Jokes to 15

Discussion in 'Humor' started by GigiBowman, Oct 21, 2008.

  1. GigiBowman
    Offline

    GigiBowman Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2008
    Messages:
    947
    Thanks Received:
    157
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Ratings:
    +157
    Two Cows


    Democrat:

    You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
    You feel guilty for being successful.
    You vote people into office that put a tax on
    your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money
    to pay the tax.

    The people you voted for then take the tax money,
    buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
    You feel righteous.
    Barbara Streisand sings for you.

    Socialist:

    You have two cows. The government takes one and
    gives it to your neighbor.
    You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

    Republican:

    You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
    So?

    Communist:

    You have two cows. The government seizes both
    and provides you with milk.
    You wait in line for hours to get it.
    It is expensive and sour.

    Capitalism, American Style:

    You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull,
    and build a herd of cows.

    Democracy, American Style:

    You have two cows. The government taxes you
    to the point you have to sell both to support a
    man in a foreign country who has only one cow,
    which was a gift from your government.

    Bureaucracy, American Style:

    You have two cows. The government takes them
    both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
    for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

    American Corporation:

    You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back
    to yourself and do an IPO on the second one.
    You force the two cows to produce the milk
    of four cows. You are surprised when one cow
    drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
    analysts stating you have downsized and are
    reducing expenses.
    Your stock goes up.

    French Corporation:

    You have two cows. You go on strike because you
    want three cows.
    You go to lunch.
    Life is good.

    Japanese Corporation:

    You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
    one-tenth the size of an ordinary
    cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
    Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

    German Corporation:

    You have two cows. You engineer them so they
    are all blond, drink lots of beer,
    give excellent quality milk, and run
    a hundred miles an hour.
    Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation
    per year.

    Italian Corporation:

    You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
    While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
    You break for lunch.
    Life is good.

    Russian Corporation:

    You have two cows. You have some vodka.
    You count them and learn you have five cows.
    You have some more vodka.
    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    The Mafia shows up and takes over however many
    cows you really have.

    Taliban Corporation:

    You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
    You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's
    private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew
    them up while they were in the hospital.

    Polish Corporation:

    You have two bulls.
    Employees are regularly maimed and killed
    attempting to milk them.

    Florida Politics:

    You have a black cow and a brown cow.
    Everyone votes for the best looking one.
    Some of the people who like the brown one best,
    vote for the black one.
    Some people vote for both.
    Some people vote for neither.
    Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
    Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell
    you which is the best-looking one.
     
  2. GigiBowman
    Offline

    GigiBowman Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2008
    Messages:
    947
    Thanks Received:
    157
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Ratings:
    +157
    Bank of Canada
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

    After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

    The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

    The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

    The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

    The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

    The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

    'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

    'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 O'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

    That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and a gain until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

    The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

    The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

    The president was happy to oblige.

    The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

    The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'
     
  3. GigiBowman
    Offline

    GigiBowman Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2008
    Messages:
    947
    Thanks Received:
    157
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Ratings:
    +157
    During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”
    “Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”
     
  4. GigiBowman
    Offline

    GigiBowman Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2008
    Messages:
    947
    Thanks Received:
    157
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Ratings:
    +157
    A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
    After a battery of physical and psychological tests, the center's director told him that he was an acceptable candidate.
    "That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."
    "Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politicians brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
    "Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politicians brain? Why on earth is that?"
    "Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians we would have to kill?"
     
  5. GigiBowman
    Offline

    GigiBowman Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2008
    Messages:
    947
    Thanks Received:
    157
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Ratings:
    +157
    Legal Laughs
    The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide..

    1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? <

    2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

    3. Q: What happened then?
    A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
    Q: Did he kill you?

    4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

    5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

    6. Were you alone or by yourself?

    7. How long have you been a French Canadian?

    8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

    9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
    A: That's me.
    Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

    10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

    11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
    A: I'll be three months on November 8.
    Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
    A: Yes.
    Q: What were you doing at that time?

    13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
    A: I used to be.
    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

    14. So you were gone until you returned?

    15. Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there girls?

    16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

    17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
    A: Not yet.

    19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

    20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
    A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
    A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
     
  6. GigiBowman
    Offline

    GigiBowman Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2008
    Messages:
    947
    Thanks Received:
    157
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Ratings:
    +157
    Girls night out
    Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the ****tails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

    The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you
     
  7. GigiBowman
    Offline

    GigiBowman Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2008
    Messages:
    947
    Thanks Received:
    157
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Ratings:
    +157
    Lawyer Joke
    10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom.

    "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
     
  8. GigiBowman
    Offline

    GigiBowman Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2008
    Messages:
    947
    Thanks Received:
    157
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Ratings:
    +157
    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? "Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, "the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
     
  9. GigiBowman
    Offline

    GigiBowman Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2008
    Messages:
    947
    Thanks Received:
    157
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Ratings:
    +157
    Horray! I needed to reach 15 post so I can post a link lol

    Thank you for your time :)
     
    • Thank You! Thank You! x 1

Share This Page