Political jokes

[Ringo]

The president calls his mother after the election:
“Mom, I won the election!”
“No way! Honest?”
“Mom, at least you don't tease me...”

Politicians don't promise that you will live well.
They promise that you will live even better.

The people made such a fuss about rising food prices that officials raised their own salaries again.

Do you remember?
The future is coming—the 21st century! And then we will decide what is better: antigravity or teleportation, warp drive or photon drive?
The 20th century is over, and the 21st is here. And now we are deciding how jihad differs from hijab, niqab from kebab...

 

[White 6]

The president calls his mother after the election:
“Mom, I won the election!”
“No way! Honest?”
“Mom, at least you don't tease me...”

Politicians don't promise that you will live well.
They promise that you will live even better.

The people made such a fuss about rising food prices that officials raised their own salaries again.

Do you remember?
The future is coming—the 21st century! And then we will decide what is better: antigravity or teleportation, warp drive or photon drive?
The 20th century is over, and the 21st is here. And now we are deciding how jihad differs from hijab, niqab from kebab...

I prefer kebabs.

 

[Votto]

"And by the way, you know, I sit on the stand, and it's getting hot, I've got hairy legs that turn — that — that — that turn — um, blonde in the sun. And the kids used to come up and reach in the pool and rub my leg down so it was straight and watch the hair come back up again. They'd look at it. So, I learned about roaches, I learned about kids jumping on my lap, and I've loved kids jumping on my lap."

 

[lg325]

A real incident that happened with Hubert Humphery. He was having a press meeting his wife and Mother in-law was off to the side he noticed the press was staring at the expression of his mother in-law. He smiled and said '' You know behind every successful man is a proud wife and a very surprised mother in-law.''

 

[Votto]

“I don’t know what’s wrong with you young people, you think you just fell out of a coconut tree,” Harris said midway through — breaking into a wild cackle. “You exist in the context of all in which you live and what you came before you.”

 

[Votto]

 

[Votto]

 

[lg325]

For Foster Brooks it was an act, unfortunately so many politicians in recent years it is their natural state.
A good bit of comedy by Brooks roasting Hubert Humphery. The reaction to it by the video host is funny as well.

 

[lg325]

Political jokes about Congress​

1. The opposite of “pro” is “con,” so the opposite of progress is … Congress.
2. Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: Two—one to change the bulb and one to change it back again.
3. The secret to making Congress more efficient is to replace all the people with horses. Sure, every vote would end in “neighs,” but hay, at least the housing market would be stable.
4. Q: What’s the difference between death and taxes?
   A: Congress doesn’t meet every year to make death worse.
5. Republicans and Democrats came together in Congress to allow medicinal marijuana for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. So, there is joint support for joints for joint support.
6. Man: Two years ago, my brother ran for Congress.
   Friend: What does he do now?
   Man: Nothing—he got elected!
7. A robber held up a well-dressed man, pointing his gun and yelling, “Give me all your money!” The man replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m a U.S. congressman!” The robber retorted, “In that case, give me all my money!”
8. Q: Why can’t Congress ever be vegan?
   A: Because all the turkeys playing chicken in a beef over pork is pretty fishy.
9. Q: What did the corrupt congressman order on Election Day?
   A: Stuffed ballots.
10. Q: What do you call a bad lawyer?
    A: Senator.

 

[Votto]

For the record, I don't approve of any political jokes because I've seen too many get elected.

 

[Votto]

 

[Manonthestreet]

 

[Ringo]

Family problems.

"When I was a child, my father was unfaithful and did not love my family. Later, my parents divorced. Soon after, my mother died in a car accident. My brother and I could only live in my grandmother's old house. My grandmother's sister was an alcoholic. The whole family lived on my grandmother's savings. My grandmother recently passed away.
My uncle Andy is barely keeping himself out of jail day after day. My brother left home and no longer talks to us. My dad, who is now 73, had to go to work to support the family.
Now dad wears my grandmother's sweaters and beads. And eventually he'll want me to do the same.
Sincerely, Prince William."

 

[Ringo]

The rabbi of Mukachevo died. He arrived in the afterlife, where they filled out a questionnaire about him.
“In which country were you born?”
“In Austria-Hungary.”
“In which country did you have your bar mitzvah?” (a coming-of-age ceremony for boys; for girls it is called a “bat mitzvah”).
“In Czechoslovakia.”
“In which country did you begin your service as a rabbi?”
“In Hungary.”
“In which country did you get married?”
“In Germany.”
“In which country was your first child born?”
“In the USSR.”
"In which country did you die?
"In Ukraine.
"Well, life has taken you all over the world...
"What are you talking about? I've lived in the same city my whole life!

 

[Ringo]

A European walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “That'll be 50 euros!” The European is shocked—how can it be 50 euros when yesterday it was only 10?!!
“Well, today it's 50 euros.”
“Why 50, damn it?”
“Let me explain: 10 euros is for the beer itself;
10 is for strengthening the EU's defenses;
10 is to help Ukraine;
10 is to help European countries that want to become EU members;
and 10 is for gas subsidies for the EU.”

The European silently takes out 50 euros and gives them to the bartender. The bartender takes it, puts it in the cash register, and gives him 10 euros back. The European is puzzled:
“Wait, you said 50 — I gave you 50. Why are you giving me 10 euros back?”
“WE'RE OUT OF BEER!!!”