My Rolex GMT II Was Stolen on a Subway Train

[Lord Long Rod]

On Tuesday not long ago I experienced engine trouble in my Lambo as I was leaving for work. My wife had already left in the Porsche for a grueling day at the spa, and I allowed my daughter to drive the Jag back boarding to school. I sighed at my predicament and decided to take the subway train to the office.



So I was on the subway train, keeping to myself, when this large man sits down beside me. I immediately notice that he is wearing a large, gaudy gold dive watch encrusted with diamonds. It was hideous. But upon closer examination I noted that the dial said “Rolex”. Immediately I felt a sense of camaraderie with this gentleman. While the aesthetics of this fellow’s particular watch may not appeal to me, he is still clearly a fan of superlative time keeping. We are kindred spirits, him and I.



Usually I keep to myself. But today I felt a special kinship. It’s not everyday in my life that I cross paths with a fellow horologist of such a high caliber. So I decided to introduce myself. “Hi! My name is Wellington Wentworth III, of the North Shore Wentworths”, I said as I extended my hand to him. He responded, “Man, go fuck Yo self!” I was taken aback. I am not used to people talking to me in such a manner. I thought maybe I did something to offend the gentleman.



A bit shaken I said “I’m sorry, sir. I just saw your wrist piece and thought I would introduce myself, as we appear to share the same love for the horological arts.” I pulled back my sleeve and extended my left wrist so that the gent could see that I too wear a Rolex. I was wearing my Root Beer GMT II on this particular day.



Well, this must have broken the ice because the stranger said “Nice watch”. I said “Your’s is very nice too, if you do not mind me saying so!” The man replied, “Yeah, man, thanks. I got this from some homey in the hood that thought he was gonna be trippin on me.” I had no idea what he was talking about. I assumed he was talking about his local AD.



I asked the fellow his name again. He told me his name is “Triple Homicide”, or “Trip” for short. I told him that he had quite a unique name. We spoke a little more and I learned that he is a musician in a group called “Kill Whitey” and that “Triple Murder” is his stage name. By this point the ice had clearly broken and Trip turned to engage me.



Trip said “Yo man, let me see yo watch again.” I complied. Trip examined it closely then said “Umm hmmm… That there is one nice watch.” He then said “You gonna give me that watch”. I chuckled at his enthusiasm for horological mastery. I then said, “Boy, you sure are an aficionado!” Trip immediately got angry at me and I don’t know why.



Trip jumped to his feet and stood over me. “WHO YA CALLING BOY, MUTHAFUCKA?!?” The mood took a dark turn. I looked around and noticed the other passengers kind of scooting away from me in their seats. I said “Now look here, Trip! I do not know why you are suddenly angry but you need to get out of my space. You are way too close!”



Trip slapped me across my face, knocking me out of my seat and landing me on the floor. I immediately put my hand on my struck cheek and looked up at Trip. “I SAY!! WHAT’S THE MEANING OF THIS?!?” Of course, I now knew what was going on: Trip is one of THOSE PEOPLE. You know, a criminal. I had heard about these people but I had never come across one before now.



Still standing over me, Trip demanded “GIVE ME YO WATCH, BITCH!!” I decided to stand my ground. I replied “Oh no you don’t. I have heard about YOU PEOPLE…”.



Trip then kicked me in my face and started ranting like a crazy man, “YOU PEOPLE??? YOU PEOPLE?!?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, ‘YOU PEOPLE’, MOTHAFUCKA?!??”



By this time a small group of 5-6 other gentlemen had gathered around me. I thought “Oh, thank God! They are here to help me!” However, my notion was quickly dispelled when one of the men said “Let’s kill this honky muthafucka!!” I started taking fists and feet to my head and groin. It was excruciating. Right before I lost consciousness I heard a woman’s voice say “HEY YOU MUTHAFUCKAS!! STOP IT!!! STOP IT!!!”



I looked up at the source of the matronly voice and met eyes with a nice looking elderly lady. I wondered if she was an Angel from Heaven sent to save me. As we looked at one another a smile came across her face. The men stepped away while the woman stood over me.



She then said “You think I am gonna let you fuckas have all the fun? I want a piece of this cracka muthafucka too!” She then proceeded to punch and kick me in my face as the men cheered here on. It was lights out for me then.



