Rodney Dangerfield Jokes

I was an ugly kid…

Whenever my father wanted to have sex, my mother would show him my picture
 
I don’t know about my wife

Last night I fell asleep with a cigarette in my mouth….
She lit it
 
I was an ugly kid…

Whenever my father wanted to have sex, my mother would show him my picture
The one ugly kid joke I always remember is the one in which he says "I was an ugly kid, my dad would keep the free baby photo that came with the wallet". The first time I heard it I just bawled with laughter
 
Two drunks are walking down the street and they see a dog lying on the side of the road licking himself.

One drunks says…..Damn, I wish I could do that

The other guy says…..Why don’t you pet him, maybe he’ll let ya
 
“I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, ‘Wait til it gets warmer.’”
 
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
 
I told my wife she was bad in bed. She went out and got a second opinion.
 
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