Bible sales

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Angel Heart, Aug 24, 2008.

  1. Angel Heart
    Offline

    Angel Heart Conservative Hippie

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2007
    Messages:
    2,057
    Thanks Received:
    341
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    Portland, Oregon
    Ratings:
    +341
    A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious
    financial troubles.

    While checking the church storeroom, he discovered
    several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.



    So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
    congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for
    $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.



    Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.



    The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and
    were likely capable of selling some Bibles.

    But he had serious doubts
    about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself
    because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

    Poor Louis
    stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.



    He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked
    with Bibles.

    He asked them to meet with him and report the results of
    their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.



    Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
    asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last
    week?"

    Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales
    prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected
    on behalf of the church.

    "

    "Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand.

    "You
    are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.

    "

    Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the Church
    last week?"

    Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a
    professional salesman.

    I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and
    here's $280 I collected.

    "

    The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul.

    You are
    truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.

    "

    Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did
    you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the
    minister a large envelope.



    The minister opened it and counted the contents.

    "What is this?"
    the minister exclaimed.

    "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you
    suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in
    just one week?"

    Louie just nodded.

    That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in
    unison.

    "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10
    times as many Bibles as we could.

    "

    "Yes, this does seem unlikely," said the minister who didn't want to appear to be a greed.

    "I think you'd
    better explain how you managed to
    accomplish this, Louie.

    "

    Louie sh rugged.

    "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f -for
    sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.



    Impatiently, Peter interrupted.

    "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
    us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

    "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would
    y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible
    F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
    j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and
    r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
     
    • Thank You! Thank You! x 2
  2. editec
    Offline

    editec Mr. Forgot-it-All

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2008
    Messages:
    41,427
    Thanks Received:
    5,598
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    Maine
    Ratings:
    +5,617
    I don't g-ge-ge-ge-get it.
     
  3. Mr. President
    Offline

    Mr. President BOARD PRESIDENT..carry on

    Joined:
    Aug 22, 2008
    Messages:
    1,423
    Thanks Received:
    272
    Trophy Points:
    98
    Ratings:
    +290
    that is great
     
  4. sealybobo
    Offline

    sealybobo Diamond Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2008
    Messages:
    50,648
    Thanks Received:
    3,197
    Trophy Points:
    1,845
    Location:
    Michigan
    Ratings:
    +10,185
    Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!



    But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!
     
  5. Mr. President
    Offline

    Mr. President BOARD PRESIDENT..carry on

    Joined:
    Aug 22, 2008
    Messages:
    1,423
    Thanks Received:
    272
    Trophy Points:
    98
    Ratings:
    +290
    Are you serious a joke can not even be told without you going on some anti religious rant. You have issues that need resolved maybe a pyschiatrist and psychologist can get together and help you conquer your fear of religion
     
  6. sealybobo
    Offline

    sealybobo Diamond Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2008
    Messages:
    50,648
    Thanks Received:
    3,197
    Trophy Points:
    1,845
    Location:
    Michigan
    Ratings:
    +10,185
    But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is f’ED up.



    Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.



    No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.



    So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on.



    And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.



    Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite.



    I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.



    But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to SCREW that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?



    Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan?



    And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the HECK bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.



    So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.



    For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.



    So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.



    And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was.



    In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!
     
  7. Mr. President
    Offline

    Mr. President BOARD PRESIDENT..carry on

    Joined:
    Aug 22, 2008
    Messages:
    1,423
    Thanks Received:
    272
    Trophy Points:
    98
    Ratings:
    +290
    I read it because im not unreasonable yet my first point stands; you need help.
     
    • Thank You! Thank You! x 1
  8. mschao
    Offline

    mschao Rookie

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2008
    Messages:
    7
    Thanks Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Location:
    Florida, USA
    Ratings:
    +0
    far to be good rather
     
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2008
  9. AllieBaba
    Offline

    AllieBaba BANNED

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2007
    Messages:
    33,778
    Thanks Received:
    3,648
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Ratings:
    +3,650
    You're an idiot.

    You didn't try to believe in God. You tried to create a God of your own desire and force him to conform to your concept. Instead of seeking, which is what you have to do to find him.
     
  10. Jon
    Offline

    Jon The CPA

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2008
    Messages:
    8,101
    Thanks Received:
    1,276
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    Fayetteville, AR
    Ratings:
    +1,281
    ...he just copied and pasted a George Carlin standup. I can't believe you guys thought bobo could be that articulate.
     

Share This Page