Anyone else grieving?

[ricechickie]

I lost my husband in November 2015. Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently? Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.

Anyway, I guess I felt like sharing.

 

[yiostheoy]

I lost my husband in November 2015. Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently? Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.

Anyway, I guess I felt like sharing.

I'm sorry for your loss, ricechickie .

I lost my dad a few years ago. it was painful because he was my idol. I wanted him to live into his 90's like his sister had but he was just not as healthy as she was.

You just have to cry it out and get it over with.

Eventually you will get used to it.

We are all mortal and nobody lives forever.

All you can do is accept it.

In your case women usually outlive their men anyway.

In my fraternity however we also have several old men who have outlived their wives.

I believe life is a gift and when/if God gives you more life than someone else then it is just a gift.

Enjoy the gift.

You will need to get used to being single again. That will be difficult but you can do it because plenty of others have.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[ricechickie]

He was my first big loss. I am definitely getting through. I am finally just getting adjusted to being alone. Yes, that's taken almost a year and a half.

 

[ricechickie]

One of the last coherent things he said was that I should go on and be happy. I hang onto that. I have no shame in enjoying my life. That was gift he gave me.

 

[emilynghiem]

I lost two community members close to me.
One who was a fellow parody writer/Democrat here in the USMB community.
A very rare combination and very rare charming old Gentleman who was also a Vet.

And a community leader in my home district
who also served as the local Democratic Precinct Chair.

Just getting to the age where I'm going to outlive my mentors
and older peers, and see more of them drop off before it's my turn.

I'm an 80s kid, graduated from high school and then college in 1984 and 1988.
So I'm going to start losing more and more of my teachers and mentors
who are 10 - 20 years older.

 

[emilynghiem]

He was my first big loss. I am definitely getting through. I am finally just getting adjusted to being alone. Yes, that's taken almost a year and a half.

Dear ricechickie I would be lost without my honey.
Bless you and you are doing great to make it that first year.
Wow. You are very brave and I admire you.

This has to be harder than losing a parent. With other family,
the first two years are hardest, if you can make it to 5 you can make it to 10.

I think I would just want to give up and not do anything if I lost my honey.

 

[ricechickie]

My husband was 12 years older. We had 20 years together. I am not the age where women usually lose their husbands, but he was quite ill for some years, so it wasn't a complete shock. I thought I had another decade.

 

[yiostheoy]

He was my first big loss. I am definitely getting through. I am finally just getting adjusted to being alone. Yes, that's taken almost a year and a half.

Dear ricechickie I would be lost without my honey.
Bless you and you are doing great to make it that first year.
Wow. You are very brave and I admire you.

This has to be harder than losing a parent. With other family,
the first two years are hardest, if you can make it to 5 you can make it to 10.

I think I would just want to give up and not do anything if I lost my honey.

I have been told by others that losing a child is the worst thing.

So obviously military families who lose their sons or daughters have the worst grief from it.

But grief is grief.

Grief comes from losing something that you love.

I would cry now if I lost my cat. I love my cat.

I would cry if I lost my sister too. Or my niece. I love them too.

In Greek there are 3 kids of love. Unselfish love is the highest of these. They are usually reserved for our children. You cannot replace children.

 

[Marion Morrison]

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[yiostheoy]

My husband was 12 years older. We had 20 years together. I am not the age where women usually lose their husbands, but he was quite ill for some years, so it wasn't a complete shock. I thought I had another decade.

That was the same way I felt with my dad. His death caught me completely unprepared and by surprise.

Crying was the only way to deal with it.

 

[yiostheoy]

I lost two community members close to me.
One who was a fellow parody writer/Democrat here in the USMB community.
A very rare combination and very rare charming old Gentleman who was also a Vet.

And a community leader in my home district
who also served as the local Democratic Precinct Chair.

Just getting to the age where I'm going to outlive my mentors
and older peers, and see more of them drop off before it's my turn.

