Current Events 101

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Adam's Apple, Mar 21, 2005.

  1. Adam's Apple

    Adam's Apple Senior Member

    Apr 25, 2004
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    Current Events 101 Quiz
    By Dave Weinbaum
    March 21, 2005

    Grading Scale: 0-1 -Wrong-Outstanding-Volunteer worker for local dogcatcher. 2-3- Wrong-Excellent-Time to run for Congress. 4-5-Wrong-Good-Senatorial shoe-in. 6-7-Wrong- Fair-Cabinet level must, or Supreme Court Appointee 8 & Above-Wrong-Is it Madam or Mr. President?

    1. Ex-President Clinton recently spent a night sleeping on the floor of a plane because…
    A. Hillary kicked him out of bed…again.
    B. He was looking for his legacy.
    C. He decided to let 80-year-old Ex-President Bush have the bed in desperate attempt to get him to endorse Hillary for President in 2008.
    D. Bush Senior kicked him out of bed because of cold feet, as in his feeble attempts to nail Bin Ladin.
    E. All of above.

    2. Rumor has it that Michael Moore's new gig will be…
    A. Taste tester at IHOP.
    B. Kirstie Alley's love interest in her new series "Fat Actress".
    C. Bathing suit model for Speedo.
    D. UN envoy to monitor Oil-For-Food Program.
    E. Before model for Weight Watchers.

    3. A Supreme Court Judge's job consists of…
    A. A lifetime of cheap Mexican lunches in less than Supreme cafeteria.
    B. Showing the American people that all other branches of government are unnecessary.
    C. Knowing you can show up naked under your robes and you won't be fired.
    D. More power than the Pope and a lifetime to exercise it.
    E. None of Above
    F. All of above.

    4. President Bush will ____________________when he retires in 2008.
    A. Collect on his Social Security…until it runs out in the fall of 2009.
    B. Become a drug councilor for Major League Baseball.
    C. Become a drug supplier for Major League Baseball.
    D. Teach speech therapy at the Einstein Institute of Nuckleeur Technology.
    E. Lobbyist for MENSA.

    5. Osama's latest inter-cave memo says…
    A. I'm more frustrated than Kofi Annan without a payoff.
    B. I wonder if the Koran has an Early Virgin Plan.
    C. How come Domino's won't deliver here?
    D. Has anyone found the remote?
    E. My favorite Koran story is Burning Bush.

    6. Ward Churchill's next job will be…
    A. Don Imus body double.
    B. Producer-The O'Reilly Factor.
    C. Opening act for Jackie Mason.
    D. President of Harvard.
    E. Coeditor Jewish World Review.

    7. The newest addition to Webster's Dictionary is…
    A. Wedgie
    B. Nuckleeur
    C. Demopurple
    D. Bushspeak
    E. Chiracked

    8. Michael Jackson is on trial for…
    A. Bartender without a license.
    B. Charges relating to pedophilia.
    C. Have you heard his latest album?
    D. Can't pay his plastic surgeons.
    E. All of the above.

    9. The Baseball/Steroid Congressional Hearings will result in…
    A. Major League's lowest home run total since 1907.
    B. Bobble head dolls too weak to bobble.
    C. A combined lawsuit by Bonds, McGwire, and Sosa to stop the * from stalking their names.
    D. Jose Canseco? Witness Protection Program
    E. All of the Above.

    10. Martha Stewart went to jail because…
    A. Quiche Collapse!
    B. She heard prison facials were much cheaper than on the outside.
    C. Bubbarina promised as roommate.
    D. She lied to the FBI…who lied to her.
    E. She lied about sex.

    How'd you do? If you didn't do well, don't worry. I got four wrong and I made up the test! I was more frustrated than a tailor trying to fit John Kerry for command! Oh well, Senator Weinbaum doesn't sound all THAT bad!

    Answers: 1. C 2. B. 3. F. 4. E. 5. E. 6. A. 7. A. 8. B. 9. C. 10. D

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