The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital with a terrible headache. I eventually learned from the doctor that I had suffered a severe concussion, nerve damage, severe bruising, fractured eye sockets, and two ruptured scrotums. In fact, my left testicle apparently fell completely out of my scrotum and onto the floor of the train, where it unraveled. It was then grabbed up in the mouth of another passenger’s pit bull. The dog then turned and ran off with my testicle in its mouth, stretching it 3 subway car lengths before it ripped apart.



As the doctor revealed his diagnosis and prognosis I began to cry. When she was finished telling me the bad news she asked if I had any questions. I nodded and asked “How’s my GMT? Where is it? Do you have it in a lockbox somewhere for safekeeping?!?



The lady doctor did not understand my concern, which is unsurprising. Women generally lack the analytical capacity to appreciate the nuance involved in the horological arts. They will strap any piece of shit to their wrists completely ignorant of, and unconcerned with, say, beat frequency. In fact, while talking to this ER MD I noticed she was wearing some sort of electronic smart “watch”.



I must note here what is clear to all of us, but not to the horological proletariat: smart watches are NOT watches. They are, instead, to be properly classified as merely a multifunctional electronic devices that possesses a digital timekeeping function. Even my doctor, an otherwise highly educated woman, does not understand this. Her ignorance enrages me. But I digress.



Anyway, after some back and forth with the doc about how the morbid depths of her time keeping ignorance nauseates me, and how I am somehow supposed to be just happy I am alive and that watches are merely material possessions, the frustrated doctor lost control and started beating me over my head with my bed pan (which was full of my effluent, by the way).



Of course I lodged a complaint against the doctor with the AMA and state licensing board. I am awaiting a decision from both. Meanwhile, I made a claim on my Rolex insurance policy and was promptly remitted a check for the fair market value of my stolen piece, which well exceeded the price I paid for it 10 years ago. Currently I am on a 2-plus year waiting list for a replacement at my AD. It was originally going to be a 3-4 year wait, but I craftily outsmarted the sales rep by letting him sleep with my wife to shorten the wait time. LOL!!

 

[Moonglow]

I can tell what time it is by the position of the Sun.

 

[Hossfly]

At the top right corner of your OP I clicked on "WATCH." I'll watch it from time to time.

 

[Hossfly]

I can tell what time it is by the position of the Sun.

You shouldn't be looking at the sun. You'll go blind and have to get a smart watch that talks.

 

[Concerned American]

On Tuesday not long ago I experienced engine trouble in my Lambo as I was leaving for work. My wife had already left in the Porsche for a grueling day at the spa, and I allowed my daughter to drive the Jag back boarding to school. I sighed at my predicament and decided to take the subway train to the office.



So I was on the subway train, keeping to myself, when this large man sits down beside me. I immediately notice that he is wearing a large, gaudy gold dive watch encrusted with diamonds. It was hideous. But upon closer examination I noted that the dial said “Rolex”. Immediately I felt a sense of camaraderie with this gentleman. While the aesthetics of this fellow’s particular watch may not appeal to me, he is still clearly a fan of superlative time keeping. We are kindred spirits, him and I.



Usually I keep to myself. But today I felt a special kinship. It’s not everyday in my life that I cross paths with a fellow horologist of such a high caliber. So I decided to introduce myself. “Hi! My name is Wellington Wentworth III, of the North Shore Wentworths”, I said as I extended my hand to him. He responded, “Man, go fuck Yo self!” I was taken aback. I am not used to people talking to me in such a manner. I thought maybe I did something to offend the gentleman.



A bit shaken I said “I’m sorry, sir. I just saw your wrist piece and thought I would introduce myself, as we appear to share the same love for the horological arts.” I pulled back my sleeve and extended my left wrist so that the gent could see that I too wear a Rolex. I was wearing my Root Beer GMT II on this particular day.



Well, this must have broken the ice because the stranger said “Nice watch”. I said “Your’s is very nice too, if you do not mind me saying so!” The man replied, “Yeah, man, thanks. I got this from some homey in the hood that thought he was gonna be trippin on me.” I had no idea what he was talking about. I assumed he was talking about his local AD.



