male (the abuser) or female (the victim).

Nor have I ever spent time in an inpatient mental health facility

It's a mental health pick-up. Your rights are automatically revoked for the rest of your life the first time you see a provider. There is no defense, no recourse, and no appeal. Never forget, you are MENTALLY ILL. You aren't allowed to represent yourself in court or have the Assistance of Counsel for your defense.

 

[evenifigoalone]

That is immaterial. The only thing that matters there is whether you are male (the abuser) or female (the victim).

My abuser was a woman. I am a woman.

It's a mental health pick-up. Your rights are automatically revoked for the rest of your life the first time you see a provider. There is no defense, no recourse, and no appeal. Never forget, you are MENTALLY ILL. You aren't allowed to represent yourself in court or have the Assistance of Counsel for your defense.

Citation pls.

Also, while I'm not a supervisor, I have helped to train new employees multiple times, even after I disclosed my anxiety issues to the store owner and then my boss. Based on that it seems it's up to the discretion of the employer as to how any knowledge of mental illness might affect the employee's role. I'm not an expert on these, and I know that mental health discrimination is real, but it does seem like you're making it sound worse than it actually is at least, and I do doubt much of what you are saying.

 

[evenifigoalone]

Good thing I was the one abused and not the one doing the abusing

That is immaterial. The only thing that matters there is whether you are male (the abuser) or female (the victim).

Nor have I ever spent time in an inpatient mental health facility

It's a mental health pick-up. Your rights are automatically revoked for the rest of your life the first time you see a provider. There is no defense, no recourse, and no appeal. Never forget, you are MENTALLY ILL. You aren't allowed to represent yourself in court or have the Assistance of Counsel for your defense.

I'm gonna go ahead and ask a friend of mine who has a degree in psychology about this, too.

 

[justinacolmena]

My abuser was a woman. I am a woman.

It's tough luck to get any sympathy from a dude for that.

up to the discretion of the employer as to how any knowledge of mental illness might affect the employee's role. I'm not an expert on these, and I know that mental health discrimination is real,

Just stay pregnant, barefoot, in the kitchen, obey your mentally healthy husband, and you won't have any of these problems.

Shit or get off the pot at that damned psych clinic. You're mentally ill and it's time for performance reviews at work, you aren't exactly in line for promotion at any normal kind of job like everybody else.