How To Give Your Cat or Dog a Pill...

Discussion in 'Pets' started by Kat, Oct 28, 2010.

  1. Kat
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    Kat Diamond Member Gold Supporting Member Supporting Member

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    How To Give Your Cat A Pill:


    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

    How To Give Your Dog A Pill
    1. Wrap it in bacon.

    2. Toss it in the air.
     
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  2. Baruch Menachem
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    Baruch Menachem '

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    According to Terry Pratchett, every method of giving a cat a pill works


    Once. And only once.

    Like the Borg, they learn
     
  3. teapartysamurai
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    teapartysamurai Gold Member

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    I find the best way to give my dogs a pill is to sandwich it between a piece of bread with some peanut butter (to make the pill stick inside the sandwich).

    My male schnoodle is on an anti-biotic right now and he gobbles down the sandwich before he even knows what's in there!
     
  4. American Horse
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    American Horse AKA "Mustang"

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    Our poor old (old being operative word) had multiple medical problems and needed lots of pills. I would lube the pill with some butter, hold her mouth open by squeezing her lower jaw, with my left hand and with my left arm restraining her. Then with the pill between my fore-finger tips I would force the pill to a position behind the back of her tongue. It was easier for her to swallow it at that point than to eject it or regurgitate it. She might struggle to eject it but very seldom could.

    Hiding pills in lunch-meat or other stuff to disguise it would never fool her; she would detect it and spit it out.

    Never tried with a cat, but a cat has a shorter mouth so it seems it might work the same.
     
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2010
  5. uscitizen
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    uscitizen Senior Member

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    with a dog a pill works fine in a small bit of hot dog or something they can swallow in one gulp.
    Give them a same sized piece first to get their pavlovian response going and they will gulp the second loaded piece with the pill right down.

    Cats. Wrap securly in thick towl up to neck. hold securely, and have someone else pry open mouth and insert pill far back and repeat until it does not spit it back out.
     

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