Human Cloning or Self Care Products?

[presonorek]

For decades, Big Cotton—the shadowy conglomerate behind every brand of cotton balls sold in drugstores—has been secretly funneling profits into human cloning labs hidden beneath abandoned Hollywood sound stages. Their mission? To resurrect deceased movie stars and install them as sleeper agents in modern media.


It all started in 1982, when the Cotton Council of America (an anagram for “Accurate Cloning Co.”) discovered trace amounts of genetic material preserved in makeup swabs used on Marilyn Monroe and James Dean. Since then, every cotton ball purchase has served a dual purpose: cosmetic application—and funding Project Papyrus, the covert cloning initiative.


Insiders claim the 2023 “return” of Brendan Fraser was actually Cloned Fraser 7C—his original body cryogenically stored beneath the Neutrogena factory in Des Moines. Even more shocking, some believe Morgan Freeman is now in his third iteration, with subtle voice changes attributed to “allergies.”


Why? Because cloned stars are easier to control, more compliant with influencer contracts, and less likely to age inconveniently. Plus, cotton swabs double as surveillance devices—the perfect cover for micro-drones.


NASA denies involvement, but leaked emails between Q-Tips executives and Paramount suggest otherwise. Rumors swirl that the next phase—Project Pulp—is set to revive Humphrey Bogart as a TikTok chef.


And you thought your bathroom drawer was safe.

 

[presonorek]

U.S. DEPARTMENT OF COMMERCE
OFFICE OF UNREGISTERED BIOTECHNOLOGY INITIATIVES
INTERNAL MEMORANDUM — EYES ONLY

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DATE: October 7, 1986
FROM: ███████ ██████████, Deputy Director of Special Projects
TO: Clearance Level Gamma-6 Personnel
SUBJECT: PROJECT PAPYRUS — Covert Reanimation via Commercial Cotton Distribution Channels

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CONFIDENTIAL — DO NOT COPY


It has come to our attention that the American Cotton Consortium (hereafter “Big Cotton”) has, since FY1978, been diverting revenue from the sale of civilian hygiene products (e.g., cotton balls, makeup pads, Q-tips) into unauthorized bio-reconstruction research under codename Project PAPYRUS.


Analysis confirms that DNA extracted from cosmetic swabs used on deceased actors—including M. Monroe, J. Dean, and C. Gable—has been successfully preserved and encoded for recombinant cloning trials. These trials are being executed within decommissioned sound stages in Culver City, CA and an underground facility codenamed “The Duvet” beneath an Iowa-based consumer goods plant.


We believe that synthetic replicas of at least three (3) legacy Hollywood figures have been deployed into the public sphere under fabricated identities. Behavioral anomalies consistent with Version-3 clones were observed in subject: [REDACTED], a supposed “comeback” performance filmed in early 1986.


ADDITIONAL CONCERNS:
• Potential surveillance devices embedded in household cotton products
• Phase II (“Project PULP”) aims to activate a digital personality for H. Bogart by Q4 1991
• Unconfirmed financial overlap with the NASA textile division and Paramount Global


RECOMMENDATIONS:
Suspend all federal cotton procurement pending ethics review. Increase monitoring of influencer behavior.


Report all findings to Subcommittee Omega-Fuzz.


END MEMO