USViking
VIP Member
1.Dont come to North Carolina with anti-smoking T-shirts
or bumper stickers like Keep your butt in the car or you
will get your ass kicked as soon as you cross the border.
2. Dont go into one of our Barbeque joints and ask for beef
or you will get your ass kicked. We serve pork only.
3. If you order our pork barbeque, and then complain about how
sour, tough, and stringy it is, you will really get your ass kicked.
4. If you ask what a hush puppy is in a restaurant, you will get
your ass kicked.
5. If you ask what grits are, you will get your ass kicked.
6. If you think the ice tea is way too sweet you best better
keep it to yourself. Otherwise another ass-kicking.
7. You may root for Wake Forest in Winston-Salem, Dook in
Durham, and NC State in Raleigh. If you root for anyone besides
the UNC Tarheels in any other part of the state, your sorry ass
will be kicked beyond recognition.
8. The Southern accent cannot be effectively imitated, even by
the best actors and actresses. Vivien Leigh was forgiven for her
maudlin Southern accent in Gone With the Wind only because she
was such a fine piece of ass. If you come in here and try to talk
with a Southern accent you will get your ass kicked unless you
are as good looking as Vivien Leigh.
9: Here is an example of local humor:
Question: How does a redneck seduce a woman?
Answer: He says; Git in the back of the truck and strip, bitch.
See?- we can laugh at ourselves. Outsiders should laugh politely
at our self-depreciating humor, but they will get their asses kicked
as never before if they repeat such a joke themselves.
10. The names Sherman and Grant are forbidden in this state.
If either one of these is your name you will have to legally change
it before you come here. Violators will get their asses kicked before
they are shot.
11. Speaking of shooting, any out of state pansy who thinks he knows
a barrel from the butt hasnt seen what our boys can do. Whoever
mentions the word gun in this state has to go out and prove himself
by hitting a squirrel between the eyes from a 100 yards, shooting cross-
handed. Then he also has to eat the squirrel raw. Failure to pass this test
results in a really bad ass-kicking.
12. We have a lot of colorful authentic Southern Sheriffs here,
some of whom have never been indicted for anything yet.
Support your Local Sheriff is taken very seriously by us.
You must have a Support your Local Sheriff bumper sticker
on your car at least during election years or face a certain ass-kicking.
13. There is a town in NC named Tobaccoville. You must make
a pilgrimage to this Holy Place within one week of entering the state
if you dont want an ass-kicking.
14. We also have towns with names like Climax, and Leaksville-Spray.
Do not make fun of any of these if you dont want your ass kicked.
15. The greatest President the USA ever had was James K. Polk,
born in NC, and a UNC graduate. Why?- look it up, dork- he was
President during the Mexican War, and single-handedly got us Texas,
New Mexico, Arizona, California, and a bunch of other places. Many
might think California was a mistake, but it looked good at the time.
Remember this when in NC. Memory loss leads to ass-kickings.
16. Do not go around asking for moonshine here, or people will think
you are an agent, and will kick your ass. If you dont act like a complete
idiot, someone may sooner or later trust you enough to offer you some.
17. Not everyone in this state likes stock car racing and Jesse Helms.
We have a lot of diversity here, so don't try to suck up to everyone
by praising shit not all of us care for, because someone might not
appreciate it, and kick your ass.
18. EVERYONE in this state likes College Basketball. Some of the
fastest and most severe ass-kickings have resulted from lack of
enthusiasm for College Basketball.
19. Do not visit in mid to late April, when the rebud and dogwood
trees are blooming at the same time. This peerless natural beauty
might cause you to stay after you have spent all your money.
Then we would have to kick your ass out.
20. North Carolina is known as the Tar Heel state because during
the Revolutionary War some Redcoats ran up against an NC unit and
got their asses kicked when our men held their ground as though
their feet were stuck in tar. Damnyankees got a taste of the same
kind of ass-kicking during the Civil War; too bad they bred faster
than we could take them out. Knowledge of this important part of
our history should help you to maintain a respectful attitude when you
visit our state. We dont really want to kick your ass unless we have to.
or bumper stickers like Keep your butt in the car or you
will get your ass kicked as soon as you cross the border.
