Law and Order

Discussion in 'Humor' started by random3434, Jul 8, 2009.

  1. random3434
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    random3434 Senior Member

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    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
    :lol:

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you sh---ing me?
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    W ITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    __________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work ...
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on20dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
     
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  2. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this police officer. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

    Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

    A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

    Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

    A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

    Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

    A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

    Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

    A: "Yes sir, we do! "

    Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

    A: "Yes sir, I do."

    Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

    A: "Yes sir."

    Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

    A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
     
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  3. RodISHI
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    RodISHI Gold Member

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    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
    :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2:

    All good ones thank you both.

    True story;

    Talking to attorney on the phone telling him what I need. He says, can't help you right now get _______ to help. I ask why. Well I am defending a murder case in _______ and too busy with that at the moment. I ask, well is he guilty. My friend says, not yet.....:lol: and I start laughing too.
     
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  4. Baruch Menachem
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    Baruch Menachem '

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    What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?



    One is a scum sucking bottom feeder

    and the other one



    is a fish
     
  5. xotoxi
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    xotoxi Platinum Member

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    Is this the collective works of Jillian?

    :lol:
     
  6. eagleseven
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    eagleseven Quod Erat Demonstrandum

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    Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
    A: The lawyer charges more.
     

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