Crazy Sister

[Annie]

That's what I'm worried about. I don't think my parents are pushing her hard enough disipline wise. I frankly don't think my dad knows what to do, the rest of us never had any problems like this. I think he's kind of in shock, and I'm not sure if he can handle it. He's 66 tomorrow, and is trying to teach, run the family business, keep his marriage together, rebuild the house, help pay for my tuition, and now keep her under control. It's not good for him. He's been in the hospital three times since January. He really wants to help her get back on track, but I think he still can't understand that his "process" for turning out good kids isn't working for her. He's wants to get her well, but I don't think he can see that she's different from the rest of us (he gets a bit too excited about the fact that Stanford doesn't count freshmen year grades on an application). She's more a music person, and she's very good at it and loves it, and he's encouraged her, but now she's just completely off road and he doesn't know what to do and he's running scared. I think he needs some lessons on good parenting for bad kids or something, but my biggest concern is for his health. I just hope that she gets better than she is now, for everyone's sake.

You said you were really close. Perhaps you should try being her brother instead of 'helping your dad'. I don't mean not to communicate with him, just let your little sister know that her big brother cares. Encourage her to work with the counselor, because you want her to visit you this year.

It's too bad your folks are so far from Boston, for there are great boarding schools there, but I think this is too much for you. Whoops, not too mention you'll be in China. :slapmyself:

My guess, if the right therapist is found, she has a friend or two, your dad relaxes, but requires limits-(take away car, internet), she'll settle down. Someone has to tell her that music is cool, Harvard et al are not the be all and end all.

 

[rtwngAvngr]

And that is called tough love. I don’t always agree with it in every situation, but from what I’ve read in the thread so far I think it would be best for Mr. Conley.

Yes. ANd it doesn't mean you can't help her if she shows a true willingness to change and live by a set of rules of the house.

A problem kids have today is we have it too good. EVERYONE TRYING TO SAVE HER is just feeding into the drama of it all. A couple years at rock bottom may be just the thing.

 

[rtwngAvngr]

It's also this stanford talk, and hysterics about her "permanent record". Those are empty values. maybe that's what she's rebelling against.

 

[jimnyc]

This is my second summer out of college, and my first back home in a while so I've started to really spend time with my family and, frankly, it's scaring me.

The thing that worries me is my sister. She's 16, and she's completely off her rocker. Over the summer, just this summer, she's been caught shoplifting, joyriding in a stolen car with friends, started smoking cigarettes and joints, drinking heavily, talking back, making up huge, incredible lies, totally and blatantly lied about who she is with and where, and even nearly got in a physical fight with my stepmother. She's refusing to even speak to our mother, and despite attending four therapy sessions a week (for bulimia and depression), and taking prozac, there is nothing the family seems to be able to do to get her under control. Just last week she brought her boyfriend home who, according to her was a 17 year old rising senior at Newman, the best local high school. Turns out he's actually a 20-year old, high school dropout who works part time as a construction worker. State laws aside, that's not right. I don't know what to do. My parents are in shock. She's the total opposite of me and my other three siblings. It's as though I went away and came back to a whole new person. She's doing everything that she shouldn't. Her last school nearly expelled her after she was found on campus drunk. My dad had to convince the school not to expell her so that it wouldn't show up on her college application, but it's the third school where this had happened in the last year. And this is a 9th grader. I don't know what to do, how to act, what to say, does anyone have any thoughts?

Sorry about the problems this has caused. Based on what changes I've watched myself go through at that age, and the things I started doing, I would first look to who she associates with. It's up to the individual to ultimately 'say no', but it wouldn't hurt to have those that encourage her behavior out of her life. Kids at her age think it is all fun and don't realize they are making a foundation for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, most don't realize the effects until they get some sort of consequences for their actions. Hopefully it'll just be a minor police infraction or a bad high to set her straight.

 

[Annie]

Sorry about the problems this has caused. Based on what changes I've watched myself go through at that age, and the things I started doing, I would first look to who she associates with. It's up to the individual to ultimately 'say no', but it wouldn't hurt to have those that encourage her behavior out of her life. Kids at her age think it is all fun and don't realize they are making a foundation for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, most don't realize the effects until they get some sort of consequences for their actions. Hopefully it'll just be a minor police infraction or a bad high to set her straight.

Jim has a point, but a limited point. When your sister reaches the point where she wants to straiten out, she needs to get away from her 'friends'. But until she does, attempts to seperate her from them, will only result in more oppositional behavior. At least that has been my experience.

Problem is, you don't know what she's thinking. That's the rub.

 

[Nienna]

Yes. ANd it doesn't mean you can't help her if she shows a true willingness to change and live by a set of rules of the house.

