- Sep 22, 2013
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This short Star Wars fan-fic I wrote is in honor of the recent film Rogue One.
Why does Star Wars remind me of Starbucks?
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Darth Vader, black-helmeted and black-suited supreme commander of the Sith empire and first knight of the evil Emperor Palpatine, was given the special mission to design a race of robotic creatures that would serve as 'philosophical diplomats' of the existence of darkness and death. Vader meditated in his special egg-shaped think-tank chamber and commissioned his engineers to create a host of robotic Praying Mantis insects with special mind-reading antennae that enabled the crawling predatory creatures to sense the spiritual weakness of its targets and prey on them. Vader called his 'bugs' (Robotic Mantidae) the Army of Fear.
The Army of Fear was released onto a rebel planet inhabited by beings not officially allied to the Jedi resistance against Palpatine but certainly involved in anti-empire activities such as goods-smuggling. The robotic bugs quickly crawled all over the rebel planet (called Nibor) and analyzed the fears and weaknesses of all its inhabitants --- fears of poor harvests, ghosts, taxation rate spikes, barbarian invasions, etc. Vader's bugs then created holographic images (with their special holography eye devices) of the manifestation of the fears of the beings on Nibor.
A special delegation of Jedis were sent to Vader to request for mercy for the beings on Nibor, since the Niborians were literally jittery seeing live images of their fears projected onto the night sky by Vader's bugs, the 'Army of Fear.' Vader explained coldly, "If the Niborians understand that the Empire has full range of monitoring capabilities of all their irrational and rational fears, they will know to submit to Palpatine for their own welfare!" The Jedis demanded that a democratic council be put in place on Nibor to make sure that the Niborians felt assured that things were being done to address all their fears and worries. The Jedis also demanded that Palpatine honor the legacy of the pro-capitalism work of former U.S. President Donald Trump (owner of a casino by the Atlantic Ocean)!
Vader conceded to the Jedi demands but kept his Army of Fear on Nibor. He then sent reports and videos of the activities of his robotic bugs to various planets across the galaxy, so Palpatine's dominion would be secured. Meanwhile, Vader's son, Luke Skywalker, was being trained by the ghostly spirit of Vader's own former Jedi mentor Ben to challenge the dominion of the Empire on Nibor. Ben watched as Luke grew up believing in the power of the Force and the potential for true redemption across the universe. As Vader sat in his chamber, sipping on his Starbucks coffee in glee, one of Palpatine's admirals informed him, "Sir, a Jedi delegation wants to make a movie about sparse anti-Palpatine rebellions across the galaxy to promote 'democratic dialogue,' and they're calling the movie The Army of Fear!"
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Why does Star Wars remind me of Starbucks?
====
Darth Vader, black-helmeted and black-suited supreme commander of the Sith empire and first knight of the evil Emperor Palpatine, was given the special mission to design a race of robotic creatures that would serve as 'philosophical diplomats' of the existence of darkness and death. Vader meditated in his special egg-shaped think-tank chamber and commissioned his engineers to create a host of robotic Praying Mantis insects with special mind-reading antennae that enabled the crawling predatory creatures to sense the spiritual weakness of its targets and prey on them. Vader called his 'bugs' (Robotic Mantidae) the Army of Fear.
The Army of Fear was released onto a rebel planet inhabited by beings not officially allied to the Jedi resistance against Palpatine but certainly involved in anti-empire activities such as goods-smuggling. The robotic bugs quickly crawled all over the rebel planet (called Nibor) and analyzed the fears and weaknesses of all its inhabitants --- fears of poor harvests, ghosts, taxation rate spikes, barbarian invasions, etc. Vader's bugs then created holographic images (with their special holography eye devices) of the manifestation of the fears of the beings on Nibor.
A special delegation of Jedis were sent to Vader to request for mercy for the beings on Nibor, since the Niborians were literally jittery seeing live images of their fears projected onto the night sky by Vader's bugs, the 'Army of Fear.' Vader explained coldly, "If the Niborians understand that the Empire has full range of monitoring capabilities of all their irrational and rational fears, they will know to submit to Palpatine for their own welfare!" The Jedis demanded that a democratic council be put in place on Nibor to make sure that the Niborians felt assured that things were being done to address all their fears and worries. The Jedis also demanded that Palpatine honor the legacy of the pro-capitalism work of former U.S. President Donald Trump (owner of a casino by the Atlantic Ocean)!
Vader conceded to the Jedi demands but kept his Army of Fear on Nibor. He then sent reports and videos of the activities of his robotic bugs to various planets across the galaxy, so Palpatine's dominion would be secured. Meanwhile, Vader's son, Luke Skywalker, was being trained by the ghostly spirit of Vader's own former Jedi mentor Ben to challenge the dominion of the Empire on Nibor. Ben watched as Luke grew up believing in the power of the Force and the potential for true redemption across the universe. As Vader sat in his chamber, sipping on his Starbucks coffee in glee, one of Palpatine's admirals informed him, "Sir, a Jedi delegation wants to make a movie about sparse anti-Palpatine rebellions across the galaxy to promote 'democratic dialogue,' and they're calling the movie The Army of Fear!"
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