I'm an 80s kid, graduated from high school and then college in 1984 and 1988.
So I'm going to start losing more and more of my teachers and mentors
who are 10 - 20 years older.

So I am a little over 10 years older than you emilynghiem and most of my teachers and older relatives are gone now. Many of my friends from high school and college did not survive long.

Cancer and accidents have killed most of them. Even young people with cancer -- very odd.

I really miss my college professors who are all mostly gone now. They each framed my thinking somehow even more than my parents could.

 

[ricechickie]

He was my first big loss. I am definitely getting through. I am finally just getting adjusted to being alone. Yes, that's taken almost a year and a half.

Dear ricechickie I would be lost without my honey.
Bless you and you are doing great to make it that first year.
Wow. You are very brave and I admire you.

This has to be harder than losing a parent. With other family,
the first two years are hardest, if you can make it to 5 you can make it to 10.

I think I would just want to give up and not do anything if I lost my honey.

I have been told by others that losing a child is the worst thing.

So obviously military families who lose their sons or daughters have the worst grief from it.

But grief is grief.

Grief comes from losing something that you love.

I would cry now if I lost my cat. I love my cat.

I would cry if I lost my sister too. Or my niece. I love them too.

In Greek there are 3 kids of love. Unselfish love is the highest of these. They are usually reserved for our children. You cannot replace children.

I can't even fathom losing one of my children. I think that would be harder. But grief, especially at the early months, can be hell.

Anything that dulls the pain is fair game. I have lost myself in work, then zombied in front of the tv with a drink. I'm emerging from that stage.

 

[emilynghiem]

Wow ricechickie I am trying very hard to even wrap my mind around your loss,
and relate it to someone I've lost. I've lost my dad but that took such a long time to work out
closure with my family, I don't think that compares. I lost a mentor who created a whole world
around the school where I was teaching and I lost that when I lost her.

Last year in Oct 2015 we finally had our whole job division get shut down,
which we were expecting for a few years. But still it was a shock to lose
the job I had been relying on like clockwork, and my insurance benefits,
and have to face the messes with Obamacare and how to pay the bills
and all the charity expenses on my credit cards that depended on my salary.

I am still trying to adjust and still not making it, it's still not stable.

So maybe that is a FRACTION of what you must be going through.
I just went through a partial change and it threw me off for it looks like 2 years before I stabilize.

I jumped into a temp job that kept me so busy I wouldn't miss my job I'd had for 11 years.
I would have missed my friends and decorating for Christmas, so I went and decorated
another work place and two houses for Christmas so I wouldn't feel anything missing.
I covered up pretty good, but the grief still hits later. It just didn't hit all at once.

And that's just from a job loss.
Again I can't imagine losing your husband.
Hugs to you, I think you are amazing to be able to function
and talk and share with people. I don't think I could do that.

Thanks ricechickie
I appreciate you sharing on here
and hope the benefits are mutual!

 

[yiostheoy]

One of the last coherent things he said was that I should go on and be happy. I hang onto that. I have no shame in enjoying my life. That was gift he gave me.

This is also what the King Of Sparta told his wife before he went off to war knowing he was outnumbered and going to die with his men.

It is good advice.

It is all you can do.

Since it has only been 2 years for you that is still really fresh on your mind.

It takes about 3 to 5 years to get used to it, I believe.

 

[SassyIrishLass]

I've lost three people who were very important to me and in my life, my father, my grandfather and my best friend who I grew up with from kindergarten until he fell in Iraq. Cherish the memories, the pain subsides but never truly goes away

 

[emilynghiem]

He was my first big loss. I am definitely getting through. I am finally just getting adjusted to being alone. Yes, that's taken almost a year and a half.

Dear ricechickie I would be lost without my honey.
Bless you and you are doing great to make it that first year.
Wow. You are very brave and I admire you.

This has to be harder than losing a parent. With other family,
the first two years are hardest, if you can make it to 5 you can make it to 10.