I asked the fellow his name again. He told me his name is “Triple Homicide”, or “Trip” for short. I told him that he had quite a unique name. We spoke a little more and I learned that he is a musician in a group called “Kill Whitey” and that “Triple Murder” is his stage name. By this point the ice had clearly broken and Trip turned to engage me.



Trip said “Yo man, let me see yo watch again.” I complied. Trip examined it closely then said “Umm hmmm… That there is one nice watch.” He then said “You gonna give me that watch”. I chuckled at his enthusiasm for horological mastery. I then said, “Boy, you sure are an aficionado!” Trip immediately got angry at me and I don’t know why.



Trip jumped to his feet and stood over me. “WHO YA CALLING BOY, MUTHAFUCKA?!?” The mood took a dark turn. I looked around and noticed the other passengers kind of scooting away from me in their seats. I said “Now look here, Trip! I do not know why you are suddenly angry but you need to get out of my space. You are way too close!”



Trip slapped me across my face, knocking me out of my seat and landing me on the floor. I immediately put my hand on my struck cheek and looked up at Trip. “I SAY!! WHAT’S THE MEANING OF THIS?!?” Of course, I now knew what was going on: Trip is one of THOSE PEOPLE. You know, a criminal. I had heard about these people but I had never come across one before now.



Still standing over me, Trip demanded “GIVE ME YO WATCH, BITCH!!” I decided to stand my ground. I replied “Oh no you don’t. I have heard about YOU PEOPLE…”.



Trip then kicked me in my face and started ranting like a crazy man, “YOU PEOPLE??? YOU PEOPLE?!?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, ‘YOU PEOPLE’, MOTHAFUCKA?!??”



By this time a small group of 5-6 other gentlemen had gathered around me. I thought “Oh, thank God! They are here to help me!” However, my notion was quickly dispelled when one of the men said “Let’s kill this honky muthafucka!!” I started taking fists and feet to my head and groin. It was excruciating. Right before I lost consciousness I heard a woman’s voice say “HEY YOU MUTHAFUCKAS!! STOP IT!!! STOP IT!!!”



I looked up at the source of the matronly voice and met eyes with a nice looking elderly lady. I wondered if she was an Angel from Heaven sent to save me. As we looked at one another a smile came across her face. The men stepped away while the woman stood over me.



She then said “You think I am gonna let you fuckas have all the fun? I want a piece of this cracka muthafucka too!” She then proceeded to punch and kick me in my face as the men cheered here on. It was lights out for me then.



The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital with a terrible headache. I eventually learned from the doctor that I had suffered a severe concussion, nerve damage, severe bruising, fractured eye sockets, and two ruptured scrotums. In fact, my left testicle apparently fell completely out of my scrotum and onto the floor of the train, where it unraveled. It was then grabbed up in the mouth of another passenger’s pit bull. The dog then turned and ran off with my testicle in its mouth, stretching it 3 subway car lengths before it ripped apart.



As the doctor revealed his diagnosis and prognosis I began to cry. When she was finished telling me the bad news she asked if I had any questions. I nodded and asked “How’s my GMT? Where is it? Do you have it in a lockbox somewhere for safekeeping?!?



The lady doctor did not understand my concern, which is unsurprising. Women generally lack the analytical capacity to appreciate the nuance involved in the horological arts. They will strap any piece of shit to their wrists completely ignorant of, and unconcerned with, say, beat frequency. In fact, while talking to this ER MD I noticed she was wearing some sort of electronic smart “watch”.



I must note here what is clear to all of us, but not to the horological proletariat: smart watches are NOT watches. They are, instead, to be properly classified as merely a multifunctional electronic devices that possesses a digital timekeeping function. Even my doctor, an otherwise highly educated woman, does not understand this. Her ignorance enrages me. But I digress.



Anyway, after some back and forth with the doc about how the morbid depths of her time keeping ignorance nauseates me, and how I am somehow supposed to be just happy I am alive and that watches are merely material possessions, the frustrated doctor lost control and started beating me over my head with my bed pan (which was full of my effluent, by the way).



