Stupid things

[Johnney]

No. Because they're usually too lazy to lift them high enough.

well id at least lay on the couch so you could vaccuum around me properly :gross2:

 

[Shattered]

Look, Ladies! A TRUE gentleman! Get in line - this one should go on the bidding block!

 

[Merlin1047]

This is for you, Merlin.

*What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.

*What do you call a man who expects sex on the second date?

Slow

*How does a man help with housework?

He lifts his feet while you vaccuum.

*How does a man keep his youth?

By giving her furs & diamonds.

Okay, I'll help - here ya go

Q. Why do men have trouble making eye contact when talking to a woman?

A. Breasts don't have eyes.


Q. Why does a woman need a man?

A. A vibrator can't mow the lawn.


Q. Why does a female praying mantis kill her mate right after sex?

A. To stop the snoring before it starts.


Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 200 pounds of ugly fat?

A. Divorced.


Q. Why don't women blink during sex?

A. There isn't time.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Okay, flip side:

Q. Why does a woman have no need for a watch?

A. There's a clock on the oven.


Q. Why do they call it PMS?

A. Because mad cow disease was already taken.


Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?

A. Lipstick.


Q. Why has no woman astronaut ever gone to the moon?

A. It doesn't need cleaning.

 

[Joz]

Q. What do you give a man who has everything?

A. A woman to show him how to use it.

Q. Why do men whistle while sittting on the toilet?

A. So he can remember which end to wipe.

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?

A. They're all pigs.

Q. What do you know instantly about a well-dressed man?

A. His wife knows how to pick out clothes.

Q. How can you tell when a man's well hung?

A. When you can barely get your finger between his neck & the rope.

 

[Merlin1047]

At least I gave equal time to both sides. Well no more mister nice guy.


Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.


Q. Why do married men live longer?
A. They don't. It just seems that way.


Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. So they can stand closer to the sink.


Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."


I married Miss Right. - I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Ad in local newspaper: FOR SALE: Brand new 30 book set of Compton encyclopedias. Never used. Reason for selling - books no longer needed. Got married. Wife knows everything.

 

[Said1]

At least I gave equal time to both sides. Well no more mister nice guy.


Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.


Q. Why do married men live longer?
A. They don't. It just seems that way.


Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. So they can stand closer to the sink.


Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."


I married Miss Right. - I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Ad in local newspaper: FOR SALE: Brand new 30 book set of Compton encyclopedias. Never used. Reason for selling - books no longer needed. Got married. Wife knows everything.

No wait. :chains:

 

[Merlin1047]

No wait. :chains:

Typical female.


:dev1: :

 

[Avatar4321]

Typical female.


:dev1: :

Yeah, they dont know how to use power tools without injurying someone

 

[Said1]

Typical female.


:dev1: :

You love me, admit it.

 

[Said1]

Yeah, they dont know how to use power tools without injurying someone

You love me too. :spank3:

 

[Avatar4321]

You love me too. :spank3:

I thought our activities the other night were confidential

 

[Joz]

Q. Why is a husband like a lawn mower?

A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, & half the time they don't work.

Q. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?

A. Close the door.

Q. Why do men get married?

A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.

Q. What is the most commom cause of hearing loss in men?

A. When a woman says she wants to talk.

Q. How can you tell a man's happy?

A. Who cares.

 

[Merlin1047]

Q. What do women and guns have in common?

A. Keep either one around long enough and you're gonna to want to shoot it.


Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

My wife and I are inseparable.
In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Top ten answers I always wanted to give to women but never have (and had to keep on dealing with an acute sense of repression of my true nature).
(note - I have deleted a few because some went beyond being a joke to just being outright insulting)

10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.
9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, it's all the pizzas and chocolate you eat that make you actually fat.
8. Of course I'll call you. When I need to have sex again.
7. No, I wont be gentle.
5. Well yes, actually, I do this all the time. (After breaking wind)
3. No, you will never see me again after tonight.
1. Foreplay? I don't even know how to spell the word.

 

[Joz]

Things you REALLY SHOULDN'T say to a Naked man.

1. Are you cold?
2. But, it still works, right?
3. You know they have surgery to fix that.
4. This explains your car.
5. Wow, and your feet are so big.

 

[Merlin1047]

Q. What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A. A whine and cheese party.


I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?



Understanding a Woman


We need. . . . . REALLY MEANS . . . . .I want

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You want. . . . . REALLY MEANS. . . . . .I want

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's your decision. . . . . REALLY MEANS. . . . .The correct decision should be obvious by now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We need to talk. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . . I need to complain

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do what you want. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . . .You'll pay for this later.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're ... so manly. . . . . REALLY MEANS. . . . . You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sure... go ahead. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .I don't want you to.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not upset. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .Of course I'm upset, you moron!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're certainly attentive tonight. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .Is sex all you ever think about?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!. . . . . . REALLY MEANS. . . . . .I'm on my period.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Be romantic, turn out the lights. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .I'm Embarrassed

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This kitchen is so inconvenient. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .I want a new house.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You have to learn to communicate. . . . . . . REALLY MEANS. . . . . . Just agree with me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .No

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .No

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .No

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I heard a noise. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .I noticed you were almost asleep.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you love me?. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .I'm going to ask for something expensive.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How much do you love me?. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .I did something you're not going to like.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll be ready in a minute. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .Be patient I'll be a while.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Am I a little fat?. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .Tell me I'm beautiful.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sorry. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .You'll be sorry.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you like this recipe?. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .It's easy to fix, so get used to it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Was that the baby?. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not yelling!. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All we're going to buy is a soap dish. . . . . .REALLY MEANS. . . . . .Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?

 

[Joz]

I have to concede to you, Merlin. I have a few more, but there's no way I can top this last post. I'm STILL laughing. My hat off to you.

 

[Merlin1047]

I have to concede to you, Merlin. I have a few more, but there's no way I can top this last post. I'm STILL laughing. My hat off to you.

Thank God!!!!!

I was one post away from begging for mercy.

 

[Shattered]

Thank God!!!!!

I was one post away from begging for mercy.

:rotflmao: