Anything Goes Humor

[Bonzi]

 

[williepete]

A guy goes into a Canadian Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points
toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your
country's service!

Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at
the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you
right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first
two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

 

[Bonzi]

 

[Auld Phart]

 

[Auld Phart]

 

[Bonzi]

 

[Wyld Kard]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

 

[Auld Phart]

 

[Auld Phart]

 

[Bonzi]

 

[Bonzi]

 

[williepete]

SCOTTISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?' The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'

 

[Auld Phart]

 

[Auld Phart]

 

[Auld Phart]

 

[Auld Phart]

 

[Auld Phart]

 

[Wyld Kard]

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well, I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."

The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning." The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.

When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!" "Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

 

[Auld Phart]

 

[Auld Phart]