Irish drunk

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Bootneck, Jul 24, 2009.

  1. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Nancy.

    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

    Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

    He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

    In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Nancy staring at him from across the room.

    She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

    Flynn said, 'Why do you say such a mean thing?'

    'Well,' Nancy said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
     
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  2. nateriver
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    nateriver Rookie

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    That is a good one.
    One of my favorite dunken tales is a song by one of my favorite groups.
    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRHkzBi4MXk"]Don't Go for the One- Gaelic Storm[/ame]
     
  3. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said,

    "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

    A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

    The judge continued,

    "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."

    Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

    The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom,and said,

    "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

    Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded,

    "For fifteen years I've lived next door to that bastard. And every time I asked to borrow a fucking spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
     
  4. Luissa
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    Luissa Annoying Customer Supporting Member

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    The best part about this is, my child's father who is an irish drunk last name is Flynn and he is flipping moron also.
     
  5. Luissa
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    Luissa Annoying Customer Supporting Member

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    I have always laughed my ass off at this one

    Dear Son,

    Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

    You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

    This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

    Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

    Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

    Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

    Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

    I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

    I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

    The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

    We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

    About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

    John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

    Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

    There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

    Your loving Mum


    P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.
     
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  6. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    Is he getting paid for appearing in Irish jokes?
     
  7. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

    Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

    Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
     
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  8. Luissa
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    Luissa Annoying Customer Supporting Member

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    I wish, maybe I would get more child support from him.:lol:
     
  9. Luissa
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    Luissa Annoying Customer Supporting Member

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    I had a boyfriend ask me once, " Do you have any Irish in you?" Of Course I said yes and he replied, "Would you like some more in ya?"
    Really you are suppose to say no so they can say, " Would you like some in ya?"
     
  10. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal her lovely thighs. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

    The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

    The priest removed his hand. But changing gears, he let his hand slide even further up her leg.

    The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

    The priest apologised, “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

    Moral of the story:

    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
     

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