Captain Creeper
Diamond Member
- Oct 13, 2025
- 2,317
- 2,732
- 1,903
So, I went over to get my friend, Old Dick, for our weekly trip to the gun range followed by our weekly men’s prayer group. However, when I got to Old Dick’s place, he informed me that he had other plans for our day. In his now trademark high-pitch, cartoony, Mickey Mouse voice, Old Dick said, “I cain’t today, sonny! Ya see, I is got a mighty hankerin’ to go to the CATHOUSE!!” I was stunned. I assume he was referring to our local house of ill-repute, the “Cock-a-Doodle-xxxxxxxx”.
I asked Old Dick why he wanted to go to a “cathouse”. He replied, “I want to go cuz I need me sum *****!!!!!” I raised my voice in righteous indignation at Old Dick, “DICK!!! MY GOODNESS!!! WHAT IN HEAVEN HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU?!?!?”
Old Dick then explained that he was having a problem with mice and rats at his place. “I needs to git me sum ***** cats to eat up them vermin with!!!”, he said. It turned out that he wanted to go to the local pet store to buy a couple of cats to keep round his place to chase the mice away. I was so embarrassed that I had jumped to my prior conclusion. Old Dick just looked at me sort of cross like and called me a “dumbass”. We put our coats and hats on before we walked outside because it was colder than old Hillary Clinton outside. Old Dick mounted my jacked-up truck, and we took off to town to get him a couple of house cats.
We arrived at the place shortly, right after we stopped at Dunken Donuts for Old Dick. “I just love to lick those holes!!”, he said after buying some donuts. The name of the pet store was “The Big Hair Dog”. Old Dick rushed inside, saying “Oh Boy!!! I can’t wait to get my hands on some of that thar *****!!” I spotted a couple of lovely young ladies behind the counter and decided to go speak to them. On my way there I recalled that school was in session today, and it was just after noon, so these chicks had to be over school age!!
I walked up to the counter, smiling at the girls. They both smiled back. Then I whipped out my zinger!! “Hey, girls, it smells a lot like fish up here. Ya’ll got something going on I should know about?” The girl on the left spoke up and said, “We shore doo!!! We got us a 2-fer-1 sale on a tooton feesh.” I asked her what type of fish that was. She confessed to not knowing. Then she said she is not even sure how it is pronounced, but that it sounded like “tooton”, or something like that. I thought to myself, “JACKPOT!!!”
Well, then Old Dick came up and kind of killed the vibe. I love Old Dick. Sometimes he just hits the right spot inside, if you know what I mean. But when it comes to matters of the heart, well, he is not so sharp.
“Hey there!!! Where’s all yer ***** at?!?”, asked Old Dick. The girls looked at one another curiously. I facepalmed. Old Dick continued, “See, I need me sum ***** REAL bad on account of this lil feller I gots in my pants!” I thought to myself, “Oh holy heck!”
The girl on the right then cocked her head to the side and asked Old Dick, “What ya got there in yer pants, mister? “ “OH NO!!!”, I thought to myself. Old Dick then went digging deep in his pants and pulled out a live mouse! It was all wiggly and squeaking. He then told the girls he has mice at home so bad they are getting in his drawers! The girl on the left said, “Awww he’s so CUTE!!!”
The girls took Old Dick in the back of the store, where they keep all the house cats. I stayed up front. After a moment an older woman came up and introduced herself as the owner of the store. I told her what I was doing there. We than discussed organic invitro female fertilization.
After a few minutes Old Dick and the 2 girls emerged from the back. Old Dick excitedly said, “Look at all this ***** I got!!!!”. Old Dick was carrying 2 cats, one completely white, and one completely black. The store owner then turned to the girls and said, “I sure hope you girls have been kind to our gentleman friend there”, nodding to Old Dick. Both girls nodded and said they had. The owner then asked the girls, “Did you take his hat and jacket off?” One of them happily said, ‘We shore did, Ms. Boss lady!!” She was pleased.
Old Dick reached around in his britches and pulled out a chunk of change to pay the lady with for the 2 felines. “These 2 beauties are gonna be jest what I need to gits rid of them damned old rodents at home!! Them darn things will climb in jest about any hole, jest ask Richard Gere!!! Yessir!!!” We all looked at Old Dick when he said this. He continued, “Yeah, I saw Richard Gere on one of those late nite shows on the cable tee-v. He had him a real perdictament of a rodent problem!!”
We left the store and headed back to Old Dick’s place. Curious, I decided to feel out Old Dick a bit. “Uh, say there, what made you pick an all-white cat and another all-black cat, Old Dick?”, I asked. Old Dick said, “Well, ya see, I figured if one of ‘em were a lazy motherfuker and didn’t work, he could blame the other one. Understand?” I replied, “I am not sure, Old Dick. I am not sure.”
I asked Old Dick why he wanted to go to a “cathouse”. He replied, “I want to go cuz I need me sum *****!!!!!” I raised my voice in righteous indignation at Old Dick, “DICK!!! MY GOODNESS!!! WHAT IN HEAVEN HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU?!?!?”
Old Dick then explained that he was having a problem with mice and rats at his place. “I needs to git me sum ***** cats to eat up them vermin with!!!”, he said. It turned out that he wanted to go to the local pet store to buy a couple of cats to keep round his place to chase the mice away. I was so embarrassed that I had jumped to my prior conclusion. Old Dick just looked at me sort of cross like and called me a “dumbass”. We put our coats and hats on before we walked outside because it was colder than old Hillary Clinton outside. Old Dick mounted my jacked-up truck, and we took off to town to get him a couple of house cats.
We arrived at the place shortly, right after we stopped at Dunken Donuts for Old Dick. “I just love to lick those holes!!”, he said after buying some donuts. The name of the pet store was “The Big Hair Dog”. Old Dick rushed inside, saying “Oh Boy!!! I can’t wait to get my hands on some of that thar *****!!” I spotted a couple of lovely young ladies behind the counter and decided to go speak to them. On my way there I recalled that school was in session today, and it was just after noon, so these chicks had to be over school age!!
I walked up to the counter, smiling at the girls. They both smiled back. Then I whipped out my zinger!! “Hey, girls, it smells a lot like fish up here. Ya’ll got something going on I should know about?” The girl on the left spoke up and said, “We shore doo!!! We got us a 2-fer-1 sale on a tooton feesh.” I asked her what type of fish that was. She confessed to not knowing. Then she said she is not even sure how it is pronounced, but that it sounded like “tooton”, or something like that. I thought to myself, “JACKPOT!!!”
Well, then Old Dick came up and kind of killed the vibe. I love Old Dick. Sometimes he just hits the right spot inside, if you know what I mean. But when it comes to matters of the heart, well, he is not so sharp.
“Hey there!!! Where’s all yer ***** at?!?”, asked Old Dick. The girls looked at one another curiously. I facepalmed. Old Dick continued, “See, I need me sum ***** REAL bad on account of this lil feller I gots in my pants!” I thought to myself, “Oh holy heck!”
The girl on the right then cocked her head to the side and asked Old Dick, “What ya got there in yer pants, mister? “ “OH NO!!!”, I thought to myself. Old Dick then went digging deep in his pants and pulled out a live mouse! It was all wiggly and squeaking. He then told the girls he has mice at home so bad they are getting in his drawers! The girl on the left said, “Awww he’s so CUTE!!!”
The girls took Old Dick in the back of the store, where they keep all the house cats. I stayed up front. After a moment an older woman came up and introduced herself as the owner of the store. I told her what I was doing there. We than discussed organic invitro female fertilization.
After a few minutes Old Dick and the 2 girls emerged from the back. Old Dick excitedly said, “Look at all this ***** I got!!!!”. Old Dick was carrying 2 cats, one completely white, and one completely black. The store owner then turned to the girls and said, “I sure hope you girls have been kind to our gentleman friend there”, nodding to Old Dick. Both girls nodded and said they had. The owner then asked the girls, “Did you take his hat and jacket off?” One of them happily said, ‘We shore did, Ms. Boss lady!!” She was pleased.
Old Dick reached around in his britches and pulled out a chunk of change to pay the lady with for the 2 felines. “These 2 beauties are gonna be jest what I need to gits rid of them damned old rodents at home!! Them darn things will climb in jest about any hole, jest ask Richard Gere!!! Yessir!!!” We all looked at Old Dick when he said this. He continued, “Yeah, I saw Richard Gere on one of those late nite shows on the cable tee-v. He had him a real perdictament of a rodent problem!!”
We left the store and headed back to Old Dick’s place. Curious, I decided to feel out Old Dick a bit. “Uh, say there, what made you pick an all-white cat and another all-black cat, Old Dick?”, I asked. Old Dick said, “Well, ya see, I figured if one of ‘em were a lazy motherfuker and didn’t work, he could blame the other one. Understand?” I replied, “I am not sure, Old Dick. I am not sure.”