A problem kids have today is we have it too good. EVERYONE TRYING TO SAVE HER is just feeding into the drama of it all. A couple years at rock bottom may be just the thing.

Listen to the psych major.

Seriously, this is good advice, though.

 

[Mr.Conley]

Wow! She just pulled a huge one. My dad drops her off at her psychiatrist's for therapy, and heads over to Starbucks for a coffee. He realizes that he hadn't given my sister her insurance card and heads back. As he pulls up, he sees her get into a taxi cab. Suspicious, he follows the cab which goes right to the 20-year-old, high school dropout, part-time construction worker's trailor. My dad waits 5 minutes (to see if anything is happening), then barges in, and gets her out. She says she needed to "pay him some money" she owed him. As if. Then once she gets back to the house, she slaps our stepmother believing she tipped my dad off. It's riddiculous.

Also, it turns out that she's been purging again for the past few days...

 

[Annie]

Wow! She just pulled a huge one. My dad drops her off at her psychiatrist's for therapy, and heads over to Starbucks for a coffee. He realizes that he hadn't given my sister her insurance card and heads back. As he pulls up, he sees her get into a taxi cab. Suspicious, he follows the cab which goes right to the 20-year-old, high school dropout, part-time construction worker's trailor. My dad waits 5 minutes (to see if anything is happening), then barges in, and gets her out. She says she needed to "pay him some money" she owed him. As if. Then once she gets back to the house, she slaps our stepmother believing she tipped my dad off. It's riddiculous.

Also, it turns out that she's been purging again for the past few days...

I'm sorry. I hope the parents think hospital again.

 

[Bonnie]

This is my second summer out of college, and my first back home in a while so I've started to really spend time with my family and, frankly, it's scaring me.

The thing that worries me is my sister. She's 16, and she's completely off her rocker. Over the summer, just this summer, she's been caught shoplifting, joyriding in a stolen car with friends, started smoking cigarettes and joints, drinking heavily, talking back, making up huge, incredible lies, totally and blatantly lied about who she is with and where, and even nearly got in a physical fight with my stepmother. She's refusing to even speak to our mother, and despite attending four therapy sessions a week (for bulimia and depression), and taking prozac, there is nothing the family seems to be able to do to get her under control. Just last week she brought her boyfriend home who, according to her was a 17 year old rising senior at Newman, the best local high school. Turns out he's actually a 20-year old, high school dropout who works part time as a construction worker. State laws aside, that's not right. I don't know what to do. My parents are in shock. She's the total opposite of me and my other three siblings. It's as though I went away and came back to a whole new person. She's doing everything that she shouldn't. Her last school nearly expelled her after she was found on campus drunk. My dad had to convince the school not to expell her so that it wouldn't show up on her college application, but it's the third school where this had happened in the last year. And this is a 9th grader. I don't know what to do, how to act, what to say, does anyone have any thoughts?

Question, your only 20 years old and your board name is MR Conley?? I thought you were this old fuddy dud

Sorry off topic, anyway

advice from an almost shrink, keep away from her problems, she needs your parents to take a strong stand with her now before she lands in County long term. When she makes the effort to straighten out be there to support her.

 

[Mr.Conley]

Question, your only 20 years old and your board name is MR Conley?? I thought you were this old fuddy dud

Strange, isn't it?

advice from an almost shrink, keep away from her problems, she needs your parents to take a strong stand with her now before she lands in County long term. When she makes the effort to straighten out be there to support her.

I know that's what you, Mr. P, and rtwng feel, and two of you I know have degrees in this stuff, but it wouldn't feel right. She's family. Family comes first, and my abandoning her would be worse than anything she's done. Family you have to stick with, because they're the only ones whole watch your back. It wouldn't be right if I did that too her.

I'm sorry. I hope the parents think hospital again.

I wish, but they can't. The last time she went the bill was over $40,000 out of retirement savings. They don't have the money for a revisit.

 

[Bonnie]

Strange, isn't it?


I know that's what you, Mr. P, and rtwng feel, and two of you I know have degrees in this stuff, but it wouldn't feel right. She's family. Family comes first, and my abandoning her would be worse than anything she's done. Family you have to stick with, because they're the only ones whole watch your back. It wouldn't be right if I did that too her.

I wish, but they can't. The last time she went the bill was over $40,000 out of retirement savings. They don't have the money for a revisit.

True family does come first, just make sure she doesn't bring you down with her in the process. It's one thing to support her recovery and another to just enable her to keep doing what she is doing if she has no desire to srtaighten out.

 

[Mr.Conley]

True family does come first, just make sure she doesn't bring you down with her in the process. It's one thing to support her recovery and another to just enable her to keep doing what she is doing if she has no desire to srtaighten out.

I'll do that. It's just that the whole situation is surreal.