I think I would just want to give up and not do anything if I lost my honey.

I have been told by others that losing a child is the worst thing.

So obviously military families who lose their sons or daughters have the worst grief from it.

But grief is grief.

Grief comes from losing something that you love.

I would cry now if I lost my cat. I love my cat.

I would cry if I lost my sister too. Or my niece. I love them too.

In Greek there are 3 kids of love. Unselfish love is the highest of these. They are usually reserved for our children. You cannot replace children.

I can't even fathom losing one of my children. I think that would be harder. But grief, especially at the early months, can be hell.

Anything that dulls the pain is fair game. I have lost myself in work, then zombied in front of the tv with a drink. I'm emerging from that stage.

Yes, it's easy just to stick to work and routines and use that to follow along...
But when the brain is taking time out to turn conscious focus on something just to occupy and distract,
that means the unconscious mind has freedom to work on stuff.

 

[yiostheoy]

He was my first big loss. I am definitely getting through. I am finally just getting adjusted to being alone. Yes, that's taken almost a year and a half.

Dear ricechickie I would be lost without my honey.
Bless you and you are doing great to make it that first year.
Wow. You are very brave and I admire you.

This has to be harder than losing a parent. With other family,
the first two years are hardest, if you can make it to 5 you can make it to 10.

I think I would just want to give up and not do anything if I lost my honey.

I have been told by others that losing a child is the worst thing.

So obviously military families who lose their sons or daughters have the worst grief from it.

But grief is grief.

Grief comes from losing something that you love.

I would cry now if I lost my cat. I love my cat.

I would cry if I lost my sister too. Or my niece. I love them too.

In Greek there are 3 kids of love. Unselfish love is the highest of these. They are usually reserved for our children. You cannot replace children.

I can't even fathom losing one of my children. I think that would be harder. But grief, especially at the early months, can be hell.

Anything that dulls the pain is fair game. I have lost myself in work, then zombied in front of the tv with a drink. I'm emerging from that stage.

Be careful with the alcohol. it is a dangerous drug.

It can get out of control if you don't have rules.

And it can make your grief worse if you drink too much since chemically it is a depressant and already being emotionally depressed it could push you over the edge.

You definitely need to have a one drink limit per day as a woman.

 

[ricechickie]

My husband was 12 years older. We had 20 years together. I am not the age where women usually lose their husbands, but he was quite ill for some years, so it wasn't a complete shock. I thought I had another decade.

That was the same way I felt with my dad. His death caught me completely unprepared and by surprise.

Crying was the only way to deal with it.

I remember last March, suddenly having a realization that, for the first time since I lost him, I WASN'T crying in the car on my way to work. It became like part of my morning routine. Now, it just hits me sporadically. When I feel like crying, I do. No good holding it in.

 

[Pogo]

I lost my husband in November 2015. Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently? Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.

Anyway, I guess I felt like sharing.

My aunt passed away a month ago. The last of her generation (my Mom's sister). As in my Mom's case in 2011, far-flung family came from all over to honor her life. It's nothing like losing a spouse but I try to keep in touch with my cousin, her only child, for the adjustment she has.

Sympathies for your loss.

 

[yiostheoy]

My husband was 12 years older. We had 20 years together. I am not the age where women usually lose their husbands, but he was quite ill for some years, so it wasn't a complete shock. I thought I had another decade.

That was the same way I felt with my dad. His death caught me completely unprepared and by surprise.

Crying was the only way to deal with it.

I remember last March, suddenly having a realization that, for the first time since I lost him, I WASN'T crying in the car on my way to work. It became like part of my morning routine. Now, it just hits me sporadically. When I feel like crying, I do. No good holding it in.

Good. You are recovering then.

Soon it will only hurt when you see something that you dug out of a closet or drawer and it brings back the memory sharply.

Songs and smells too.

Old Spice reminds me of my dad and so I cannot stand it.

And his favorite country songs by Johnny Cash. I can't listen to them.