The short ones are often the best

[Bootneck]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up and says, "Blow me I know this face but I can’t put a name to it."
The second picks it up and says, "You daft bastard it's me!"

Two men are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down and throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!"

 

[White 6]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up and says, "Blow me I know this face but I can’t put a name to it."
The second picks it up and says, "You daft bastard it's me!"

Two men are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down and throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!"

Dad jokes. The first one was the best!

 

[Woodznutz]

Paddy was deathly sick and was sequestered in a small room in the attic. His friends came to cheer him up, bringing a substantial amount of whiskey as well. When all were sufficiently drunk they began to leave with encouraging words for Paddy.

"Paddy me boy, yool be up and aroond in noo time."
"We'll see ya doon at the pub real soon."

As the last one left he hit his head on the low door frame and muttered,
"Thay'll naver git the caffin through the door."

 

[Bootneck]

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

 

[Bootneck]

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

 

[Woodznutz]

A Brit and German veteran met by chance in a bar. As they imbibed the German began to complain. "I don't understand. We prayed fervently to God for victory, yet we lost." The Brit answered as sympathetically as he could, "Oh my, God doesn't understand German."

 

[Bootneck]

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

 

[Bootneck]

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind.

To compensate for this, Crimewatch is now being shown 5 times a week.

 

[Bootneck]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Piss off, you won't bring it back."

A guy says to his wife "do you fancy a quickie"?
she said " instead of what".

Just heard on the radio a guy has been admitted to hospital
with 6 toy horses stuck up his ass. Medical staff describe his condition as stable.

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat!