If youre a minority and youre selected for a job over more qualified candidates youre a "token hire." If youre a conservative and youre selected for a job over more qualified candidates youre a "game changer." If you live in an Urban area and you get a girl pregnant youre a "baby daddy." If youre the same in Alaska youre a "teen father." (Actually, according to your own MySpace page youre an Fn redneck that dont want any kids, but thats too long a phrase for the evil liberal media to take out of context and flog morning noon and night). Black teen pregnancies? A "crisis" in black America. White teen pregnancies? A "blessed event." If you grow up in Hawaii youre "exotic." Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, youre the quintessential "American story." Similarly, if you name you kid Barack youre "unpatriotic." Name your kid Track, youre "colorful." If youre a Democrat and you make a VP pick without fulling vetting the individual youre "reckless." A Republican who doesnt fully vet is a "maverick." If you say that for the "first time in my adult lifetime Im really proud of my country" it makes you "unfit" to be First Lady. If you are a registered member of a fringe political group that advocates secession that makes you "First Dude." A DUI from twenty years ago is "old news." A speech given without proper citation from twenty years ago is "relevant information." If youre a man and you decide to run for office despite your wifes reoccurrence of cancer youre a "questionable spouse." If youre a woman and you decide to run for office despite having five kids including a newborn with Downs Syndrome Well, we dont know what that is cause THATS NOT A FAIR QUESTION TO ASK! If you get 18 million people to vote for you in a national presidential primary, youre a "phoney." Get 100,000+ people to vote you governor of the 47th most populous state in the Union, youre "well loved." If you are biracial and born in a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs darn near 2 years and 3 major speeches to "get to know you." If youre white and from a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs 36 minutes and 38 seconds worth of an acceptance speech to know youre "one of us." If you give your wife a dap on stage, its actually a "terrorist fist jab." If your daughter licks her palm so that she can slick down your youngest childs hair on national TV its an "adorable moment." (Seriously, forget about abstinence only, teach these folks some grooming skills). If your pastor rails against inequality in the United States of America, youre an "extremist." If your pastor welcomes a sermon by a member of Jews for Jesus who preaches that the killing of Jews by terrorists is a lesson to Jews that they must convert to Christianity, youre a "fundamentalist." If youre a black man and you use a scholarship to get into college, then work your way up to being the president of the Harvard Law Review, youre "uppity." If youre a conservative and your parents pay your way to Hawaii Pacific University . . . you only have four more schools to attend over the next five years before you somehow manage to graduate (it might be five more school over the next five years. No one has yet verified whether or not Palin was actually ever registered at the University of Hawaii at Hilo. But, you know how shady people are who ever attended any kind of school in Hawaii). If you spend 18 months building a campaign around the theme of "Change," its just "empty rhetoric." If one week before your partys national convention you SUDDENLY make your candidacy about "Change," thats "red meat."