You can't terror terrorist, that's a double negative. Whatever religion or spiritual path you have is not working, all I see is a bitter angry person who spews up as down and down as up, you are more than just confused spewing a bizzarro opposite world view, but your hate for life shows which means your influences failed you.
Have you thought about changing teachers-leaders-guidance? Maybe more meditatuon and fiber, the fibwr might help get this crap out of your system. Just saying. Usually people who don't enjoy life, need to mess up life for others, that's not a good spiritual or psychological path.