WASHINTON, D.C. In an astonishing 5-4 desicion today, the Supreme Court ruled that churches do not qualify as tax exempt organizations. In addition, offerings to churches are no longer tax deductable. This is paired with another ruling declaring that roads count as public land, and therefore cannot be used by any religious organization, as defined by the Supreme Court. As Justice Stevens stated in when questioned, "The Constitution clearly states that Congress shall respect no religion. It's just our job to show the American people what it really means. This is really a victory for the Constitution." Justice Kennedy was quoted as saying, "Eh, I just flipped this coin, really." When pointed that the coin was double-sided, he said, "Huh, that's wierd. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that it landed on edge 666 times before it finally landed on a side. It might also explain the sulfer smell." The remaining three judges could not be reached for comment, but through a telephoto lens, were seen in deliberations for their next case. Two justices had their hands on what appeared to be a Ouiji board while the third was shaking what analysts believe to be a "magic 8-ball." Lead council for the plaintiff stated for the press, "This is a perfect victory on a perfect, cloudless, day, for religious freedom across this nation. That ought to put those oppressive bible-thumpers in their pl-" The attorney was then struck by 490 (70 times 7) consecutive bolts of lightning that scientists have attributed to anomolous capacitence in a human being accompanied by cosmic electron bombardment. When reached for comment, justice Scalia merely stated, "I should be shocked and surprised by this decision, but I'm really not." On a totally unrelated note, the same seismic activity detected in the tombs of the founding fathers after the New London decision repeated itself. Investigation has indicated that the bodies have rotated several times within their caskets. No evidence that they had previously been opened was found.