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Unearthed Ancient Sculpture Gives Insight Into How Much Ancient People Sucked At Art
History·Jun 5, 2025 · BabylonBee.comMOSUL — A 5,600-year-old sculpture recently uncovered by archeologists has given art critics and researchers great insight into how much ancient people sucked at art.
Researchers have not yet discovered what the misshapen, deformed, ugly statue is meant to portray. Scholarly opinion is unanimous, however, in declaring the work a prime example of how much the ancients failed at basic, easy art that even a child should be able to do.
"In this piece, we can see the fine motor skills of a pre-schooler, or maybe a newborn infant with tourettes," said Clara Angithorn, a professor of art at Oxford. "Our best bet is that some Egyptian kid made this in art class and his parents didn't want to hurt his feelings by throwing it away. Whoever made this really, really sucked at art. It would be a bit laughable, honestly, if it weren't so sad."
"Please take it away. I can't even look at it anymore, it sucks so bad."
Critics unanimously cite the sculpture's poor proportions, limited details, and total lack of artistic skill as features that display how bad the ancients were at making art.
"This makes Jackson Pollock look like Leonardo Da Vinci," commented another art historian. Even Salvador Dali was better at making art than whoever made this useless lump."
The statue has been filed away along with cave paintings, funeral masks, and other pieces of pitiful ancient rubbish.
At publishing time, the work had sold for $34.2 million at auction, making it almost as pricey as a local modern art piece that featured a rotten pomegranate thrown into a bag of old coffee grounds and stapled to the wall.