2. Dont go into one of our Barbeque joints and ask for beef
or you will get your ass kicked. We serve pork only.
3. If you order our pork barbeque, and then complain about how
sour, tough, and stringy it is, you will really get your ass kicked.
4. If you ask what a hush puppy is in a restaurant, you will get
your ass kicked.
5. If you ask what grits are, you will get your ass kicked.
6. If you think the ice tea is way too sweet you best better
keep it to yourself. Otherwise another ass-kicking.
7. You may root for Wake Forest in Winston-Salem, Dook in
Durham, and NC State in Raleigh. If you root for anyone besides
the UNC Tarheels in any other part of the state, your sorry ass
will be kicked beyond recognition.
8. The Southern accent cannot be effectively imitated, even by
the best actors and actresses. Vivien Leigh was forgiven for her
maudlin Southern accent in Gone With the Wind only because she
was such a fine piece of ass. If you come in here and try to talk
with a Southern accent you will get your ass kicked unless you
are as good looking as Vivien Leigh.
9: Here is an example of local humor:
Question: How does a redneck seduce a woman?
Answer: He says; Git in the back of the truck and strip, bitch.
See?- we can laugh at ourselves. Outsiders should laugh politely
at our self-depreciating humor, but they will get their asses kicked
as never before if they repeat such a joke themselves.
10. The names Sherman and Grant are forbidden in this state.
If either one of these is your name you will have to legally change
it before you come here. Violators will get their asses kicked before
they are shot.
11. Speaking of shooting, any out of state pansy who thinks he knows
a barrel from the butt hasnt seen what our boys can do. Whoever
mentions the word gun in this state has to go out and prove himself
by hitting a squirrel between the eyes from a 100 yards, shooting cross-
handed. Then he also has to eat the squirrel raw. Failure to pass this test
results in a really bad ass-kicking.
12. We have a lot of colorful authentic Southern Sheriffs here,
some of whom have never been indicted for anything yet.
Support your Local Sheriff is taken very seriously by us.
You must have a Support your Local Sheriff bumper sticker
on your car at least during election years or face a certain ass-kicking.
13. There is a town in NC named Tobaccoville. You must make
a pilgrimage to this Holy Place within one week of entering the state
if you dont want an ass-kicking.
14. We also have towns with names like Climax, and Leaksville-Spray.
Do not make fun of any of these if you dont want your ass kicked.
15. The greatest President the USA ever had was James K. Polk,
born in NC, and a UNC graduate. Why?- look it up, dork- he was
President during the Mexican War, and single-handedly got us Texas,
New Mexico, Arizona, California, and a bunch of other places. Many
might think California was a mistake, but it looked good at the time.
Remember this when in NC. Memory loss leads to ass-kickings.
16. Do not go around asking for moonshine here, or people will think
you are an agent, and will kick your ass. If you dont act like a complete
idiot, someone may sooner or later trust you enough to offer you some.
17. Not everyone in this state likes stock car racing and Jesse Helms.
We have a lot of diversity here, so don't try to suck up to everyone
by praising shit not all of us care for, because someone might not
appreciate it, and kick your ass.
18. EVERYONE in this state likes College Basketball. Some of the
fastest and most severe ass-kickings have resulted from lack of
enthusiasm for College Basketball.
19. Do not visit in mid to late April, when the rebud and dogwood
trees are blooming at the same time. This peerless natural beauty
might cause you to stay after you have spent all your money.
Then we would have to kick your ass out.
20. North Carolina is known as the Tar Heel state because during
the Revolutionary War some Redcoats ran up against an NC unit and
got their asses kicked when our men held their ground as though
their feet were stuck in tar. Damnyankees got a taste of the same
kind of ass-kicking during the Civil War; too bad they bred faster
than we could take them out. Knowledge of this important part of
our history should help you to maintain a respectful attitude when you
visit our state. We dont really want to kick your ass unless we have to.
