Captain Creeper
Diamond Member
- Oct 13, 2025
- 2,317
- 2,732
- 1,903
I met my friend, Old Dick, down at the Waffle House this morning for coffee and grits. Today is the day we go to the gun range, then lay wreaths on the graves of soldiers at the U.S. Veterans Cemetery. Boy, was I in for a surprise!
When I arrived I found Old Dick mounted on a stool at the counter. We engaged in some small talk about the weather, mainly about the upcoming ice storm. Then, Old Dick told me how he hurt his head in his attic. “I just put the tip of my head through the hole, then BAM!! The door fell and whacked me off the ladder and dropped my whole load on the floor! Now my head is swollen and purple!!”, he said.
I steered the conversation toward the gun range. But Old Dick said he had other plans. He said, “I is gonna drive to town and join that thar ICE protest!” I was dumbfounded! I replied, “Old Dick!!! What in the world?!? Why would you do THAT?!?”
Old Dick explained, “I hate that shit!! That crap is ruining the lives of good folks! I want to help put a stop to it!”
I was shocked. After some tense back and forth, I agreed to go with Old Dick. I figured I should go in order to protect him, as I don’t think he really knew what he was getting into there.
We finished our grits and headed to town. When we arrived, it was exactly like what you see on tv. There were green haired freaks, fat ugly chicks, and smelly troublemakers. I mean, ****! Only a sick ************ would oppose law enforcement engaging in its lawful duties. There is nothing wrong with it. They have a legal DUTY to enforce the law. The only logical explanation for this horse shit is that these agitating protesting scum is ANTI-law and order. That is fucked up!!
The first thing Old Dick did was to walk up to a 350lb behemoth of a woman with purple hair and say, “Howdy doody thar, young lass! My, ain’t it a purty day today?!?” The woman looked taken aback. Clearly, she had never dealt with Old Dick. The skank then hit Old Dick over his already swollen head with her “Kill Fascists and Their Children” protest sign.
“OUCHY-WOW-WOW!!”, cried Old Dick. I determined that this was not the place to be wearing my “Communists Are Not Human Beings Like Me or You” tee shirt, so I zipped up my coat. But it was too late. The ugly ***** had caught a glimpse of my shirt. She started screaming “JACKET OFF!! JACKET OFF!! JACKET OFF!!!” The crowd then joined in and started chanting too. We were in a real predicament here.
But Old Dick was on the case!! Sensing danger, Old Dick quickly whipped out the HK SMG he carries under his coat and started spraying crowd! “Tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat!!!” came the report from Dick’s SMG. Some went down immediately, as others dived for cover or ran.
Old Dick was throwing a second mag in when I spotted the ICE agents charging us!! I thought, “Holy shit!! They are going to try to get their hands on Old Dick!!” I told Old Dick to stop spraying those communist pigs, but he could not hear me. He was singing John Lennon’s “Imagine” as he mowed down the vermin.
The ICE agents were on us in a second. But then, something completely unexpected happened. The ICE agents were not rushing us to grab Old Dick and jerk him around. Instead, they rushed over to congratulate Old Dick for his righteous act. They were all smiles and laughs, patting Old Dick on his back and shaking his hand.
I looked out on the carnage. It gruesome. I was a bit confused. I asked one of the ICE agents, “Uh… What about all THAT”, as I pointed toward the pile of bodies. He replied, “Oh, don’t worry about those commie bastard anarchists. They were just protesting by committing a mass suicide.” The rest of the agents, and Old Dick, laughed at this comment. I then started laughing too!
On the drive home, Old Dick and I were talking about how much fun we had at the “protest”. Then, Old Dick said, “Damn!! I sure wish we found the ICE protest!”
This floored me. Did Old Dick have a stroke?!? Did his banged up head cause him confusion? I was now growing gravely concerned for Old Dick.
Then, Old Dick said, “Yessir! That damn ice!! It am gonna freeze up everthang … the trees, the power lines … it gonna be one hell of a mess. It supposed to start tonight when that thar freezing rain moves into the area! I hate dat shit. That’s why I wanted to go protest it! Yessiree!”
