Obese Americans Threaten To Overwhelm Chocolate New Orleans!!! Controversial remarks made by New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin have once again placed the beleaguered city on a collision course with disaster. In a statement issued Monday, Nagin said, Its time for us to rebuild a New Orleans, the one that should be. A chocolate New Orleans. And I dont care what people are saying uptown or wherever they are, this city will be chocolate at the end of the day. Within hours, thousands of overweight Americans were crowding highways leading into the devastated city, stressing already tenuous roadbeds and threatening to accelerate the gradual sinking which has steadily increased the citys vulnerability to flooding for over a century. Unable to cope with the inflow, Nagin has ordered a mandatory confiscation of all Mardi Gras beads, in a desperate bid to quell the possibility of any drunken excess on the part of the army of 300+ lb. visitors. Of course were worried about balcony collapses, said a spokesman for Nagin. But beyond that if a significant number of beads should hit the streets, were not sure we have the medical facilities- or the optometrists and crisis counsellors- to deal with the consequences. A special team of soils experts sent by the Army Corps of Engineers to try and calculate the increased loads on the already saturated ground departed from the city early Tuesday morning, declaring the city safe after receiving bulging, unmarked envelopes from city officials. Meanwhile, public health officials are trying to warn hungry visitors that the thick brown film covering much of the city is NOT chocolate. We find them lying two and three deep, clutching their distended stomachs in agony, and nearby- telltale bite marks on the quoins of historic structures. The sheer human tragedy is almost more than one can bear.