Parent-Child Conversations, a Generation Later

[DGS49]

I had a strange exchange of emails with my son (43) recently.

Several conversations were mentioned, and I learned that HIS recollection was completely different from MY recollection, with dramatically different results.

Specifically, when he was a "rising" Senior in HS we made several trips to different colleges (we viewed them as little fun excursions). We parents favored Univ of Delaware, Grove City College, and a few others. He is an only child, and money was no object; we told him that. He announced that he wanted to go to Ohio State. My response was that I didn't want to pay out-of-state tuition for him to go to a state school, and if he was OK with a large State school he could go to the University of Pittsburgh (near home), just as I did. He went to Pitt.

What he heard was, "We want you to go to a local school so you MUST go to Pitt." He went to Pitt, insisting on living on campus - which was fine with us.

I was stunned. He could have gone anyplace he wanted, I just thought it would be a waste of money to go to a state college and pay "private school" tuition.

He went to California a few years after college (he is a Journalist), and he was struggling to "get by" on his modest salary. (We could have given him a stipend, but it didn't occur to us to do that). In conversations about his living arrangements, my wife "kidded" him about living in squalor in San Francisco and told him that life would be easier if he were closer to home. What he heard was, "You need to move back to Pittsburgh!" He moved back to Pittsburgh.

Again, neither my wife nor I would have objected to his remaining in California, if he thought he could have a better life there. Now, he says he fucked up by moving back, and it was our doing.

There was more, but I won't go into it. The bottom line is that he took many of our comments as demands, when that is not what was intended. Many of these remarks impacted his life in major ways, all (possibly) due to misunderstandings.

I suspect that I'm not the only one who has had conversations with children that impacted their lives, perhaps unwittingly. It is more than a little bit disturbing. I'm in the position now of being inclined to say, "You should have told me to go pound salt." Which was true. But that would be self-serving, wouldn't it

 

[Winston]

I just thought it would be a waste of money to go to a state college and pay "private school" tuition.

When did "public", in front of university or school, suddenly condemn that institution? I mean I got to tell you, overall, THE Ohio State beats the hell out of Pitt. But I will keep that quiet, there is a huge contingent of alumni from both schools around here. But the thing is, you don't pick a school on cost, you pick it based on anticipated return on investment and field of study. That should be part of the undergraduate selection process and it damn better be when it comes to graduate school.

I mean want to make the big money? Anesthesiology, those dogs make the big money. Damn right, out of state tuition at Pitt would be worth every single penny. In fact, Pitt ranks in the top ten in several health care areas. My son visited THE Ohio State as he was selecting a graduate program. Sure, cost was a factor. But there is only one place I know of that you can get a Phd in Wielding Science, Ohio State. He stayed, in state, Material Science, at NCSU. The program is among the top five in the country. And, on a side note, he has a standing offer for a tenured position at Ohio State. But his wife is adamant, no way she is living in Ohio.

I could not be more proud of him. At 30, I know of no one that has reached his level of success. And while you think about you said to your son, I think about what my son said to me, at 20. I wish I had that wisdom at 20. He told me, all you got to do is find something, and be good at it, like best in the world. Anything, even the tiniest thing. Be best in the world, well you can sit around and do nothing until, well someone needs the best in the world, and they pay, top dollar.

And damn if that is not exactly what he did. "Creep"--yeah, he became one of the world's leading experts on "Creep". Talk about watching paint dry. And in the process, he built one of the world's largest testing facilities for "Creep". He has branched out, now it is Additive Materials Manufacturing.

I am sorry about your son. It appears he is lashing out. But your instincts are right, his actions are his responsibility. In the end, that is the only lesson we really have to teach our children. Take responsibility for your actions. That son, that I am so proud of, well he was preceded by three sisters, and to say they were a handful would be an under statement. They were legendary.