I nodded my head, now understanding.
When I arrived I found Old Dick mounted on a stool at the counter. We engaged in some small talk about the weather, mainly about the upcoming ice storm. Then, Old Dick told me how he hurt his head in his attic. “I just put the tip of my head through the hole, then BAM!! The door fell and whacked me off the ladder and dropped my whole load on the floor! Now my head is swollen and purple!!”, he said.
I steered the conversation toward the gun range. But Old Dick said he had other plans. He said, “I is gonna drive to town and join that thar ICE protest!” I was dumbfounded! I replied, “Old Dick!!! What in the world?!? Why would you do THAT?!?”
Old Dick explained, “I hate that shit!! That crap is ruining the lives of good folks! I want to help put a stop to it!”
I was shocked. After some tense back and forth, I agreed to go with Old Dick. I figured I should go in order to protect him, as I don’t think he really knew what he was getting into there.
We finished our grits and headed to town. When we arrived, it was exactly like what you see on tv. There were green haired freaks, fat ugly chicks, and smelly troublemakers. I mean, ****! Only a sick ************ would oppose law enforcement engaging in its lawful duties. There is nothing wrong with it. They have a legal DUTY to enforce the law. The only logical explanation for this horse shit is that these agitating protesting scum is ANTI-law and order. That is fucked up!!
The first thing Old Dick did was to walk up to a 350lb behemoth of a woman with purple hair and say, “Howdy doody thar, young lass! My, ain’t it a purty day today?!?” The woman looked taken aback. Clearly, she had never dealt with Old Dick. The skank then hit Old Dick over his already swollen head with her “Kill Fascists and Their Children” protest sign.
“OUCHY-WOW-WOW!!”, cried Old Dick. I determined that this was not the place to be wearing my “Communists Are Not Human Beings Like Me or You” tee shirt, so I zipped up my coat. But it was too late. The ugly ***** had caught a glimpse of my shirt. She started screaming “JACKET OFF!! JACKET OFF!! JACKET OFF!!!” The crowd then joined in and started chanting too. We were in a real predicament here.
But Old Dick was on the case!! Sensing danger, Old Dick quickly whipped out the HK SMG he carries under his coat and started spraying crowd! “Tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat!!!” came the report from Dick’s SMG. Some went down immediately, as others dived for cover or ran.
Old Dick was throwing a second mag in when I spotted the ICE agents charging us!! I thought, “Holy shit!! They are going to try to get their hands on Old Dick!!” I told Old Dick to stop spraying those communist pigs, but he could not hear me. He was singing John Lennon’s “Imagine” as he mowed down the vermin.
The ICE agents were on us in a second. But then, something completely unexpected happened. The ICE agents were not rushing us to grab Old Dick and jerk him around. Instead, they rushed over to congratulate Old Dick for his righteous act. They were all smiles and laughs, patting Old Dick on his back and shaking his hand.
I looked out on the carnage. It gruesome. I was a bit confused. I asked one of the ICE agents, “Uh… What about all THAT”, as I pointed toward the pile of bodies. He replied, “Oh, don’t worry about those commie bastard anarchists. They were just protesting by committing a mass suicide.” The rest of the agents, and Old Dick, laughed at this comment. I then started laughing too!
On the drive home, Old Dick and I were talking about how much fun we had at the “protest”. Then, Old Dick said, “Damn!! I sure wish we found the ICE protest!”
This floored me. Did Old Dick have a stroke?!? Did his banged up head cause him confusion? I was now growing gravely concerned for Old Dick.
Then, Old Dick said, “Yessir! That damn ice!! It am gonna freeze up everthang … the trees, the power lines … it gonna be one hell of a mess. It supposed to start tonight when that thar freezing rain moves into the area! I hate dat shit. That’s why I wanted to go protest it! Yessiree!”
I nodded my head, now understanding.
