- Sep 22, 2013
- 4,956
- 250
- 85
This American infrastructure-patriotic parable inspired by the institution-evaluative TV-show Campus Eats is dedicated to TrumpUSA, which I want to feel better about (as a voting consumer!).
Cheers (signing off),
====
"Shipwreck was an affable and patriotic Navy sailor of the secret/covert U.S. paramilitary crusader unit known as 'G.I. Joes.' Shipwreck always carried his buddy-parrot Miles with him on his journeys and adventures. This time, Miles accompanied Shipwreck on a special national tour of college campus cafeterias. Shipwreck was compiling an American institutional report on the quality of school eateries as a reflection of the sociocultural efficacy of the FDA (Food and Drug Administration)."
"Shipwreck traveled first to the campuses of Purdue, Harvard, and Duke (all East Coast schools in America) and looked at the quality and variety of foods at the campus eateries (cafeterias and area restaurants). He measured the students' satisfaction with the taste and nutritional value of the foods served/offered/sold. Shipwreck then used these evaluations to consider the role of the FDA in disseminating social ideas regarding the richness of foods in American institutions."
"Shipwreck completed his entire research in one year and submitted his final report to G.I. Joe commander Duke who congratulated him for a thoroughly-completed sociocultural mission. Duke informed Shipwreck that the findings in his valuable campus eatery research would be used by the government to analyze sociocultural traffic patterns regarding American hygiene and bounty that anti-American terrorists might use to 'dissect' American pedestrian patterns. The report would also be used to determine the modern prestige of the FDA. Shipwreck felt honored."
"A terrorist tycoon in Saudi Arabia named Kingpin was allied to ISIS and feeding the fundamentalist-terrorist group information regarding American pedestrian traffic patterns. ISIS was planning a terrorist-attack campaign on various American college/university campuses during January 2019 (after the New Year's). Kingpin was a German-American who emigrated to Saudi Arabia to establish lucrative profit-networks in the black market to provide information/resources to terrorists. Kingpin wanted to undermine the very same pedestrian sanity and sanitation that Shipwreck's cross-section FDA report was designed to magnify. This was modern geopolitical intrigue."
SHIPWRECK: That was an 'unusual' assignment, Commander Duke!
DUKE: It was commissioned by the White House for the G.I. Joes.
SHIPWRECK: And you felt that I was the best sailor for the job?
DUKE: Yes; you and Miles remind all us G.I. Joes of 'affable patriotism.'
SHIPWRECK: Haha, well I think 'affable patriotism' is precisely what terrorists hate.
DUKE: On 9/11, cell-phones in NY lost their signals; theories were it was a terrorist-sideshow.
SHIPWRECK: Terrorists disrupted pedestrian activity on 9/11 to create more confusion!
DUKE: That's the intriguing theory...
SHIPWRECK: Well, I'm satisfied my FDA institution report will offer insights.
DUKE: Yes, we can gather interesting insights into pedestrian biases/preferences.
SHIPWRECK: We want to know about our demographics/sociology before terrorists!
DUKE: That's right...
SHIPWRECK: Besides, such a report is good for 'American prestige' and society dollars!
DUKE: It sure is; this will help American pride towards McDonald's values.
SHIPWRECK: No one vends better street-food/fast-food than America.
DUKE: Terrorists destroyed the World Trade Center on 9/11; we have to rebuild 'labyrinths.'
SHIPWRECK: That requires focus on values and funds, right, Commander Duke?
DUKE: That's precisely right.
SHIPWRECK: We don't want critics of America to say, "Food promotes the 7 Deadly Sins."
DUKE: 7 - Sloth, Wrath, Pride, Gluttony, Envy, Greed, Lust; to inspire, we curb cynicism!
====
Cheers (signing off),
====
"Shipwreck was an affable and patriotic Navy sailor of the secret/covert U.S. paramilitary crusader unit known as 'G.I. Joes.' Shipwreck always carried his buddy-parrot Miles with him on his journeys and adventures. This time, Miles accompanied Shipwreck on a special national tour of college campus cafeterias. Shipwreck was compiling an American institutional report on the quality of school eateries as a reflection of the sociocultural efficacy of the FDA (Food and Drug Administration)."
"Shipwreck traveled first to the campuses of Purdue, Harvard, and Duke (all East Coast schools in America) and looked at the quality and variety of foods at the campus eateries (cafeterias and area restaurants). He measured the students' satisfaction with the taste and nutritional value of the foods served/offered/sold. Shipwreck then used these evaluations to consider the role of the FDA in disseminating social ideas regarding the richness of foods in American institutions."
"Shipwreck completed his entire research in one year and submitted his final report to G.I. Joe commander Duke who congratulated him for a thoroughly-completed sociocultural mission. Duke informed Shipwreck that the findings in his valuable campus eatery research would be used by the government to analyze sociocultural traffic patterns regarding American hygiene and bounty that anti-American terrorists might use to 'dissect' American pedestrian patterns. The report would also be used to determine the modern prestige of the FDA. Shipwreck felt honored."
"A terrorist tycoon in Saudi Arabia named Kingpin was allied to ISIS and feeding the fundamentalist-terrorist group information regarding American pedestrian traffic patterns. ISIS was planning a terrorist-attack campaign on various American college/university campuses during January 2019 (after the New Year's). Kingpin was a German-American who emigrated to Saudi Arabia to establish lucrative profit-networks in the black market to provide information/resources to terrorists. Kingpin wanted to undermine the very same pedestrian sanity and sanitation that Shipwreck's cross-section FDA report was designed to magnify. This was modern geopolitical intrigue."
SHIPWRECK: That was an 'unusual' assignment, Commander Duke!
DUKE: It was commissioned by the White House for the G.I. Joes.
SHIPWRECK: And you felt that I was the best sailor for the job?
DUKE: Yes; you and Miles remind all us G.I. Joes of 'affable patriotism.'
SHIPWRECK: Haha, well I think 'affable patriotism' is precisely what terrorists hate.
DUKE: On 9/11, cell-phones in NY lost their signals; theories were it was a terrorist-sideshow.
SHIPWRECK: Terrorists disrupted pedestrian activity on 9/11 to create more confusion!
DUKE: That's the intriguing theory...
SHIPWRECK: Well, I'm satisfied my FDA institution report will offer insights.
DUKE: Yes, we can gather interesting insights into pedestrian biases/preferences.
SHIPWRECK: We want to know about our demographics/sociology before terrorists!
DUKE: That's right...
SHIPWRECK: Besides, such a report is good for 'American prestige' and society dollars!
DUKE: It sure is; this will help American pride towards McDonald's values.
SHIPWRECK: No one vends better street-food/fast-food than America.
DUKE: Terrorists destroyed the World Trade Center on 9/11; we have to rebuild 'labyrinths.'
SHIPWRECK: That requires focus on values and funds, right, Commander Duke?
DUKE: That's precisely right.
SHIPWRECK: We don't want critics of America to say, "Food promotes the 7 Deadly Sins."
DUKE: 7 - Sloth, Wrath, Pride, Gluttony, Envy, Greed, Lust; to inspire, we curb cynicism!
====
