Canon Shooter
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- Jan 7, 2020
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This came up on Microsoft Edge; not a browser I normally use, but there it is. It's an advice column called "Dear Prudence" (shout out to The Beatles, I guess).
Anyway, a father who's largely been in absent in his daughter's life, finds out his daughter is getting married, so he hops on a plane to go meet the guy. I won't spoil the fun, but the response from "Prudence", I think, is a wonderful little bitch slap to the advice seeker. I doubt they'll have the balls, but I'd love to see IM2 and Paul Essien opine on this, for reasons which will fairly obvious.
Mildly long; enjoy:
Dear Prudence:
Recently, I learned that my adult daughter was getting married within the year. I was surprised to learn this because I knew nothing of her dating anyone, let alone seriously enough that marriage was in the near future. Iāll admit my daughter and I are not as close as we could be, not since her mother and I divorced when she was a preteen and I moved out of state. Our contact was more limited after I remarried, but I still thought she would inform me of her beau. I arranged a trip to go visit her and see him in person. I was taken aback to learn her fiancĆ© is a white man; she is black. I didnāt say anything at the time, but after I left and thought about it, I felt I should talk to her about it. While the man seemed nice enough, I felt she didnāt know what she was getting herself into.
I gave her a call and expressed my concerns, trying to make sure I wasnāt being judgmental. However, my daughter became angry and argued it wasnāt my business since Iām not a part of her life. She also said that if I didnāt agree with this, she could comment on my marrying a younger woman while forgetting about her growing up. She hung up and later sent a text telling me that I was perfectly free to skip the wedding if I felt so strongly about it. She even went as far as to say that if I had been a better example of a black man, she might not have gone for my āphysical opposite.ā Honestly, I largely donāt want to go to the wedding not only because I donāt approve of the relationship but her disrespectful attitude. Iām worried that if I donāt, though, itāll solidify a strained relationship. What should I do?
ā Hurt but Concerned
Dear Hurt,
My advice boils down to this: Stay in your lane. And the name of the lane is: Absentee father.
A lot of people would say one of the problems here is that you care about her fiancĆ©ās race at all. But I donāt agree. I can see a Black father who is close to his daughter reasonably saying, āOh wow, heās white? Just checking, how does he feel about raising Black children? Have you two talked about what youāll do when racism inevitably rears its head in your lives? What has he said about how his relatives will treat you?ā In that sense, I donāt think itās totally inappropriate to express concern. But itās a weird thing to do if you havenāt shown the same kind of care about other issues in your daughterās life. I also think itās strange that you brought it up after having a chance to meet the guy, feel out his vibes, ask him questions and get to know who he was as a whole person, not just a white person. Taking all that together, Iām not at all surprised that sheās upset by the combination of your absence in your life (which has obviously hurt her) and your misguided comments.
I have to add that I also find it off-putting that as soon as you found out there was a man in her life, you hopped on a plane, especially if you didnāt do the same when she started college, got her first job, moved into an apartment, or celebrated other milestones when she might have appreciated your presence. To suddenly perk up and engage when marriage is on the table suggests a sense of ownership rather than a true interest in her wellbeing.
The way forward is to apologize for overstepping and assure her that you would love to attend the wedding if she can forgive you. If she accepts, ask yourself if you can be comfortable with a role in her wedding that matches the role youāve had in her life so far: Someone whoās happy for her but isnāt one of the main characters in her story and isnāt entitled to a say about how things happen. The more you can be present, supportive, and nonjudgmental and refrain from being controlling, the more likely she is to open up to a closer relationship in the future. And if there are grandkids, you can have a fresh start.
Help! My Daughter Is Marrying a White Man Against My Wishes.
Anyway, a father who's largely been in absent in his daughter's life, finds out his daughter is getting married, so he hops on a plane to go meet the guy. I won't spoil the fun, but the response from "Prudence", I think, is a wonderful little bitch slap to the advice seeker. I doubt they'll have the balls, but I'd love to see IM2 and Paul Essien opine on this, for reasons which will fairly obvious.
Mildly long; enjoy:
Dear Prudence:
Recently, I learned that my adult daughter was getting married within the year. I was surprised to learn this because I knew nothing of her dating anyone, let alone seriously enough that marriage was in the near future. Iāll admit my daughter and I are not as close as we could be, not since her mother and I divorced when she was a preteen and I moved out of state. Our contact was more limited after I remarried, but I still thought she would inform me of her beau. I arranged a trip to go visit her and see him in person. I was taken aback to learn her fiancĆ© is a white man; she is black. I didnāt say anything at the time, but after I left and thought about it, I felt I should talk to her about it. While the man seemed nice enough, I felt she didnāt know what she was getting herself into.
I gave her a call and expressed my concerns, trying to make sure I wasnāt being judgmental. However, my daughter became angry and argued it wasnāt my business since Iām not a part of her life. She also said that if I didnāt agree with this, she could comment on my marrying a younger woman while forgetting about her growing up. She hung up and later sent a text telling me that I was perfectly free to skip the wedding if I felt so strongly about it. She even went as far as to say that if I had been a better example of a black man, she might not have gone for my āphysical opposite.ā Honestly, I largely donāt want to go to the wedding not only because I donāt approve of the relationship but her disrespectful attitude. Iām worried that if I donāt, though, itāll solidify a strained relationship. What should I do?
ā Hurt but Concerned
Dear Hurt,
My advice boils down to this: Stay in your lane. And the name of the lane is: Absentee father.
A lot of people would say one of the problems here is that you care about her fiancĆ©ās race at all. But I donāt agree. I can see a Black father who is close to his daughter reasonably saying, āOh wow, heās white? Just checking, how does he feel about raising Black children? Have you two talked about what youāll do when racism inevitably rears its head in your lives? What has he said about how his relatives will treat you?ā In that sense, I donāt think itās totally inappropriate to express concern. But itās a weird thing to do if you havenāt shown the same kind of care about other issues in your daughterās life. I also think itās strange that you brought it up after having a chance to meet the guy, feel out his vibes, ask him questions and get to know who he was as a whole person, not just a white person. Taking all that together, Iām not at all surprised that sheās upset by the combination of your absence in your life (which has obviously hurt her) and your misguided comments.
I have to add that I also find it off-putting that as soon as you found out there was a man in her life, you hopped on a plane, especially if you didnāt do the same when she started college, got her first job, moved into an apartment, or celebrated other milestones when she might have appreciated your presence. To suddenly perk up and engage when marriage is on the table suggests a sense of ownership rather than a true interest in her wellbeing.
The way forward is to apologize for overstepping and assure her that you would love to attend the wedding if she can forgive you. If she accepts, ask yourself if you can be comfortable with a role in her wedding that matches the role youāve had in her life so far: Someone whoās happy for her but isnāt one of the main characters in her story and isnāt entitled to a say about how things happen. The more you can be present, supportive, and nonjudgmental and refrain from being controlling, the more likely she is to open up to a closer relationship in the future. And if there are grandkids, you can have a fresh start.
Help! My Daughter Is Marrying a White Man Against My Wishes.
