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How to cook a fucking turkey:
Go to the goddamn grocery and get the fucking bird. Yes, the grocery. A little ammonia is not going to kill you, you pussy. You want to be all fancy and grain-fed and environmentally conscious, go ahead, I donāt give a shit, just get a fucking bird. Butterball is good. And, yes, thermometer in. Schmuck. Take the bird home. Get a bigass roasting pan and put the shit in the oven, cranking the heat up as far as that fucker will go but not for long, idiot. Take a shitload of saltārocksalt, you dumb motherfucker, none of that fine-grained crap hereāand toss it around the bottom of the pan and in the asshole of the bird, asshole. When the pan is hot as all fuckāit should scorch the shit out of your finger if youāre stupid enough to touch itāput the fucking bird in there. You can crack some pepper on the top of the bird, but donāt even talk to me about garlic or onion powder or COMPOUND FUCKING BUTTER, asshole. This is a turkey, all you fucking need is salt and pepper. After a bit, flip some foil over or some such shit and sit on your ass and wait for your motherfucking bird to be ready, you useless assbag. When youāre done, sling that shit on a plate. Also, make some fucking potatoes, because thatās what you eat with a fucking turkey. God, sometimes I just want to smack the shit out of you.
We're having gruel with stale bread.