The Secret

Discussion in 'Writing' started by Modbert, Oct 16, 2009.

  1. Modbert
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    Modbert Daydream Believer Supporting Member

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    Edited - Modbert
     
  2. Mad Scientist
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    Mad Scientist Deplorable Gold Supporting Member Supporting Member

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    [youtube]tjl9aNLvgf0[/youtube]
     
  3. Modbert
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    Modbert Daydream Believer Supporting Member

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    How kind of you. :lol:
     
  4. random3434
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    random3434 Senior Member

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    I liked your story Rob. Good to see some youth out there using creative writing skills.
     
  5. California Girl
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    California Girl BANNED

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    Your sentence structure needs work. I had to read some a couple of times before I got what you were saying.
     
  6. Modbert
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    Modbert Daydream Believer Supporting Member

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    Thank you for reading.

    And I did say:

    :lol:
     
  7. California Girl
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    California Girl BANNED

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    I'm a professional writer.... it comes with the territory to nitpick. Otherwise your editor kicks your ass.

    *Grrrrrrrrr - Editors :evil:*
     
  8. midcan5
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    midcan5 liberal / progressive

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    Sounds like a script for "Brothers and Sisters," a show my wife watches, mostly tapes every week. I find the show depressing, all the sad faces and complexities of life. But true to life too as a major character has cancer last I saw bits of it.

    A few comments: wouldn't a wife stay and hope, seems to me that suspends my belief system too radically. Even fiction of this sort has to be believable. Why is being an atheist so bad especially in a stable marriage? And why tell the truth now, obviously for the dramatic element but why? What would all of a sudden change a character? And is he presidential material after this sudden change of heart. Only nitpicking here but building a story needs characters who are believable within the frame. All your life you worked for something and now.....
     
  9. Modbert
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    Modbert Daydream Believer Supporting Member

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    I'm glad you asked that. It isn't necessary the fact that being an Atheist is bad. And many of your other questions.

    This will hopefully answer most of your questions:

    Some Americans Reluctant to Vote for Mormon, 72-Year-Old Presidential Candidates

    And THAT is just the number of people who would admit to doing so on a poll. AND that is just the number who would not vote for him on the basis of being an Atheist. So essentially, any campaign for President would be up in smoke faster than a night with Cheech and Chong.

    As for a change of heart, guilt can be a very big thing that weighs upon honest people. And the other point I was trying to get across was that honest people just don't cut it in politics for exactly that reason.

    Again, it isn't the fact that he was any different after revealing this. It was simple that due to people's intolerance of what you belief is what made him less "qualified" as a Presidential candidate.
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2009
  10. AllieBaba
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    AllieBaba BANNED

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    Never submit your work for criticism until you've proofread it at least twice and then edited it with a meat cleaver.

    First things I noticed...green and brown eyes, in the first two sentences. Too much, no value.

    Second thing I noticed, no comma in the woman's first sentence.
    After that I wasn't interested. If you don't have the interest in editing it neither do I.

    Be ruthless, eliminate all repetitious commentary or verbage. Honestly, it looks like you're just adding adjectives for the sake of adding adjectives. Stop it unless they do something to further the plot.

    Beginning, middle, end. Edit the crap out of it and rearrange it and re-submit it. You'll get a much more positive reaction, but honestly, unless you're a very young kid, you can't expect adults to wade t hrough your product when you aren't even interested in editing it yourself.
     

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