Something To Offend Everyone

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Johnney, Apr 5, 2004.

  1. Johnney
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    Johnney Senior Member

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    What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
    Juan on Juan.

    What is a Yankee?
    The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

    What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
    The position of the dirt bag.

    Why is divorce so expensive?
    Because it's worth it.

    What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
    One US leader.

    What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
    Doughnuts.

    Why is air a lot like sex?
    Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

    Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
    Because Janet Reno is her real father.

    What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
    100 people who don't do dick.

    What do attorneys use for birth control?
    Their personalities.

    What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    Through his chest with a sharp knife.

    Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can't stand criticism.

    What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

    A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
    The blonde, because she's 18.

    Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
    Because they have cotton balls.

    Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
    Mace will do that to you.

    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don't have eyes.

    Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
    Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

    What's the Cuban National Anthem?
    "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

    Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
    A different bar.

    What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
    They're hiring.

    What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
    A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

    How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

    What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
    southern fairytale?

    A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

    Why is there no Disneyland in China?
    No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
     
  2. jon_forward
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    jon_forward Active Member

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    :clap: :clap: :clap:
     
  3. Aquarian
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    Aquarian Member

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    some good ones there :cof:

    here's a couple from my 'i'm going to hell collection' of tasteless jokes:

    What's better than winning a gold medal in the special olympics?
    Not being retarded..

    How many Attention Deficit Disorder kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Lets ride bikes!!

    Why don't people like eating vegetables?
    The wheelchair gets in the way

    What's helen keller's favorite color?
    corduroy
     
  4. Said1
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    Said1 VIP Member

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    Hahaha...you're evil...hahaha....no really, that's not funny..hahaha
    :D
     
  5. KLSuddeth
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    KLSuddeth Guest

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    and welcome to my life of an ADHD kid that Im homeschooling....God help me lol - as well as a hyper husband who doesnt know how to relax. No wonder Im always a nervous wreck LOL

    :cof:
     
  6. jon_forward
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    jon_forward Active Member

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    in a word....VALIUM if that dont work Thorazen:D
     
  7. janeeng
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    janeeng Guest

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    And I thought I was the only one with a kid that has this! :( such a bummer! I know EXACTLY what your going through there KL!

    BTW - great jokes, quite funny!:clap1:
     
  8. KLSuddeth
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    KLSuddeth Guest

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    My son was hyper even in-utero lol

    It is calming down somewhat in the last few months...thank god.
    When he was between 2-5 years of age, I didnt think that I would make it. lol

    DK on the other hand, will never grow out of the hyper thing....tapping his foot, drumming his fingers...doing 20 things at once... etc etc

    DRIVES ME UP THE DAMNED WALL! lol
    ;)
     
  9. janeeng
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    janeeng Guest

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    HAHAAHAH!!! that's funny!

    Well, my son is 10 and still can't sit still! I just hope this ends SOON, hopefully with the situation different here, maybe things will get better!
     
  10. jon_forward
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    jon_forward Active Member

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    some of us can multi-task, just not what is always wanted at that time...:D didnt they used to just say we were a nervous person???
     

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