Monopoly-Slayer: A Family Night Mystery

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Abishai100, Sep 4, 2018.

  1. Abishai100

    Abishai100 VIP Member

    Sep 22, 2013
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    Americans love capitalism-folklore, and this crime-story parody is inspired by Brewster's Millions.

    Signing off,



    An American family living in the suburbs of New Jersey (USA), comprised of a mother and father and two children (a boy and a girl of 10 and 12 years-of-age), loved the Planet of the Apes apocalyptic sci-fi film franchise about entire planets ruled by fictional super-intelligent monkeys/apes who sometimes reigned over humans. This family, the Donners, believed that the sci-fi film franchise captured a species fascination with macro-governance and etiquette and wondered how the storylines from the franchise reflected an American fascination with capitalism-based rituals and games such as Super Bowl ads and the real-estate board-game Monopoly (Parker Brothers).

    The Donner father was Matthew; his wife, Jane; their two children Evan and Angelina. Matthew decided that every Saturday night, the family would watch a Planet of the Apes franchise film and then play a game of Monopoly (Parker Brothers). One night, after Evan handedly defeated his father Matthew in a game of Monopoly, Matthew snapped in a fit of jealous rage. Matthew decided to purchase a chainsaw from Home Depot the next day and the following Saturday night, when the Donners sat at home watching another Planet of the Apes franchise film, Matthew yanked out his chainsaw and decapitated his entire family. He then fled to Canada.


    After Matthew established a new residence and life in Toronto, Canada, he changed his name to Edward and began work at a French bakery where he met a gorgeous French-Canadian fashion-model named Christine who was doing a special runway shoot for a Christian Dior clothing line that autumn. Edward began dating Christine and engaged in a torrid love affair. Christine found Edward's sense of social curiosity and wit very interesting, and Edward found Christine to be simply irresistible. Edward never told Christine about his murderous past, and every now and then, the two would watch a Planet of the Apes franchise film, and Edward would ask Christine to wear a sexy masquerade-mask while they watched the movie. Edward had become a clandestine 'prince of darkness.'


    After one year, Edward decided to blog on the Internet and invite readers to play an online interactive Monopoly (Parker Brothers) game with him. He'd tell the participants that if he lost, he'd buy the winner a bottle of champagne online and mail it to their residence. He then visited the homes he'd send the board-game to and murder them. Canadian authorities labelled these killings as the enigmatic 'Online Stalkings,' since all the victims had recently received packages in the mail before being ritualistically murdered. Edward was now officially the 'real' prince of darkness.


    TRUMP: I wonder if they'll catch this 'online stalker.'
    CARTER: He's worse than the ominous Craigslist-killer...
    TRUMP: Does the FBI offer any leads?
    CARTER: No, not really, Mr. President!
    TRUMP: Maybe the killings are performed by multiple individuals.
    CARTER: Actually, Canadian police believe it's one single killer.
    TRUMP: I bet this psycho's gloating and is even dating some gorgeous fashion-model.
    CARTER: Wouldn't that be strange?
    TRUMP: Modern civilization is fraught with 'monkeys,' Carter!
    CARTER: Are you a fan of the Planet of the Apes film-series?
    TRUMP: Yes, I like the new ones too starring Mark Wahlberg, James Franco, and Gary Oldman.
    CARTER: I prefer the original ones starring Charlton Heston, Roddy McDowall, and Kim Hunter.
    TRUMP: Anyways, if they catch this 'online stalker,' it'd make for great crime-story material!
    CARTER: I'm sure the FBI is assisting in every way...
    TRUMP: Yes, their help may be needed, since the killer might be travelling across the border.
    CARTER: Maybe he's actually American!
    TRUMP: Let's hope now...
    CARTER: Can I entice you to play a game of Monopoly (Parker Brothers), sir?
    TRUMP: Yeah, sure; don't kill me.



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