Poem

Discussion in 'Writing' started by Terry, Aug 11, 2009.

  1. Terry
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    Terry Shut the $%$ Up!

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    I need honest feed back on this one.







    Lake, deviously warm


    Sun’s glare awakens,


    croon of birds whisper


    sharp, through shivering air



    All are calm, slowly


    rebelling the nature of


    ripple



    Their eyes locked


    with Apollonian glare


    Mine are cold, burn



    My inversion swallowed


    The calm water speaks



    Still blind to my presence



    Ah, finally I see all are


    much better with chaos


    Blind to my fluttering kick


    Above the chained ripple



    Passing me by


    I wonder how to be born



    They pass, still,


    without any ripple


    but mine



    My eyes failing to drink


    Thus breathing in the cold bubble



    Will anyone ever


    come more slowly?


    A nudge will do



    Great sensual taste


    Salty becoming


    death



    Why everyone flutters


    just as I


    My world of shame


    for all to see



    Still no nudge


    Still I flutter


    for all to see



    Feet dry, ears filled to the brim


    Oh, death’s ditty


    full of thumps and bubble



    Again blind, perfect under chaos


    Many nudges my way



    Many ripples too



    A calm restores


    Rock ties me to shore



    The wolf nibbles


    My mortal


    a tasteless appetizer
     
  2. midcan5
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    midcan5 liberal / progressive

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    I read a water poem
    about inarticulate nature
    and how the sensuality
    of life, its tastes,
    its smells, its being
    filled the author
    with awe but
    somehow the mix of images
    the combination of adjectives
    light sound feeling death beauty
    confused me.


    What were you aiming at here? The combinations are a bit odd to my ear but I liked the words.
     
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  3. Terry
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    Terry Shut the $%$ Up!

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    I didn't write this I should have stated that first off. A dear friend did, and he writes poems all the time. He is Military and got a dear john letter from his wife. I suppose that's why you are confused as I was. I wanted someone else to verify what I thought because frankly I wasn't sure...Now I am. Gosh I'm just not being clear and concise either.
     
  4. xotoxi
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    xotoxi Platinum Member

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    Very well written.

    It sound like it is written from the perspective of someone who is drowning in the presense of people who are not aware that they are drowning.

    Is the author profoundly depressed, perchance?
     
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  5. Terry
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    Terry Shut the $%$ Up!

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    As I stated he is currently serving in the Military station overseas (Middle East) and he got a dear John letter from his wife. So yes he was depressed and reflective.
     
  6. xotoxi
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    xotoxi Platinum Member

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    Oh...I didn't see the part about the letter.

    I could see how that situation would make one feel like one was drowning.
     
  7. Terry
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    Terry Shut the $%$ Up!

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    Then again all his poems are rather on the dark side. A lot like Jim Morrison was.
     
  8. xotoxi
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    xotoxi Platinum Member

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    He is good with the imagery.
     
  9. Terry
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    Terry Shut the $%$ Up!

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    I told him he should gather all his works (15 years worth) and get them published. He doesn't think they are good enough. I think they are, this one isn't his best by far...because he was depressed when he wrote it. Most others he is just chilling listening to music as he writes...kind of in a zone.

    He shares them with me all the time and frankly some I have no idea what to say to him because they are so dark. I did say once...Are you ok? LOL

    He laughed and said, "It's like writing music, it's not really me...its like a nonfiction writer."
     
  10. Terry
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    Terry Shut the $%$ Up!

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    OMG, he just emailed me another....here it is...damn!

    Rumble noise aches my head
    Rocks drift under my feet
    always giving birth
    to old dust
    Just as the sun brings
    heat to day
    ever so soft my thoughts
    of Eden dance with a sigh
    Crucifix of love, so
    Ending my right for it
    Love does not know me
    Troubled cause,
    no roof for sin
    Eyes blind to woman
    Love, an atom of parts
    Never really knowing until
    all the rocks
    drift from my walk
    My walk to the
    longing asylum alone
    Never loved by woman
     

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