Old fart jokes...

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Huh?, Oct 22, 2009.

  1. Huh?

    Huh? leave this space blank

    Sep 17, 2009
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    Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs doing nothing.

    One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

    The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."

    The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

    The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

    After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"


    Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale , reminiscing.

    The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

    The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper too, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny apiece.

    The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."


    A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

    A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

    After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

    He replies, "I lived here years ago."

    "So, where were you all these years?"

    "In prison," he says.

    "Why did they put you in prison?"

    He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."

    "Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single...?"


    Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse. The two were at the same table, seated across from one another. As the meal progressed, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will!"

    The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

    Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

    He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."


    A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect."

    "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

    "Twelve thirty."


    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to his doctor in Estero to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

    After a couple of days, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

    "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful'," Morris replied.

    To which the doctor replied, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'"


    A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper,' an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

    The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

    "No," he replied, "hemorrhoids."

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