I'd met OJ Simpson while shopping at the store. He was buying 2 pounds of turkey breast and was asking the butcher to slice it. I asked him, "OJ, why are asking the butcher to cut up your turkey breast, when it appears to me that you enjoy slicing up your own white meat?" I'd met Woody Allen the other day. I told him that I always wanted to be like him, but I couldn't so I did the next best thing. He'd said, "What? You became an actor?". I said, "No, I'd married my sister!" I met Martha Stewart the other day; we'd discussed her prison experience. She said that her only regret was that she didn't have five tons of lettuce. I was confused so I asked her, "Why would you want five tons of lettuce?". She said,"Because everytime I asked them what they wanted to eat, they responded with requests for me to toss their salads". I met Michael Jackson at the Wal-Mart the other day. I was confused, so I asked him,"Michael, I understand that you have financial difficulties, but why shop at a Wal-Mart?" He responded, "Because I'd heard that there were kids pants half off here." I'd met Scott Peterson the other day; I was talking to him while he was in prison. He was asking for marital advice. He'd asked me where I would take my wife for a vacation. I said,"On a cruise, but with one condition, she'll take shower before we leave". He was confused so he asked,"Why would you tell her to do that?". I said, "Because It'll guarantee that she won't eventually wash up on shore!" I know I'm going to hell. But if I'm going there, I'm going there driving a fuel truck! Send me you best sick jokes!