Of course I lodged a complaint against the doctor with the AMA and state licensing board. I am awaiting a decision from both. Meanwhile, I made a claim on my Rolex insurance policy and was promptly remitted a check for the fair market value of my stolen piece, which well exceeded the price I paid for it 10 years ago. Currently I am on a 2-plus year waiting list for a replacement at my AD. It was originally going to be a 3-4 year wait, but I craftily outsmarted the sales rep by letting him sleep with my wife to shorten the wait time. LOL!!

You should have short circuited it in the first paragraph and called your chauffeur to drive you in. Then we wouldn't have had to read this. LOL

 

[Moonglow]

You shouldn't be looking at the sun. You'll go blind and have to get a smart watch that talks.

I prefer a woman that feels for me.

 

[Innocynioc]

I question whether or not this is even a true story.

 

[Concerned American]

I question whether or not this is even a true story.

What was your first clue?

 

[Natural Citizen]

GMT don't keep time worth a shit anyway.

 

[Lord Long Rod]

GMT don't keep time worth a shit anyway.

Rollies, my man. Rollies.

 

[Frankeneinstein]

I can tell what time it is by the position of the Sun.

You mean the earth.

 

[toobfreak]

You shouldn't be looking at the sun. You'll go blind and have to get a smart watch that talks.

That would be a sight to see.

 

[Orangecat]

Everyone should have a Rolex.

 

[Concerned American]

Everyone should have a Rolex.

Why? I retired 10 years ago and threw my cellphone and watch in the trash. Haven't missed either one in spite of all the businesses that want to discriminate against we tech deniers. WTF, special prices if you pre-register your purchases at Safeway? You can have them.

 

[Hossfly]

.

Everyone should have a Rolex.

I bought a Rolex from a guy at Times Square for $25.00. Damn thing turned my wrist green. I shoulda kept my $19.00 Timex.

 

[Orangecat]

Why?

It's something my grandfather used to say.
I do have one, but rarely wear it.

 

[gtopa1]

I prefer a woman that feels for me.

Nancy Pelosi??

Greg

 

[gtopa1]

What was your first clue?

"On Tuesday...."

Greg

 

[TheParser]

On Tuesday not long ago I experienced engine trouble in my Lambo as I was leaving for work. My wife had already left in the Porsche for a grueling day at the spa, and I allowed my daughter to drive the Jag back boarding to school. I sighed at my predicament and decided to take the subway train to the office.



So I was on the subway train, keeping to myself, when this large man sits down beside me. I immediately notice that he is wearing a large, gaudy gold dive watch encrusted with diamonds. It was hideous. But upon closer examination I noted that the dial said “Rolex”. Immediately I felt a sense of camaraderie with this gentleman. While the aesthetics of this fellow’s particular watch may not appeal to me, he is still clearly a fan of superlative time keeping. We are kindred spirits, him and I.



Usually I keep to myself. But today I felt a special kinship. It’s not everyday in my life that I cross paths with a fellow horologist of such a high caliber. So I decided to introduce myself. “Hi! My name is Wellington Wentworth III, of the North Shore Wentworths”, I said as I extended my hand to him. He responded, “Man, go fuck Yo self!” I was taken aback. I am not used to people talking to me in such a manner. I thought maybe I did something to offend the gentleman.



A bit shaken I said “I’m sorry, sir. I just saw your wrist piece and thought I would introduce myself, as we appear to share the same love for the horological arts.” I pulled back my sleeve and extended my left wrist so that the gent could see that I too wear a Rolex. I was wearing my Root Beer GMT II on this particular day.



Well, this must have broken the ice because the stranger said “Nice watch”. I said “Your’s is very nice too, if you do not mind me saying so!” The man replied, “Yeah, man, thanks. I got this from some homey in the hood that thought he was gonna be trippin on me.” I had no idea what he was talking about. I assumed he was talking about his local AD.



I asked the fellow his name again. He told me his name is “Triple Homicide”, or “Trip” for short. I told him that he had quite a unique name. We spoke a little more and I learned that he is a musician in a group called “Kill Whitey” and that “Triple Murder” is his stage name. By this point the ice had clearly broken and Trip turned to engage me.



Trip said “Yo man, let me see yo watch again.” I complied. Trip examined it closely then said “Umm hmmm… That there is one nice watch.” He then said “You gonna give me that watch”. I chuckled at his enthusiasm for horological mastery. I then said, “Boy, you sure are an aficionado!” Trip immediately got angry at me and I don’t know why.



Trip jumped to his feet and stood over me. “WHO YA CALLING BOY, MUTHAFUCKA?!?” The mood took a dark turn. I looked around and noticed the other passengers kind of scooting away from me in their seats. I said “Now look here, Trip! I do not know why you are suddenly angry but you need to get out of my space. You are way too close!”



Trip slapped me across my face, knocking me out of my seat and landing me on the floor. I immediately put my hand on my struck cheek and looked up at Trip. “I SAY!! WHAT’S THE MEANING OF THIS?!?” Of course, I now knew what was going on: Trip is one of THOSE PEOPLE. You know, a criminal. I had heard about these people but I had never come across one before now.



Still standing over me, Trip demanded “GIVE ME YO WATCH, BITCH!!” I decided to stand my ground. I replied “Oh no you don’t. I have heard about YOU PEOPLE…”.



Trip then kicked me in my face and started ranting like a crazy man, “YOU PEOPLE??? YOU PEOPLE?!?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, ‘YOU PEOPLE’, MOTHAFUCKA?!??”



By this time a small group of 5-6 other gentlemen had gathered around me. I thought “Oh, thank God! They are here to help me!” However, my notion was quickly dispelled when one of the men said “Let’s kill this honky muthafucka!!” I started taking fists and feet to my head and groin. It was excruciating. Right before I lost consciousness I heard a woman’s voice say “HEY YOU MUTHAFUCKAS!! STOP IT!!! STOP IT!!!”



I looked up at the source of the matronly voice and met eyes with a nice looking elderly lady. I wondered if she was an Angel from Heaven sent to save me. As we looked at one another a smile came across her face. The men stepped away while the woman stood over me.



She then said “You think I am gonna let you fuckas have all the fun? I want a piece of this cracka muthafucka too!” She then proceeded to punch and kick me in my face as the men cheered here on. It was lights out for me then.



The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital with a terrible headache. I eventually learned from the doctor that I had suffered a severe concussion, nerve damage, severe bruising, fractured eye sockets, and two ruptured scrotums. In fact, my left testicle apparently fell completely out of my scrotum and onto the floor of the train, where it unraveled. It was then grabbed up in the mouth of another passenger’s pit bull. The dog then turned and ran off with my testicle in its mouth, stretching it 3 subway car lengths before it ripped apart.



As the doctor revealed his diagnosis and prognosis I began to cry. When she was finished telling me the bad news she asked if I had any questions. I nodded and asked “How’s my GMT? Where is it? Do you have it in a lockbox somewhere for safekeeping?!?



The lady doctor did not understand my concern, which is unsurprising. Women generally lack the analytical capacity to appreciate the nuance involved in the horological arts. They will strap any piece of shit to their wrists completely ignorant of, and unconcerned with, say, beat frequency. In fact, while talking to this ER MD I noticed she was wearing some sort of electronic smart “watch”.



I must note here what is clear to all of us, but not to the horological proletariat: smart watches are NOT watches. They are, instead, to be properly classified as merely a multifunctional electronic devices that possesses a digital timekeeping function. Even my doctor, an otherwise highly educated woman, does not understand this. Her ignorance enrages me. But I digress.



Anyway, after some back and forth with the doc about how the morbid depths of her time keeping ignorance nauseates me, and how I am somehow supposed to be just happy I am alive and that watches are merely material possessions, the frustrated doctor lost control and started beating me over my head with my bed pan (which was full of my effluent, by the way).



Of course I lodged a complaint against the doctor with the AMA and state licensing board. I am awaiting a decision from both. Meanwhile, I made a claim on my Rolex insurance policy and was promptly remitted a check for the fair market value of my stolen piece, which well exceeded the price I paid for it 10 years ago. Currently I am on a 2-plus year waiting list for a replacement at my AD. It was originally going to be a 3-4 year wait, but I craftily outsmarted the sales rep by letting him sleep with my wife to shorten the wait time. LOL!!

Very humorous and well-written.

 

[Natural Citizen]

I can tell what time it is by the position of the Sun.

And probably more accurate than the Rollie...